“You just wait until this tree lets me go. I’m so gonna—”
And I never really got to find out how he was going to finish that sentence. In my deep and disturbing fantasies, he was so gonna fuck me into next week and we would have babies and buy a farm in the country, and I’d get to wear a really big sunhat while I plucked vine-ripened tomatoes from the garden.
But he never got to finish that sentence because we were surrounded by fairies.
“Balls,” I muttered, watching my dreams of a sunhat disappear in front of me.
“Sam?”
“Yes, Ryan?”
“Why is there a six-inch-tall angry naked man with wings flying in front of your face? And why are we surrounded by even more tiny fluttering naked men?”
I sighed. “Because this is what my life has become. Ryan, meet Dimitri, king of the Dark Woods fairies. Dimitri, this is Knight Commander Ryan Foxheart.”
Ryan’s eyes bulged. “This is your ex?”
“He’s not my ex,” I grumbled. I looked up at Dimitri. He really was tiny. And naked. It was so very awkward. His wings fluttered rapidly, and his creamy skin was flushed with anger. He had a shaved head and the tiniest mustache in the world. He would have been delightful if not for the fact that I was pretty sure he wanted to murder me. “Heeeeey, Dimitri. Long time no see. How you been, buddy?”
“Sam,” he said stiffly, and I’d forgotten just how high-pitched his voice was. It sounded like he was squeaking. I tried to keep my lips from quirking because he was angry and it sounded hysterical. “How nice it is to see you again. And you are so my ex.”
“Oh my gods,” Ryan gasped, like he was trying not to laugh. “This is amazing. I am having such a good time right now. Huzzah. Huzzahs all around.”
Dimitri and I both glared at him.
He didn’t look repentant in the slightest.
“What brings you to these parts?” Dimitri asked me.
“Your magic mushrooms,” I told him. “They sort of forced us here. Except for Ryan. Ryan was flirting with the trees.”
“I was not—”
“Is he always this loud?” Dimitri asked, frowning at Ryan. “He seems loud, even for a human.”
The other fairies grumbled their agreement.
“He’s usually pretty loud,” I agreed. “He has to be. He’s a knight commander. It’s dashing and immaculate.”
“Oh?” Dimitri asked. “So he’s the reason you couldn’t get married.”
And what the fuck? “That is so not even close to being a real thing.”
But Dimitri ignored me. He flew up to Ryan and hovered near his face. Ryan arched an eyebrow at him.
“I’ve heard of you,” Dimitri said, poking Ryan in the cheek. “You are supposed to be some big to-do. I’ll be honest. I’m a little disappointed.”
“Trust me,” Ryan said. “The feeling is not mutual. When Sam told me about you, I was expecting something completely different. This is so much better.”
“He talked about me, did he?” Dimitri turned and leered at me.
“Oh gross,” I muttered.
“I could see why,” Dimitri said, looking back at Ryan. “Especially if you’re the competition.”
“No competition,” I said loudly. “None. There is no competing.”
“See?” Dimitri said. “You’ve already lost.”