“No, Jeffrey,” Gary snarled, “that doesn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it makes me feel worse.”
“Oh. Well, if I could continue telling you about—”
“How did you even meet this dickbag?” I asked Gary.
“He’s a patron of Honest Helga’s,” Gary said, side-eyeing the fuck out of Jeffrey. “He likes to tie things up and whip them, and you know how I feel about that.”
“Unfortunately I do,” I muttered. “We really need to renegotiate the boundaries of our friendship.”
“If you’ll recall,” Gary said, “we did that four months ago, and those rules are good for at least another year. It’s not my fault that you suck at negotiating.”
“You do suck,” Tiggy said. “S’okay. You’re pretty.”
“Thank you, Tiggy, that’s very nice of you—hey!”
“Ahem,” Jeffrey said, beginning to pace at the mouth of the cave he’d trapped us in, somewhere in the Dark Woods. I was really starting to get sick of his attitude.
“Everyone,” I said. “Everyone. Jeffrey obviously has something important to say, which is why he rudely keeps interrupting us.”
Gary and Tiggy turned slowly to stare at him.
Jeffrey flushed, his right front hoof scuffing in the dirt. If he wasn’t an evil douchebag, I would have thought this half man/half horse was handsome. And he was hung—nope. Nope, nope, nope. “Yes, well. I appreciate your attention on what is a very serious matter. You see, it all started with my father—”
“Did I mention how handsome you looked today?” Gary asked me.
“Thank you,” I said, rather pleased. “I was worried that it was going to look like I was trying too hard, but Lady Tina said that—”
“Ah yes, Lady Tina, who seems to be your new best friend. I’m glad you brought that up, because I certainly wasn’t going to.”
I glared at him. “She is not my new best friend. If anything, we’re frenemies and I barely acknowledge her existence. It’s not my fault she said I dressed as if I still lived in the slums.”
Gary looked amused. “Well, to be fair, she does have a point.”
“A little one,” Tiggy agreed.
“I hate you both so much.”
“Can we… uh, bring back the focus this way?” Jeffrey asked, pointing at himself. “Like, all eyes on me? That’d be great.”
“Rude,” I said. “In case you didn’t hear, I was in the middle of being complimented, and you just happened to—”
“Why are you dressed up like that?” Jeffrey asked, looking me up and down. “It seems a little odd to be all gussied up and going out into the woods to help your friend find his hookup.”
“Oh,” I said, looking down at my outfit. I wore tight white silk dress trousers with knee-high black boots, a rather frilly
white tunic opened at the throat, and a forest-green jerkin that had gold buttons running up the front and molded perfectly to my frame. “It’s sort of my wedding day.”
Jeffrey paled. “Say what now.”
“I’m getting hitched, dude. Like, fastening the ol’ ball and chain to my ankle so I’ll never be free. Getting dude-married to my one true love. Tying the knot. Taking a husband. Heh. And then later, I’m going to take my husband three or four times, if you know what I mean—”
“Yes, yes,” Gary said. “We all know what you mean. You should really keep your sexual deviancy to yourself.”
“Um, are we, or are we not, captured by the centaur who you were going to have a threesome with.”
Gary grinned. “My life is so exciting.”
“And now that you mention it,” Jeffrey said faintly, “the rest of you are all fancied up too.”