“We’ll go through Idaho,” Corey offers. “Then down through Nevada. Avoid the whole ‘cannibal Californian’ thing all together.”
“No,” Bear says quietly. “Stay out of Idaho.” He glances at me, and we both know why. That’s where she lives. Or at least, that’s where she was living the last time we heard from her. It’s not like there’s any chance I’ll accidentally run into her, but with all the things that have happened to our family, I wouldn’t dismiss it completely. We tend to get the brunt of the bullshit all at once. It’s kind of our thing.
“One of us could just go with them,” Creed says.
Who do these people think they are? “Now wait just a goddamn minute—” I start to say.
“That’s perfect!” Corey says, overriding me. “Dominic! Weren’t we just talking about how you have some time off coming to you?”
“You asked me that, yes,” Dom says slowly, and I can almost appreciate the diabolical trap Corey has intricately
spread out all around us. I can do nothing as I watch him tighten the noose. “Randomly. Out of the blue.”
Corey claps his hands together. “Well, then, Dominic can go with us to Tucson! We’ll be gone, what… a week at the most? Two days there, three days to hang out in Tucson, and then two days back with just Dominic and Tyson. Alone. By themselves. Surely you could ask for the time off, couldn’t you, Dominic? And, Bear, wouldn’t that make you feel so much better about the trip knowing a rather large police officer was escorting our young, impressionable, and obviously easily murdered by psycho cannibals selves through the wilds of California?”
The more he speaks, the more his death at my hands becomes an inevitability. That asshole knows exactly what he’s doing. This whole thing should be over and done and never discussed again, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for that meddling homo.
And since the (loaded) question is directed toward me, naturally everyone turns to look at me. Otter looks worried. Judas (Creed) looks like he thinks this is the funniest thing to ever have happened anywhere and can barely contain himself. Anna is scolding JJ across the room with her eyes only (in that weird way that only parents can do) as JJ prepares to massacre a bunch of balloons with a fork. Bear looks between Dominic and me, a look of dawning comprehension falling over his face. His mouth tightens and his eyes narrow.
And yet, wonder of all wonders, he waits. He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t say what he thinks is best for me, and for once, I’m pissed that he’s not taking this decision away from me, that he’s making me act like the smart and mature and totally responsible twenty-year-old I am (or like to think I am, anyway). Just two seconds ago, I was mad that he was trying to make a decision for me and now I’m mad that he’s not. Jesus fucking Christ. I have to be bipolar. There’s no other explanation for it.
God. Being an adult sucks so much ass.
And Dominic, of course. Dominic, who stands there larger than anyone has any right to be, watching me with guarded eyes and a blank face, and I want to scream at him to just tell me what the fuck he wants, what the fuck he wants me to do. What he wants me to say. What’s that word Bear used to use? Projecting. Of course I’m projecting, because he doesn’t want anything from me, he doesn’t need me to do or say anything. His life and world was perfectly ordered until I came back.
And yet he waits and watches in that infuriating way.
In the space of the seconds that have passed, three responses have formed in my head, and it’s anybody’s guess which one will actually come out.
One: Are you out of your fucking mind? Of course I don’t want you to come! I’m fighting a losing battle to get these ridiculous fantasies out of my head of your dick in my mouth, and you want to be plastered by my side for a week? How could you possibly think that’s a good idea. Don’t you know what you do to me? Don’t you know why I didn’t come back? You broke me, Dom. You broke me into a billion tiny little pieces, and somehow, I’ve put myself back together, only to have you here again. I love you. I don’t think I ever stopped. But I can’t have this because even though I’m back together in some shape and form, I still don’t know how to breathe.
Two: Of course I want you to come. That way we can be by each other’s side as much as possible because I highly doubt once this summer’s over that I’ll ever come back here. I really think Seafare and I might be done. So let’s go do this one last thing before I figure out how to put my life back together and get myself back on track. One last thing so that I can look back years from now and not feel completely guilty about how I decided to run away yet again.
Three: Sure, Dom! That’d be swell. We’ll have a blast! I really appreciate you taking the time out of what I’m sure is a busy schedule to come and babysit Corey and me. Maybe that’ll give us more time to reconnect and see what’s what. Maybe you can drive part of the way too? That’d be awesome.
Three choices. Three different reactions.
Which one do I pick?
Surprise! The fourth one.
“What about Ben?” I ask stupidly while it laughs hysterically inside my head, calling me an asshole.
“That’ll be his week with his mother,” Dominic says softly. “They’re taking him to Disneyland with a group of other autistic kids. Supposed to be a big to-do.”
“And you weren’t going to go?”
He shakes his head. His face is still blank, like any decision I make wouldn’t matter in the slightest to him.
You’re projecting, it says, sounding amused. Jesus, you’re supposed to be this fucking genius, and here you are, wondering yet again why a boy doesn’t like you like you like him. How positively dismal has your life become that this is what you are now? You’ve been to hell and back and this is what you’ve made of it? This is what you’re going to allow yourself to be? Such promise, they’ll say someday. He had such promise and he let it all be squandered away. I hope I’m still around to tell you I told you so when that happens.
I mimic Dominic as much as possible. I shrug. “Doesn’t matter to me one way or another. I don’t think we need a babysitter. But it would be all right to have company on the trip back home.” I think about each and every single word as it comes out of my mouth to make sure there could be no hidden meaning gleaned from any of them. I’m not being paranoid. Just careful. (And paranoid.)
He shrugs too. “That works.”
What is that supposed to mean, you son of a bitch? I almost scream at him, but I stop myself even as I feel it start to well up in my throat.
Corey claps his hands together. “Wonderful!” he exclaims much too brightly. “Then it’s settled. Dominic will accompany us to Tucson, and we shall see what we see!”