Ryan cocked his head. “More so than you do.”
The mask slipped. “Hey!” I snapped. “I’m standing right here. I’m not a prize to be won.” I winced. “Oh my gods, that sounded awful to say out loud.” I looked at Gary, who was openly laughing at me. “For fuck’s sake.”
“I’m not a prize to be won,” he gasped out. “That was so awesome. You go, girl. Get down with your bad self and preach. We don’t need no mens. We are fierce and hear Sam of Wilds roar.” He puffed out his chest and pranced in place in his fairy ring.
“You’re a tool,” I said, feeling my face turn red.
“You just told everyone you’re not a prize to be won,” he pointed out. “You win the tool award. In fact, you are the tool award.”
“You can be my prize,” Dimitri said, slinking through the air back over to me. He made sure not to cross into the fairy ring because he knew full well I’d crush him like a bug.
“That’s not doing for me what you think it’s doing for me,” I told him. “Probably quite the opposite in fact. Dimitri, you know you and I wouldn’t work. You’re a fairy who lives in the Dark Woods, and I like not being in the Dark Woods. Or gay fairy married.”
“That’s a lie, and you know it,” Ryan said.
“I will keep you satisfied,” Dimitri said with a leer. “I may be small, but there are things I can do with my tongue that you wouldn’t believe.” He flew a little bit closer. “Sexual things.”
“That’s a kind offer,” I said, trying not to insult him by grimacing. “Really. But I’m okay.”
“Perhaps,” he said, waggling his eyebrows, “a little demonstration?”
“No thank you,” I said. “I’m all about true love. And not having sex with you.”
“If we could just—”
“He said no,” Ryan growled. “Back off.”
Dimitri looked over at Ryan, who was glowering at the king of fairies. He brought up a hand to stroke his tiny mustache (and I had to bite back awwing in his general direction because it was just so little) and said, “Oh. This makes much more sense now.”
“What does?” I asked.
“This,” he said, motioning between Ryan and me. “You know. The thing.”
I was bewildered. “What thing?”
Dimitri looked at Gary. “Is he serious?”
“Unfortunately,” Gary said. “It’s so awkward. It makes you wonder about the future of Verania.”
“I am so lost,” I said to Ryan, who was refusing to meet my gaze.
“Me too,” Ryan said.
Tiggy snorted and said, “Oh, Knight Delicious Face.”
Another fairy flew up, carrying a spear and wearing a helmet and not much else. I thought about asking why he had armor on his head and not his balls, but I didn’t think that was proper etiquette while being held prisoner by the Dark Woods fairies. “What shall we do with them, my lord?” he asked Dimitri. “Should we kill them?”
“No killing,” I said. “No killing would be amazing.” Because fairies could be vicious little things. They looked humanish, but they were filled with forest magic, and once the façade dropped, they were all teeth and claws and would swarm until there was nothing left but bits of shiny bone. “Come on, Dimitri. For old time’s sake. Buddy. Pal of mine. You owe me.”
“And how do you figure that?” he asked, eyes flashing purple.
“The whole kidnapping me and trying to make me your fairy bride? That’s a good place to start.”
“You said vows before your unicorn kicked twenty of my people in the face!”
“That might have not been my best move,” I admitted. “But, to be fair, you didn’t leave me with much of a choice. Hey. Hey. Look at me. What’s going on? Huh? Little guy? Why don’t you marry one of these fine-looking fairies?” I pointed out the hundred or so naked men fluttering nearby.
“It’s just not the same,” he said with a sigh. “I have a size kink.”