“I heard,” Ryan said through gritted teeth.
“And you,” I told Dimitri, trying to get us back on track. “I have betrayed you because I believe you to be a perfect offering to the greatest wizard in the world. After all, Myrin would love to have the king of the fairies as a prisoner.”
The Darks sounded rather pleased about that. “That’s so true,” one of them said.
Dimitri buzzed angrily. “You think you can stop me?” he asked. “I am the king of the Dark Woods. I am the Guardian of the Forest. The Keeper of the Trees. The—”
“We get it,” I said.
“Good,” he snapped. “Because nothing you can do can stop me.”
“You forget,” I said, arching an evil eyebrow at him. “I am the master of the dragons. They belong to me. They are in my control. Perhaps an exhibition of my power would show you just how wrong you are.”
“Do your worst,” Tiggy intoned. “I smash you good.”
“Ha, ha, ha! I would like to see you try, you giant of a man. Now, enough talking! Behold, the strength of Sam of Dragons!”
“I got chills with that,” Gary whispered to me. “Like, if this was real, I would consider being scared.”
“Cool, right?” I whispered back.
And then a bright light burst from my hand, a ball of swirling energy that was absolutely nothing at all. I’d used a smaller version in the sewer tunnels. It wasn’t even warm.
But the Darks didn’t know that.
“And now,” I said. “For one of my most diabolical spells. Flora Bora Slam!”
I hurled the light at Kevin. It hit him in the chest and dispersed. He wouldn’t have even felt a thing, but he clutched his chest and growled, his tongue lolling from his mouth. A little stream of smoke curled from his nostrils. He slumped over, head hanging down for a beat or two, before he raised his head and looked at me. “Master,” he said in a dull voice. “I am here to do your bidding.”
The Darks clapped.
“Wait,” Terrance said. “I thought dragons were impervious to magic.”
Godsdamn Terrance. He was my greatest enemy. After Lady Tina, Myrin, Ruv, Caleb, and Vadoma. I would have my revenge. “You are exactly right, Terrance. They are. Except for Flora Bora Slam. It is a spell of my own design, something I concocted while deep in the Dark Woods. I studied all the dragons and learned of a weakness in their makeup. That weakness allows me to control them.”
“In all ways,” Kevin said in that same flat voice. “Like, you could do things to me and I wouldn’t be able to resist. I’m your sexy puppet.”
“Right,” I said quickly. “Or other things not quite as gross and/or related to bestiality.”
“Control the dragons?” one of the Darks asked.
“Bwahaha! I am so glad you asked. Kevin! Take out Gary and Tiggy and Ryan and Dimitri!”
“Rawr,” Kevin said, bearing his teeth slightly. He reached down and tapped Tiggy on the shoulder.
Tiggy yelled, “GWAAAH!” as he fell to the ground, the dirt kicking up around him.
“Wow,” one of the Darks said. “It looked like he barely even hit him.”
“Grr,” Kevin said as he poked a claw against Gary’s neck, the skin dimpling.
“Alas!” Gary cried as he stumbled. “I have been defeated. My horn, recently returned to me that no one has complimented me on in the last thirty-six minutes, has failed me. I feel the darkness closing in on my vision. My life is flashing before my eyes. I had a wonderful time here in this world. Why, there’s the time I was a wee slip of a lad and found myself losing my virginity to a rough-and-tumble centaur named Douglas Von Snapperstein. He had such wonderful biceps that made me feel safe as he plundered my virgin hole. And then there’s the time I found myself eating warm ketchup for the first time and realized that people who open condiments and then put them back in the pantry instead of the icebox are essentially equivalent those who commit war crimes. And then there was the time I—”
“You said you were defeated,” I reminded him, starting to sweat a little.
“Well excuse me if I have lived a long and storied life that I have yet to write down in an autobiography entitled If I Did It, where I discuss all the bad and illegal things I’ve potentially done and tell you exactly how I would have done them had I done them. There would have been a surprise follow-up four months later called I Did It, where people would shell out the same amount to read the fact that I did those bad and illegal things.”
“Fall. Down.”