He gave a long heavy sigh. “Talk to you later. I hope everything goes well.”
Before I could answer, he’d turned, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets, and walking away.
I severely underestimated how tiring it would be to drive to Edinburgh. With a stop on the way, I didn’t get there until four o’clock and what I really wanted to do when I’d checked into the hotel was go to sleep for a couple of hours. But I knew Jay was waiting for me to tell him when I’d arrived, so he could come and meet me. After putting my bags into the room and avoiding sitting on the inviting bed, I sent him a text to let him know I’d arrived. Once he said he was on his way, I used the time to go into the bathroom and freshen up. Being stuck in a car for so long had made me feel sluggish and gross, so I had a quick wash and changed my clothes.
I’d agonised over what clothes to bring as if I was going on a first date. I didn’t want Jay to take one look at me and know what I was going to say before I could say it. I was bigger, but not by a whole lot, considering how much I was eating. I think the nervous energy I was living on burned more calories than I’d consumed. I’d eventually settled for a pair of black jeans, with a black and white top made of floaty material that didn’t cling to me.
Once I was ready, I grabbed my bag and key card and went down to the bar to wait for Jay.
I’d never more wished I could have a drink. I found a seat at the back of the room, in the corner, where there was a large comfortable sofa with a table in front of it. The bar wasn’t busy at that time, and even if it got busier, at least we would be tucked out of the way of most people.
While, I waited, I sent Ash a text to let him know I’d arrived. I hoped he had found something to do, instead of waiting around for me to message him. He answered within a couple of minutes.
Ash: Glad you got there safely. I’m at Nick’s watching football but I’m going home as soon as its over. Call me when you can x
I smiled, and text back to tell him I would. With that done, I looked around the room. It was the same hotel chain I’d stayed in the first time I met Ash, and it was decorated exactly the same. I hadn’t thought about that when I booked it, but at least it felt familiar.
It was only a few minutes later when Jay arrived, and when I saw him, reality crashed back around me.
It was really time.
He approached, fidgeting with the sleeves of his blue shirt. I wasn’t sure what he thought I was going to say, but I was positive he’d never have guessed the truth.
I stood up as he reached me.
“Hi, Evie,” he said as I stepped out from behind the table.
“Hi.”
We looked at each other kind of awkwardly, unsure what to do, and after a moment, I stepped forward to give him a hug. He looked like he needed it, and I definitely did too.
As I had my arms around him, something weird happened.
I felt different.
When I’d seen him at New Year, even though I wasn’t in love with him anymore, I still felt a pull to him. A pull to try and find a way to patch up all the holes we’d left unstitched when he moved out. But it had been done now. And all I felt was a fondness for someone I used to be close to.
So very different to how I felt when Ash’s arms were around me…
I tried to push that thought away for long enough to do what I needed to do. That was something I’d need to think about later. I could only ride one emotional rollercoaster at a time.
“Let me get the drinks,” Jay said, “and then we can talk. What would you like?”
“Just an orange juice, please.”
Jay nodded and walked to the bar. In the time he was gone, I tried to get comfortable on my seat, which suddenly felt like it was made of rock. I didn’t think anything would feel comfortable until this was over.
I had no speech planned. No idea exactly what I would say, and no clue how the conversation would go. I was winging it all the way.
As Jay returned, I saw him letting out a breath, telling me he was as nervous as me. He placed the drinks on the table and sat down.
“So,” he said, “what brings you all the way up here?”
I recognised the tone as him trying to sound casual when he really wasn’t feeling that way at all. His eyes were on me, and I couldn’t quite meet his gaze.
I really should have written down some notes before I set off on my journey.
The truth was, there was only one thing I had to say. I could have dressed it up, but when it came down to it, there were only two words that mattered.