It’s easy, Eddie Egan, my old crazy therapist, whispers. It’s just a matter of breathing. You hold it in. You let it out. You hold it in. You let it out. It’s that easy because you are bigger than it is. You are stronger than it is.
Yes, it mocks, doing its best therapist voice. Because if it’s so easy, you would have thought of doing it in the first place. Just breathe, Kid! Just fucking breathe!
I ignore it and focus like I’ve been taught. I don’t want to show weakness in front of Dominic. Don’t want him to see how easy it is to rattle me, see how quickly I can break. I breathe. All I want to do is breathe.
“You cut me out, Tyson,” he says. “You cut me out like I was nothing, like I was nobody in your life. You were my best friend and you treated me like I was nothing. I expected that from a lot of people in my life. I have been treated like that by a lot of people in my life. But not you. Never you. You didn’t give me a chance to explain. You didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. You made the decision you made because you felt it was right for you. Because you were pissed off, you were angry. I know you’re many things, Tyson, but the one thing I never expected you to be was a selfish asshole.”
“Keep talking,” I tell him. “Get it out so this can be done.” I don’t know why I ever thought I could get this back. Me and him. Somehow. I’ve made too many mistakes. I’ve fucked up too many times, and nothing can be salvaged here. I’m embarrassed and I want to go home so I can hide and lick my wounds. It’s not helping that I feel the sudden urge to bash his head in, to make him bleed.
His gaze flicks up to mine, and I can see the anger that’s mirrored in my own. “You’re damn right I’m going to keep talking. You think it’s just up to you? You think you get to make all the decisions here? You’re wrong, Tyson. You couldn’t be more wrong.
“Do you know what it’s felt like having to get updates on you secondhand? Having to hear from Bear and Otter or Creed and Anna how you’re doing? Having my phone calls ignored? I flew to fucking New Hampshire. I stood outside your door, and your brother treated me like I was some goddamn stranger, all because you were pissed off. Tell me, Kid, where the fuck is the fairness in that?”
I can’t breathe. His voice has gotten louder till he’s snarling. His words have gotten angrier. There are accusations and hurt and sorrow and a million other things crossing his face, but I can’t breathe because he called me Kid. Not once has he done that before. Not ever. I’ve always been Tyson to him. Or Ty. But never Kid.
Get it under control, it snaps at me. You want him to see h
ow weak you are? How much of a kid you are? Grow the fuck up. It’s all in your head. You know this is all in your head. It’s not real.
I hate it, but it’s right. I don’t want him to see me like this. I take in a breath. Hold it. Let it out. The car is shaking and my skin feels like it’s buzzing, but I force that air in. I force it out. It will not win. This will not overtake me. Not here. Not now.
“You’re right,” I say through gritted teeth. “Is that it? Can I go home now?”
He watches me in the mirror. I keep my face schooled. I keep my breathing shallow. My throat whistles once, but it’s quiet, and the rain has started falling harder, ticking along the roof. The clouds have come in faster than I thought they would.
“Why?” Dominic asks. “Just… why?”
Why? Why? Because I was in love with you. I thought one day you’d turn and see me the same way I saw you. You’d look at me and smile, and then there’d be this fire in your eyes. And it would be for me. All of it would be for me. You’d tell me that you never wanted me to leave again, and you were sorry you let me go in the first place. That you never meant for it to happen. You’d promise it would never happen again. You were my first love and as much as I hate to admit it, you’ve been my only. I love Corey and Kori, but nothing like I loved you. I might have been fifteen. I might have been a fool. But I believed. Somehow, some way, I believed. And you broke me, Dominic. You broke me. As much as I should have seen it coming, as much as I should have known it was there, you still broke me because I realized that what I wanted was never meant to be.
But that’s not me. I don’t say those things anymore. I don’t put myself out there because it won’t matter. I won’t be the one standing in the rain on the beach pouring my heart out. I’m not fifteen anymore. I’m not a Kid anymore. I know how things work now.
So instead, I say, “It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.”
He starts the car without another word, backs away from the beach, and heads toward town.
HE STOPS the cruiser in front of the Green Monstrosity. The rain has stopped and I’ve gotten my breathing under control. The panic attack I felt coming in the car has been pushed away for now. It might come later, or it might be gone for good. I don’t know. That’s how these things work. I need to go upstairs and go to bed or I’m going to have a killer headache tomorrow. But Bear is probably waiting for me still. Hopefully, Otter’s been able to get him calmed down some. I don’t need him screeching at me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dominic doesn’t make any move to let me out of the car. He just sits there and looks at the Green Monstrosity. It’s starting to get dark out. I wonder randomly what the beach hippies are doing right this second. Cornflower might be doing as he promised and giving Beach Vagrant a whole clan of hippie babies. I guess the world could always use more rock throwers.
“You said I belonged to you,” I say without thinking. My mouth tends to do that.
He sighs. “Things change.”
“Oh.”
Silence. Then, “You and Corey, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Seems like a nice guy.”
“The best.”
The briefest of hesitations. “You love him?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”