Unintended

Giving myself a pep talk that it would all be okay, that the room was mostly full of married couples who were all completely harmless, I followed Nick and Oscar into the living room.

There was no room to sit anywhere in there, as the sofas and chairs were already taken, and the room was quite full, with some people sitting on the floor and others standing around. It was much louder in there now there were kids in there too. They seemed to range from around three to nine years old, and there were seven of them, most of them sitting in a corner, playing with the New Year’s Eve confetti, making a mess on the carpet.

I shuddered at the thought of Natalie glaring at them for doing that. Of course, she would have been polite about it in public. The glare would have been turned on me later, when I would have been forced to clean it all up while she went to bed.

Get out of my head!

I blinked, forcing those thoughts out, and put my attention back to the people around me.

“Are you okay?” Keely asked as she walked by with some empty bottles in her hands. “If you want to go outside and get some air, the back door is open, so just go whenever you need to.”

I nodded. I guessed being friends with Evie made her used to people having panic attacks, and she knew how to handle them. “Thanks. I’m okay.”

She smiled before going on her way to the kitchen, and I tried to think about the moment I was in. Not the past. Not the future. Just the party I was at.

After a while, I found myself calming again. I stood talking to a couple called Jamie and Jennifer, who Nick had introduced me to. Just general talk about jobs and hobbies, but I had a weird feeling that Jennifer might have been one of Evie’s good friends and probably knew my story. She had a look of empathy in her eyes, and although she didn’t mention anything, I could feel that she knew.

Evie had been gone for just over an hour when my phone buzzed in my back pocket. I pulled it out, and my hand gripped my phone tight, my mood dipping as I saw the message on the screen from Natalie.

Happy New Year babe. I miss you. Xx

Seriously? She thought that was appropriate? She was probably insanely drunk already, but even so, what the hell was she thinking? If she and I had still been together, one of two things would have happened. Either she would have made me go out with her and her friends, with me sitting quietly while she and her mates got smashed, or she would have told me I couldn’t go out, and let me sit at home alone, just like on Christmas Eve.

In neither scenario would she have been missing me or wishing me a Happy New Year.

I considered telling her to go fuck herself, but instead, I blocked her number then deleted her from my phone. I should have done that as soon as I was capable of using my phone again, but for some reason, I couldn’t seem to do it then.

Maybe I was getting stronger.

The fact that my hand was still trembling told me otherwise, and while nobody was paying attention, I slipped out of the door that led to the front hallway so I could breathe for a minute. As I leaned back against the wall, taking slow breaths, I heard a sound from the top of the stairs. Low voices. I couldn’t make out the words, but Jay rounded the corner, his hands adjusting his belt as he walked. A couple of seconds later, Evie also emerged, her hair a mess, and she was straightening up her top.

Jay didn’t acknowledge me as he walked right out the front door, but I wasn’t looking at him anyway. My eyes were firmly on Evie, and as she saw me, her cheeks flushed bright red.

Wow.

I guessed ‘talk’ was the new word for ‘casual hook-up with your ex’.

“Shit,” she said staring at me for a moment before sinking down onto the top stair, her head dropping forward into her hands.

In between my anger at Natalie for having the nerve to text me, and my surprise at seeing Evie coming out of a bedroom after doing her ex, I wasn’t sure what to do.

Knowing she’d just had sex made me feel… something. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but whatever the feeling, I knew she needed me right then, so I stuffed my phone back in my pocket and walked up the stairs towards her, and sat down a couple of steps below her.

“So, I guess I can’t ever call you predictable again,” I said.

Evie snorted out a laugh, but it was quickly followed by a groan. “Oh, God, Ash. I’m such a freaking disaster.” She lifted her head, her cheeks still red, and now I was close to her, I could see her eyes were red too, like she’d been crying. “Please don’t judge me. I have never done that before.” She then shook her head, as if she thought she was an idiot. “Of course I haven’t. I only have one ex, and this is the first time we’ve seen each other since he left me. I just mean I don’t hook up with men at parties.”

Her face flushed brighter, and I said, “Evie. I stayed with a woman who attacked me on a regular basis for a year. I'm not in a place to judge anyone. And I know you don’t hook up with randoms. I’m not judging you. I was just surprised.”

“Me too,” she said with a sigh, then she leaned sideways, her head resting against the wall. “It was the last thing I was expecting.”

I wanted to ask her how they’d got there. But there was no good way to ask that without sounding like a nosy twat.

“It was the emotion,” she said quietly. “He told me that he’s been seeing a counsellor because he wasn’t happy with his relationship, which he then ended, and the counsellor suggested that maybe he and I needed to talk. Clear the air. And we did. We talked, but it’s still so hard for me, Ash, to talk about our past. I feel like talking to him was the right thing to do, and it has helped, but it… it went too far.”

“Do you regret it?”

She thought for a moment, then said, “I probably should. But the reality is, our relationship died the same day our baby died. I wouldn’t let him touch me. I know that’s wrong. I should have got help for myself sooner because I pushed him away in so many ways. But my point is, we never really ended our marriage. It just stopped. It probably sounds stupid, but I think maybe we both just needed that. To say goodbye.”