Oh my god, it sounds like a hungry monster behind me. It’s getting so loud. How high is this freaking thing?
I am in the mountains, so it might be really high. Most of the drive up here was on an incline so steep that I had to perch on the edge of my seat just so I could see over the hood of my car.
This is going to be so bad.
I always hated nature and for my whole life, people tried to talk me out of it. My parents pushed me outside even though all I wanted to do was read in my room. Friends tried to get me to go on hikes or go rock climbing. Seriously. Rock climbing! Up a mountain! I can’t even…
They all said I was nuts for not liking the outdoors, but guess what. I was right! Nature was trying to kill me all along and it looks like it’s going to succeed brilliantly.
I start to panic as I get closer and closer to the terrifying rumble. Should I jump out and try to swim to the shore? That’s a bad idea. The current is going so fast, I’ll never make it.
I’m going to die out here. It’s certain. I’m going to break my neck on the bottom of that waterfall and turn into fish food. There will be an episode of 20/20 on the disappearance of the fancy New York lawyer who thought she could go camping and was never found again. I hope they don’t show my graduation photo. I just know my mother is going to send that one to the press even though I have that weird awkward smile like I just told a joke in a room full of people and nobody laughed.
Dread sinks into my bones as I turn a bend and see where the river ends. It just disappears into the sky.
The waterfall is deafening up close. The water is insane here. It’s so rough and fast. It’s sending me soaring toward the waterfall like a rocket.
The realization hits me: I’m going to die.
My heart sinks.
I’m going to die a twenty-six-year-old virgin who has never experienced romantic love. What a waste. What a calamity. All because I wanted to make my niece like me.
I try to move my canoe. I can’t.
I yank my laptop out of my bag and plunge it into the water, using it as a paddle. It does nothing.
It’s hopeless. It’s inevitable. I’m going over that fucking waterfall no matter what I do.
I turn and scream when I see the crest only a few feet away. My laptop slips out of my hands and sinks, but I have bigger worries now.
My scream gets louder and shriller as the current sends me flying over the edge. I’m thrown from the canoe as it topples over, flipping and turning as it gets trapped in the water and gets forced down.
I’m airborne and falling fast. My jaw clenches tightly as I try to remember survival scenarios that have come across my Facebook feed over the years. Run downhill from bears, bright red lips equals carbon monoxide poisoning, flatten yourself on a frozen lake. Nothing pops up for careening off a waterfall.
“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt,” I scream as I close my legs, clench my butt cheeks, shut my eyes, and place my hands at my sides.
I slam into the water feet first and shoot down to the bottom of the lake as I wait for the moment that will end it all.
It never comes.
My feet hit the soggy bottom and I push up as hard as I can.
The breath in my lungs begins to burn as the oxygen runs out. I’m swimming and moving up as fast as I can. As hard as I can. The life jacket is helping a lot.
Please. Please…
I need a breath so badly. It’s all I can think about.
My throat is on fire as my head starts to get faint.
Everything is going black and then my hand bursts out of the water.
I’m going to make it!
I explode out of the water and take a big glorious breath of fresh air. It’s the happiest moment of my life.
I’m alive.
Mother nature ain’t got shit on me!
I give the trees and waterfall and clouds the finger as I take in another triumphant breath of air.
“I’m the queen!” I shout to no one in particular. “I’m a rockstar! I’m a—you gotta be fucking kidding me!”
My arch-nemesis, the black fly, lands on my forehead.
“Not this time!” I shout as I smack myself in the head really fucking hard. At least I get him this time. I grin like a maniac when I see his dead squished body floating on the water. His days of tormenting me are over.
I look up as my laptop comes careening over the waterfall.
“No!” I gasp when I see it flipping around in the air. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe with some rice…