Lifeline

Shifting again, my sins weigh me down. “The following day, my loyalty was tested.” The bile pushes up my throat, an acidic burn. “Rama raped Agent Jefferson, and I watched.” You did nothing as he raped her. “I just fucking watched.” You did nothing as he violated her. “I just…” my voice disappears, the edges of my vision darkening.

Darting to my feet, I rush out of the room. I slam the door to the restroom open as the bile pushes over my tongue. I drop to my knees and vomit, my sins splatting against the white porcelain. Tears mix with the bile, and when the last acidic fluid has been expelled from my body, I slump down on my ass and cover my face with my hands. An agonizing cry haunts my ears, my shoulders jerking and buckling under the weight of the depraved shit I did.

I break again and again and again as flashes of JJ fill my mind. Her fear. Her tears. Her cries and whimpers as I fucked her. Her horror-filled eyes locked on me as Rama raped her.

Her wails.

How she fucking broke in my arms after her innocence was stolen from her.

My body shudders with the magnitude of the sobs slicing through me like shards of glass until my very fucking soul hemorrhages.

I was the one who stole her innocence. Rama just took the final blow.

I hear the door open and force myself to my feet.

“Daniel,” Uncle Carl says as he comes into the stall. He takes hold of my arm, and leaning past me, he flushes the toilet. Taking one look at me, he pulls me into a fatherly hug. “It’s going to be okay, son.”

I grip him, my entire being aching for a reprieve from this hell. “It’s not.” My hold on him tightens mercilessly as I break once again.

How many times can one man break?

Christ, what the fuck am I doing here? Giving a fucking debriefing? I should be locked up with the syndicate. I should pay for my crimes.

Needing to purge myself even though it will cost the only good relationship in my life, I pull back and admit, “I raped JJ.”

Uncle Carl’s face distorts with heartbreak, then he shakes his head. “No, you didn’t. She didn’t say that in her debriefing. She said you protected her.”

Slumping back against the stall, I meet my uncle’s eyes. “I didn’t protect her, Uncle Carl. It was my final test. I raped JJ.”

Again he shakes his head, his features drawing tight. “You don’t say those words to anyone!” Moving closer, he grips my shoulders. “You hear me, son?”

“I should be rotting in a cell.” I grab hold of his arm as the destructive force of my guilt once again rocks my entire world. “I’m no better than them.” A groan builds in my throat. “I fucking became the monster you sent me to take down.”

He yanks me back into his fatherly embrace, and the meager comfort seeping through the demons flanking me from every side isn’t enough to stop me from derailing.

Dropping my badge and gun on the kitchen counter, I grab the half-empty bottle of whiskey and take the stairs up to my parents' room. Sinking down on the floor at the foot of their bed, I twist the cap off and toss the burning fluid down my throat.

Bringing my knees up, I rest my forearms on them, the bottle of comfort in my left hand.

“I fucked up so badly,” I mutter to the ghosts of my parents. “I was supposed to protect her.” I take another swig and almost choke as a sob tries to force its way out of me. “Goddamn,” I groan. “What have I done?”

I’ve never loved anyone the way I love Julie Jefferson. She fucking brightened my days. Having her look at me as if she worshipped the ground I walk on was the only high I needed.

And I fucked it all up by raping her. By standing and fucking watching as Rama raped her.

I’m no better than him.

A killer. A rapist. A fucking monster.

“I should’ve died with you,” I groan, my chest burning and shuddering through a sob. “I should’ve fucking died with you.” Throwing the bottle against the wall, I shout, “Why did you leave me behind? Why did you bring me into this world?” The whiskey trickles down the white plaster like JJ’s tears. The shards of glass are scattered over the thick carpet, the gleaming sharp edges ready to draw blood – like my sins.

Closing my eyes, there’s no reprieve from the burning, JJ’s tear-streaked face haunting the back of my lids.

The silence that used to act as a balm to my soul is now gone and replaced with the echoes of her wails. It’s all I fucking hear.

I was her partner, her ride or die. She was my lifeline, my sanity. And then I did the fucking unspeakable.