Looking Inside

“Because . . . I would have thought she’d file me on the straight-as-an-arrow, boring side of the family, not the passionate side . . . Thank you for this,” she said in a burst of honesty. “Thanks for meeting with me and for sharing your perspective on Caddy.”

Sandra waved away her gratitude. “It’s not a big deal. It’s my pleasure.”

“But it is a big deal,” Eleanor insisted. “I’m sorry about . . . about not getting together with you before this.” She caught Sandra’s stare. “Let’s do it more, okay? Caddy would have wanted us to stay connected. I want it, as well.”

“Me too.”

“Stay and talk for a while more, then?” Eleanor asked her hopefully.

“Absolutely,” Sandra agreed, reaching for her hand and squeezing it warmly.

—

A quiet, thick snow started to fall as she walked home that night.

She paused on the sidewalk in front of Trey’s building, her gaze drawn to the top floors of the high-rise and Trey’s windows. Distant lights were on in his living room and loft, but she couldn’t see his Christmas tree on display in the window. That was strange. She would have thought his maid had put it up by now. Maybe plans had changed for him somehow, and he wasn’t going to be here during the holidays.

The idea made her feel hollow.

Part of her—a big part—wanted to just walk inside, ask his doorman to call him and request if she could go up to his penthouse.

But her stark longing for him was tainted by a lingering uncertainty. It’d been a relief to learn tonight that Trey had been the one to set the limit on her sister’s and his relationship.

He definitely hadn’t been holding some kind of secret torch for Caddy.

Thank God. That would have just been too weird, on so many levels.

Plus, from everything she’d heard and observed, she believed that Caddy was over her crush on Trey by the time she passed. Caddy and Trey’s relationship truly had been special, but it’d never progressed to any territory that Eleanor would consider dangerous.

She continued down the sidewalk toward her building, her feet making fresh prints in the newly fallen snow. The fact of the matter remained, she’d been far from confident about this thing she’d started with Trey even before she’d discovered that he and her sister’d had a friendship. The realization that Trey and Caddy shared a connection had just been the dose of reality that’d made everything go suddenly clear in her head.

Her conflict suddenly crystallized in her awareness.

They’d begun this whole thing with the most basic of motivations: sexual gratification. If she looked out that window tonight, as Trey had requested in his note—which she longed like crazy to do—what if he’d planned something that took them back to that basic place? Something wonderful and primal, but still essentially sexual in nature?

The idea frightened her a little. It also pulled at her. Part of her was willing to go back to that selfish agreement they’d made, because at least she’d get to be with him. Love him . . . even if silently.

And that realization about herself frightened her. She was willing to expose herself to so much hurt, so much heartache, just to see his face again, just to touch him once more.

No one had told her that falling in love could be so painful. So risky. Or if they had, she’d never fully understood until that moment.

She entered her apartment, her heartbeat starting to thrum very loud in her ears. Of course, she’d been aware of the time all night.

It was currently a few minutes until ten.

She paused in the hallway for a full minute, listening to her mind screaming caution at her, feeling her heart throbbing another answer altogether.

Her heart won out, apparently. All she knew was that she found herself headed down the hallway like a sleepwalker to the dark guest bedroom. Her fingers paused next to the switch on the lamp. She listened for a breathless moment to the blood surging in her veins.

The light switch clicked. The empty room was illuminated. Her heart seemingly lodged at the base of her throat, she walked over to the window. Dozens of scenarios flashed through her panicking brain regarding what she might view in Trey’s bedroom.

Not one of them included a dark room with absolutely nothing to see.

She inhaled choppily, disappointment slicing through her.

Then it happened: lights went on in the midst of the dark room. She stared at a huge, illuminated Christmas tree in the dark window.

She couldn’t believe her eyes.