Unintended

I pulled back slightly, my eyes damp as I looked up at him. “It’s not enough. Not for either of us.”

He wanted to talk and I didn’t. That was what had got us into such a mess and, ultimately, led to our divorce. I had talked to other people about our loss, about the breakdown of our relationship, but I had found it so hard to talk to him.

And then he was gone.

I’d blamed myself for him leaving, but I’d also blamed him for not trying harder. The truth was, we’d both made huge mistakes, and we’d let them go on until they were unfixable.

That was why we both held onto so much agony. Why I’d been unable to move on fully, and why I was so damn afraid to see him.

It meant I’d have to face the truth…

“Evie, I have to go now.”

I heard his voice, but I didn’t move from my position. I had been planning to make a cup of tea, but in the time it took me to walk with the kettle to the sink, I’d lost the will. Lost energy. I’d just placed the kettle on the draining board and stood with my hands resting against the edge of the sink, staring out of the kitchen window with tears streaming down my face.

I was no idiot. This day had been approaching for a long time. Way longer than the day Jay announced he was moving out. He’d met someone else. Formed a connection. A connection we no longer shared, apparently.

Apparently. It had been extremely apparent.

Somewhere, deep down inside me, I’d silently hoped that we could work it out. That we would start talking and fix whatever was broken in our relationship. But every day, I couldn’t seem to find the words.

People kept asking me how I was feeling, if I needed to talk, but nobody understood that I couldn’t talk. If I did, I’d have to deal with my grief. With my loss. And while I kept it inside me, it wasn’t gone. My baby boy wasn’t gone. My husband wasn’t gone.

“Evie.”

“I heard you,” I said, my voice sounding colder than I meant it too as I battled to stop my tears.

I heard his footsteps across the tiled floor and I tensed.

This was really it.

“Look at me.” Jay’s tone was almost as cold as mine, and I knew it was for the same reason. Just because he was leaving me for another woman, didn’t mean it was easy for him either.

But he was going to someone else, and when he walked out, I’d be alone.

I turned slowly to him, and seeing his face was all it took for me to break. Suddenly, he was the young boy who’d turned and smiled at me in the college cafeteria. He was the gentle one I’d had my first time with. He was the sexy guy who’d given me confidence. He was the handsome man in the suit waiting for me at the end of the aisle.

He was the man who had cried beside me the moment we no longer heard our baby’s heartbeat.

And now, he was the person standing in front of me as what was left of my heart disintegrated.

“Please,” he whispered as he stepped forwards, placing his hands gently on my face. Looking at him was so painful now, but I had to. I had to look into his green eyes, lock this moment away with the rest of the memories that haunted me. Tucked away in that box, they couldn’t hurt me.

Right?

“Evie.” His thumbs stroked over my cheeks, his voice breaking. “Please don’t cry.”

I wanted to beg him to stay, even though we both knew there was nothing left to stay for now. It was way too late for that.

“Listen to me,” he said softly, and I couldn’t help it, I wrapped my arms around him. It was probably the most I’d touched him in months, and he moved his hands down to my shoulders, down my arms before slipping them around my waist. “God, Evie, this was never how I thought we’d end up.”

I clung to him tighter, burying my head against his chest, trying to fight my feelings.

“You know what we agreed?” he said softly. “Are you sure?”

In that second, I wasn’t sure. The day before, though, I’d told him once he left, he had to really leave. No more contact. I couldn’t take it, knowing he was with someone else, trying to still be my friend when we’d once been everything to each other.

“I’m sure,” I lied.