And they were! Gary’s mane and tail were streaked with pinks and purples, flowers from my mother’s garden woven into his braided hair. His horn had been polished and his hooves painted. I thought he was wearing mascara too, but I didn’t ask, because one never asked if a unicorn was wearing mascara. I most certainly didn’t want to purchase a one-way ticket to Gore City, seeing as it was now a viable destination.
Tiggy, as he was wont to do, didn’t accept any help from anyone in choosing his outfit. He wore green breeches and a yellow shirt with puffy sleeves. He topped it all off with a purple top hat that Mama had made especially for him. He looked like the world’s largest pimp. Randall approved.
“Thank you for noticing,” Gary said, batting his eyelashes at our captor. “Enchanté.”
“You are so gross,” I muttered.
Jeffrey looked rather fearful. “So what you’re saying is that I’ve kidnapped you on your wedding day.”
“Wow. You’re so quick. Good job, dude.”
“And that probably means there are people looking for you.”
“Literally thousands, most like. I don’t know if you know this, but my latest polls came out, and apparently I’m quite popular now. People find me appealing.”
“Which was barely ahead of off-putting,” Gary said gleefully.
“I smash you soon,” Tiggy promised Jeffrey.
“Oh no,” Jeffrey said.
“So!” I said. “Since we’ve established that I’m going to be marrying the dreamiest dream who has ever been dreamed, and that a billion people are probably descending upon our very location as we speak, maybe just let us go, huh? I swear I won’t let Tiggy smash you.”
“I smash you gooood,” Tiggy said.
“Okay, so he’ll smash you,” I admitted. “But that’s just par for the course. Unless this is going to be another Lartin thing. Because dude, that sucked. Are you super famous in the centaur world?”
“No. Well, I mean, not super famous, but I get by—”
“Eh, close enough. Tiggy, maybe not kill him smash him, but the sort of smashing where his bones are broken and he’ll regret being alive for the next six months, and whenever he hears our names, he will quake in fear.”
“I do that,” Tiggy said.
“Good,” I said. “Now that that’s settled, what say you let us out of here so we can get this show on the—”
“No!” Jeffrey snapped. “You know what? I’m in charge here. Meaning we’re going to do what I say. I have captured you, and therefore, this moment is mine. You will listen as I lay out my plan to take over Verania, and you will like it.”
“Oh, bitch,” Gary breathed. “Shouldn’t have said that, bitch.”
“That’s how you want to do it?” I asked, narrowing my eyes. “Fine.”
Jeffrey looked surprised. “Really?”
“I mean, yeah. Sure. I guess.”
“Oh. Okay. I just—I thought there’d be more resistance.”
“Nah, you were pretty forceful, dude. I was impressed.”
“Ha!” Jeffrey crowed. “If only my father could be here to hear you say that. You hear that, Dad? I’m forceful. Suck on that, you absentee asshole!”
“You were going to have sex with him,” I whispered to Gary.
“Yeah,” Gary said, staring at Jeffrey. “My bad.”
“I was seven when my father left to go get a pack of cigarettes and never returned,” Jeffrey began. “I’ll be right back, he said. Don’t you worry, he said. But I did. I did worry. And for good reason too! Because he never came back!”
“Why do so many villains have daddy issues?” I whispered to Gary and Tiggy.