Unintended

At my words, I heard him let out a choked sob and he kissed the top of my head. I could feel his tears dripping onto my hair, and everything I’d tried to suppress started to slip. My whole body hurt, like the devastation of our loss was seeping through me, making me want to slump to the floor and never get up again.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Me too, baby,” he said. “Me too. But… I have to go.”

I knew. I knew she was waiting for him, and he wasn’t mine anymore.

He pulled back from me a little, our eyes meeting. He leaned his head forward the tiniest bit, like he might kiss me, and my heart stuttered.

I wanted him to kiss me, but I desperately hoped he didn’t.

Drawing in a long breath, he lifted his head again, and I let my arms drop from around him, feeling cold as he stepped away. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but I closed my eyes and turned away.

I was already dangerously close to the edge. Any more words and I didn’t think I’d be able to find my way back.

I stood, frozen, wanting to say so much but still unable to force anything out.

So I waited.

Waited until I heard his footsteps walk away from me. When I finally heard the door close behind him, I let out a loud cry, slipping down to the floor and curling up in a ball.

Jay loosened his hold of me then took my hand and led me to the bed to sit down. We both sat cross-legged, facing each other. It almost made me laugh because it was such a juvenile position. Like we were in a school assembly or something, but for some reason, it was just something we’d always done. The way we sat when we wanted to have a serious conversation. “Are you ready to talk now?”

I wished I was in my favourite oversized jumper so I could hide inside it, tucking my hands inside my sleeves for comfort. “I’m ready.”

“Do you think someone should go up there and make sure she’s okay?”

Evie and her ex-husband had been gone for thirty minutes, and while Keely had had to go and do host duty, topping up drinks and talking to people, Nick had stayed with me for the most part, so I didn’t end up standing around on my own.

He was a good guy, and Keely was great too, but even with them around, I was starting to feel anxious. I’d had a couple of beers, and they had loosened me up, but not enough to forget that I was surrounded by mostly strangers.

And I was worried about Evie. She’d been avoiding her ex, and then he’d just showed up out of nowhere. She’d never had a bad word to say about him, not really, but she was shaking when she walked towards him and I knew whatever they were talking about would probably hit her hard.

I had a feeling that, this time, I would be the one who would be taking care of her instead of the other way around.

“Let’s give it a bit longer,” Nick said, offering me an understanding smile. “I think Keely’s worried too, that’s why she’s keeping busy.”

“She doesn’t like him, does she?”

Nick shook his head. “Not so much. He’s not a bad person. Just, he and Evie went through so much, it broke them. I think losing a child would break a lot of people.” His eyes glazed over for a second, as if he was remembering that time. It was probably hard on all of them, with them being so close. “Keely thinks Jay should have tried harder with Evie, to fix their relationship. It wasn’t all his fault. It wasn’t really about fault, it was just that some things are too hard to overcome.”

I couldn’t argue on that score.

Before I could speak again, I heard the sound of children and adults giggling from the living room, and Nick smiled

. “I guess the kids are up,” he said.

I knew he and Keely had two children, but it sounded like there were at least four or five in the other room.

“Our friends bring their kids over early, and most of them take a nap so they can see the New Year in,” Nick explained. “I can hear my boy in there, but my baby girl will still be sound asleep until the fireworks start.”

I nodded as a little boy around the age of three ran into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around Nick’s ankles. “I slept, Daddy! Now it’s party time!”

The way he was looking up at Nick with huge, excited eyes made me laugh and Nick put his beer on the side and picked up his son.

“Is that so?” he said, as the boy put his arms around Nick’s neck. “In that case, we’d better go into the other room. But first…” He turned slightly so the boy could see me fully. “Oscar, this is Auntie Evie’s friend. His name’s Ash. Do you think we should take him to meet some more people?”

Oscar nodded, grinning. The idea of meeting more people made my heart beat harder, but what else was I going to do? Stand around in the kitchen on my own all night? I couldn’t expect Nick to babysit me the whole time. This was his party, he had to talk to other people.