Looking Inside

Eleanor nodded, swallowing back her anxiety. “And Trey . . . Trey was one of her vulnerabilities, in your opinion?”

“I’d say so, yeah,” Sandra said. Her brow furrowed as she peered closely at her. “Caddy did tell you about Trey, didn’t she? I didn’t misunderstand that part, did I?”

“Caddy told me a lot of things, when she was dying. Things she’d never mentioned to me before,” Eleanor sidestepped, worried Sandra would suddenly clam up. She couldn’t have Caddy’s friend suddenly stop imparting valuable information before Eleanor could glean anything crucial. That would be unbearable.

“I understand,” Eleanor began cautiously, highly aware that she might make a misstep in the conversation at any moment, “that Caddy and Trey formed a pact not to see each other romantically.”

“Caddy agreed to it, but she’s not the one who came up with the idea. Riordan did that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, she didn’t mention it when she told you about him?” Sandra asked, wide-eyed. “That’s what made her feel so vulnerable. Because she did like Riordan. She liked him a lot.”

“But he suggested—”

“That they keep things on a strictly professional basis, yeah. It killed Caddy a little. I remember the night when she brought up the topic of him perfectly. I’d never seen her so torn up about a guy. It surprised me a little, at the time. Of course, I couldn’t help but feel for her. Caddy had never once shown regret for playing the field ever since her divorce from Clark. Not that I’d ever seen, anyway. She embraced the idea that she wasn’t the type to settle down. Her independence was her hallmark.

“But that night, after Riordan told her he wanted to keep things professional between them, she was regretful, all right. Her reputation as a player had clearly preceded her in regard to Riordan. She thought it’d made him wary. It was the only time I’d ever heard her say she wished she’d done things differently when it came to relationships.

“After that night, she kept her feelings locked up tight. If Riordan’s name ever came up again between us, she was breezy and matter-of-fact. Anyone else who didn’t know better would have assumed that she and Riordan were just work acquaintances who respected each other. If I hadn’t seen how upset she was that one night, I wouldn’t have ever questioned that Riordan was anything but a casual work friend to her.”

Eleanor took a long draw on her wine, staring blankly at the colored bottles behind the bar. It felt so strange, thinking about Caddy being vulnerable. Of course she had been. It was a little embarrassing, to realize that she—Eleanor—hadn’t allowed for her sister to be flawed.

Human.

Then again, maybe it was inevitable. The cancer had robbed both of them of the opportunity to discover those sister secrets about each other that full lives would have eventually afforded.

“So Riordan actually hurt her,” Eleanor said numbly. That idea confused her almost as much as the idea of him sharing some kind of unique bond with Caddy.

“Of course he did,” Sandra said. Eleanor glanced over at her blunt tone. “But not deliberately or cruelly. Not in a way that was any different than what we all have to do when we recognize that we just aren’t meant to be with that person in a romantic or sexual way. From what I understood from Caddy’s occasional references, he was always warm and respectful toward her. It sounded like they ended up having a great working relationship.”

“Yeah. That’s my understanding too. But . . . when she was passing, Caddy said something to me. She said that she didn’t have any regrets as to how she’d lived her life.” She met Sandra’s stare squarely, determined to understand the truth. “Do you think she regretted her feelings for Trey? Do you think she was just being strong, because she knew the end was coming, and she didn’t want me to think of her going with regrets?”

“No,” Sandra said with quiet certainty. “I think she meant everything she told you. Maybe I’m giving you the wrong impression. Your sister wasn’t the type to crumple if a guy didn’t like her. She was strong. Clearly, by the time she got sick, things were on even footing with her and Riordan. She was in several relationships with other men following her crush on him. Caddy was not the type to pine, as you know,” Sandra said, pulling a face.

Eleanor couldn’t help but smile in return. Relief swept through her. No, she couldn’t imagine Caddy locked in her condo, wasting away and wetting a photo of Trey with her tears. Maybe she hadn’t been getting the full picture of her big sister’s personality, but that rendering of Caddy was just ridiculous.

“So that’s what you’d call her feelings for Trey? A crush?” Eleanor asked.

Sandra reflected for a moment. “I guess. But she was so passionate, even a crush meant something, when it came to Caddy. Do you know what I mean?”

Eleanor nodded in complete understanding.

“She was such a vibrant, complicated person.” Sandra sighed. “She used to say you were all that way. Caddy would say it was the Russian in you.”

“Who was all that way?” Eleanor asked, startled.

“Your family,” Sandra said with a wistful smile. “Well, at least your mom, her and you. She said your dad was the straight and strong mast that kept you all going in the right direction.”

For a few seconds, Eleanor just stared at Caddy’s friend. Then a laugh burst out of her throat.

“Did Caddy really say that?”

“Oh yeah, several times,” Sandra said, grinning at her burst of laughter.

Eleanor shook her head, both disbelieving and inordinately pleased. Her faced flushed with warmth.

“Why are you so surprised?” Sandra asked.