Forever Right Now

Darlene’s expression folded and I hated myself for stealing the light out of her eyes.

“Oh.”

She carefully set Olivia down and Olivia immediately squawked to be picked up again.

“Shit,” I said, running a hand through my hair. “This is exactly why I didn’t want any help. Because one thing leads to the next and before you know it…”

“Before you know it you’re eating a decent meal?” Darlene said with a weak smile.

“It’s not that.” I ground my teeth in frustration.

Darlene waved her hands. “No, you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s your place. Your privacy. I do this a lot. I get involved. I moved here to work on me.” She shouldered her backpack and took Olivia by the hand to walk her to me. “I have a lot of work left to do.”

“Darlene…”

She bent down to Olivia. “Bye-bye, sweet pea.” She raised her head and flashed me the tattered remains of her brilliant smile. “Have a nice night.”

The sound of the door shutting made me flinch. The room suddenly seemed a little dimmer. Quieter.

Olivia was tugging on my jeans. “Up,” she said “Up, Daddy.”

I picked her up and held her. She smiled at me and I bottled up my spilled emotions but for one. My love for her. She was the only thing that mattered.

“Come on,” I told her. “Let’s have some dinner.”

Darlene had the tuna in her bag, which she’d taken with her in her hurry to escape. I gave Olivia avocado, cubes of turkey, a hard-boiled egg, and another one of those biscuits Darlene had introduced me to. After, I bathed Olivia, and read Freight Train to her about ten times until she was yawning instead of saying, “Again!”

After I put her to bed in her small bedroom, I set up my study materials at the desk in the living room. The clock on the wall said it was eight-fifteen. I went to the fridge to find a frozen dinner. My stomach growled for damn tuna casserole.

Now that Livvie was in bed, guilt churned my empty stomach.

You didn’t have to kick her out.

I had a thousand good reasons for keeping my private business private, and yet being an ass to Darlene was like saying ‘fuck off’ to someone after they said they hoped you have a nice day.

I leaned my head against the freezer. Now I’d have to apologize.

I hated apologizing.

A soft knock came at the door. I whispered a prayer to any god that would listen it wasn’t Elena coming to tell me she had a conflict sometime next week and couldn’t babysit.

I opened the door to Darlene. She had a plate of food in one hand covered in aluminum foil. Steam wafted up in little tendrils, carrying with it the scents of warm noodles, mushrooms and tuna.

Dammit, she’s beautiful.

The images stored in my perfect memory were dull copies compared to the real thing. I crossed my arms over my chest as if I could put a barricade between us.

“Hi, again,” Darlene said. “I am not here to make you feel bad, or barge in again, I promise.” She thrust the plate of food toward me. “This is a peace offering and a parting gift. A promise that I won’t get up in your business.”

I took the plate. “This is a lot of casserole.”

“You insisted on paying for it back at the store, and I know you’d never cook it yourself.” Her radiant smile was back. “You can eat what you want now and have leftovers tomorrow.”

I stared down at the food in her hand. A simple apology and a thank you was all it would take, and then I could close the door and get back to my life. My stressed out, anxiety-ridden life.

Darlene tilted her head. “Okay, so…I’m going to go. Good ni—”

“Olivia’s mom abandoned her ten months ago,” I heard myself say. “My buddies and I were having a party and she showed up and just…left her. She left Olivia without a mom.”