Unintended

He looked pretty at ease there, serving drinks and making small talk with customers. But he still wasn’t as chilled as the average person. His shoulders always seemed heavy with tension, and if you looked closely enough into his eyes, they had vacancy behind them. Like no emotion ever fully reached him.

Rewind a couple of years and you could be looking in a mirror.

I straightened up and headed for the bar. It wasn’t too busy, but busier than I’d have expected on a Monday night. At the end of the room, the stage was set up for a band and, from what I understood, local and up and coming bands performed there during quieter times, but many slots were booked for better known acts. Since the place wasn’t heaving, I assumed it was a local band night.

I slipped into a space between the thirsty patrons and waited to be served. Ash was finishing up with someone when another barman approached me to take my order. Ash eyed him like he was annoyed but he didn’t say anything. I asked for a bottle of water, and as the guy walked to the fridge to get it, I smiled at Ash. It was a small, uncertain kind of smile and he returned it. When the other guy handed me my drink and my change, I gave Ash a brief nod to let him know to come and find me when it was time for his break.

I walked across the room and stood with my back against the wall since there was nowhere to sit. I probably looked as out of place as ever, but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t be staying long anyway.

As I waited, I watched Ash as he continued to work. Not just the way he was with customers, but with his co-workers too. All of his exchanges with them were polite, but he didn’t have

the same kind of banter as the others had together. There was a lot of laughter, and while Ash looked on, smiling now and again, he never really let go.

The time moved quickly, and soon, Ash was heading towards me. My stomach churned a little, and I had a moment of wishing I’d kept my mouth shut and stayed at home. Because, what if whatever he told me was more awful than I’d imagined?

What if you imagined too much?

Wouldn’t have been the first time. After all, a couple arguing in a car park was hardly unusual. What if I’d seen a problem that wasn’t actually there?

“Hey,” he said. “Let’s go outside.”

I nodded, following him out through the main doors. It was much quieter outside The Empty Bottle than it had been at the bar on Saturday night. The temperature had dropped another few degrees since then, so people weren’t lingering, but also… it was Monday.

Ash led me a little way down the street and around the corner to the club’s parking area. It was brightly lit, and the few cars parked there glittered with frost. I tightened my jacket around myself as we stopped under a small archway between the club and a closed café.

“Thanks for coming here,” Ash said, looking down at me. “I know it was a lot to ask, and I’m sorry. I just… I…”

I held up my hand to stop him. He wrapped his arms around himself; he must have been frozen in his work t-shirt. “It’s okay. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be. What’s going on, Ash?”

He lowered his head and sighed. “I feel like I owe you an explanation. I felt like a dick for the way I left the other night, and then when you came out and saw me with Natalie… I didn’t want you to see that.”

“What did I see exactly?”

Ash still didn’t look at me. “I told you she was possessive. Probably an understatement.”

“Does she always speak to you that way?”

He nodded. “Pretty much. Unless she needs something from me.”

“Why would you put up with that?” The words had slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to sound so judgemental. But… why would you?”

When he looked up at me, the answer was in his eyes. Because I love her. His response hit me right in my messed up little heart, so much so that my hands began to shake. I’d been there. Loving someone you know is wrong for you. Wanting them to love you back just as much, and praying every day that something will change and you can get back what you once had.

“Ash. Please can I hug you?”

I had to ask before I made another move that scared him. When he nodded again in response, I stepped forward and slipped my arms around him. He held me back so tight that I thought he might break me, but I hugged him just as hard, hoping that maybe some of my warmth would seep into him. This kid was cold, not in personality, but in his demeanour. Something, most likely his girlfriend, had broken down the warmth inside him and left him hollow and detached from reality. Whatever was going on within that relationship was stripping away his self-respect.

As we finally parted, I looked up at him. “What can I do?”

“Nothing. That’s the problem. I shouldn’t have made you come all the way here because there’s nothing you can do.”

“You didn’t make me do anything. But I hoped there would be some way I could help. I just don’t know what you need.”

He sighed and ran his hands through his dark hair. “I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me that before. So… I don’t know what the answer is.”

I wanted to hug him again. To bundle him into my car, drive him to my place, make him a hot drink and talk it all through. If nobody had ever asked what he needed, who was looking out for him?

“How long have you been with your girlfriend?” I asked.