Cap: I’m safe. I know where Rod’s working.
Mal: You shouldn’t be doing that anymore. It’s getting too dangerous.
Cap: Don’t worry, it’s okay. Rod’s working out of an abandoned gas station on the west side of town. I don’t know much more than that.
Mal: That’s enough. I’ll find him.
Mal: Are you sure you’re okay?
Cap: If you’re talking about last night, I’m fine.
Mal: I wasn’t, but we should.
Cap: We don’t have to. It was stupid. We’re both stressed.
Mal: It wasn’t stupid, and it wasn’t a mistake. Why do you keep acting like I don’t know exactly what I want from you?
I chewed my lip, staring at that text, stomach twisting into knots. God, I hated myself for loving this. I hated the smile on my lips. The heat between my legs. I hated it, because each second that I didn’t tell Mal about the gate code and my involvement in Carmine’s death was another second I spent lying to him.
Cap: Easy boy. We had one romantic evening in your car.
Mal: Romantic evening? You mean when I fucked you until you came?
Cap: I recall doing most of the work.
Mal: Next time, you won’t.
I flushed, thinking of a next time, and squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t do this. Not right now with all this guilt swirling around my guts, churning like it might burn me to ashes.
Cap: Mal. We can’t.
Mal: Can’t, or won’t?
Cap: Both. Everything. You know what I mean.
Mal: He’s dead. I keep telling myself that. But it doesn’t make it easier, does it?
Cap: No, it doesn’t.
Mal: I miss him. But when you’re around, I don’t think about him at all. How fucked up is that?
Cap: It’s not fucked up. I’m the same way. And afterward, I feel horrible.
Mal: Do we need to keep torturing ourselves? Would he want that?
Cap: I don’t think so. But I can’t turn it off.
Mal: I can’t either. Guess we’re just fucked.
Cap: And not in the good way.
Mal: Don’t tease me, girl. I’ll come break down your door and have my way with you if you’re not careful.
Cap: Oh, yes, please. ;)
I grinned to myself. This was stupid. So damn stupid. We were throwing ourselves at each other while at the same time holding back, all because of a dead boy. But we were alive, and Carmine wasn’t coming back.
I had to tell him the truth. I couldn’t keep doing this without telling him what I did. I lost my virginity to this man and I wanted more from him, so much more, but it would never happen if I kept living this lie.
Cap: We need to meet. Tonight.
Mal: I knew you couldn’t help yourself. Dreaming of my fingers deep between those legs.
Cap: We just need to talk.
Mal: Right. Talk.
Cap: I’m serious.
Mal: Is that safe? You’re risking a lot. I know I’m incredible, but I’d rather you stayed alive.
Cap: We really need to talk. Please? Can you pick me up?
Mal: Where and when?
Cap: A block further away than last night. Two in the morning. Wait at least an hour if I’m not down right away.
Mal: I can do that. I don’t sleep these days.
Cap: I don’t either. You too busy dreaming about me?
Mal: Filthy, explicit dreams.
Cap: Tell me all about it.
Cap: Actually, please don’t. We’ll talk tonight, okay?
Mal: All right. I’ll see you tonight.
I sat back on the couch and stared at the ceiling.
He was going to hate me. There was no doubt in my mind. He’d hate me, and this stupid, butterfly-stomach feeling I had all the time would go away, because I’d lose him. The first man that ever made me happy. The first man to touch me, get me off, fuck me. The first man to want me more than anything else in the world, because when he looked at me, he stared like I was the most special woman he’d ever seen.
And I was going to throw it away.
All because I couldn’t live a lie.
Chapter 24
Mal
I parked the Chevy three blocks from the Balestra house and waited. It was ten until two and the night was quiet. Big, full moon. Cool, but not cold. The Chevy’s engine purred. I ran my hands down the steering wheel and thought about Cap. Her body on top of mine. Breasts in my hands. Hips rolling back and forth. The sheer, unbearable desire I felt every second of my life, thinking about her.
Would things be easier if I didn’t want her so badly? If there wasn’t some impossible, electric connection simmering between us?
Fucking right they would be.
But I’d be empty. I’d be a shell of a man murdering for his dead friend. And afterward, once the list was finished, I’d be nothing at all.
Cap gave me hope. She gave me a reason to live. If I could have her—if I could feel this for her—I could be a person again. There was a way back from this black pit of darkness that I’d fallen into without Carmine, and Cap was the light. She was my future.