I coughed. “You have a what now?”
He shrugged. “I like them big.”
I grinned at Gary. “You hear that? I’m big.”
“Pretty sure he was talking about your actual size and not your dick, honeybunch,” Gary said, sounding bored. “Tone it down. I’m embarrassed for you.”
“I’m huge,” I told Dimitri. “Gargantuan.”
“Average,” Gary said. “I’ve seen it.”
“A little support would be awesome,” I said through gritted teeth.
“Oh my goodness,” Gary said, voice sugary sweet. “He’s ginormous. The first time I saw it, I was, like, is that your third leg? Are you some kind of three-legged human monstrosity?”
“Don’t listen to him,” I told Dimitri. “He’s an ass. You can keep him if you want. He has to weigh at least a thousand pounds.”
“Sam!” Gary shrieked at me. “How dare you!”
Dimitri flew over to Gary and started looking him up and down. “He’s got a point. We should totally get married. You could be my fairy queen.”
Gary’s ears perked up. “A queen, you say? Well. You never said anything about being a queen.”
“No, Gary,” Tiggy said sternly. “You no fairy queen. You Sam and Tiggy’s queen.”
Ah gods, my heart. “I really want to hug you right now,” I told Tiggy. “Dimitri, drop the damn fairy rings. I need to hug Tiggy because of feelings.”
Dimitri sighed and snapped his fingers. The mushrooms grew dim and I felt my magic come roaring back. Gary and I crashed into Tiggy at the same time, and his big hands came up to the backs of our heads and held us close.
“I can’t believe you said my weight out loud,” Gary hissed at me.
“I can’t believe you said my penis was average,” I hissed right back.
“If the penis shoe fits,” he said.
“What? That doesn’t even… penis shoe? Li
ke a shoe. For your penis.”
“Shut up,” he grumbled, rubbing his forehead against Tiggy’s chest. “I have had a very trying and emotional last seventeen minutes and I can’t be bothered to be my usual witty and wonderful self.”
“How do you explain the rest of the time, then?”
“As touching as this is,” Dimitri said from behind us, “I would rather get this over with.”
I let go of Tiggy and turned back toward the fairies. Ryan still had his arms held up by the tree. I tried not to notice the flex of his arms or how totally awesome it would be to have him tied up like that so I could do whatever I wanted and—
“Stop thinking sex thoughts,” Gary whispered.
“I wasn’t,” I whispered back.
“Liar. You had your sex face going on.”
“I don’t even want to know what that looks like.”
“Like your jaw came unhinged and you might start to drool.”
“So… attractive, right?”