Beautifully Hurt (Beautifully Broken)

And nothing will be the same again.

Eli sits down on the steps, pulling me onto his lap, and then he cradles me against his chest. “I’ve got you,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to my hair.

Eli’s the only one who’s given me permission to break. Everyone else keeps telling me it will get better. I must be strong. Time heals all wounds. A blur of empty words.

Turning my face into Eli’s chest, I take a deep breath of his earthy scent. “Don’t let go.”

“Never, baby.”

The nightmare overwhelms me, and my voice is hoarse as I whisper, “I can’t deal with it.”

“I know, and you don’t have to. I’ve got you.”

My body shudders from the storm raging inside me, and it has me admitting, “I hear Katie’s screams.”

Eli tightens his hold on me, pressing another kiss to my hair. He doesn’t offer me empty words.

“I can’t stop seeing it.”

I feel a hand on my arm, and lifting my head, I see Nina crouching in front of us. Eli’s mom doesn’t look at me with pity, but instead, there’s understanding on her face.

“Let me take Quinn for a walk,” she tells Eli.

We get up, then Eli murmurs, “I’ll be right here.”

Nina takes hold of my hand, and we walk a short distance from the church, stopping beneath a tree.

“I know what you’re going through. I know it too well.”

My eyes lock on hers, and I see my pain reflecting in them. “How did you survive?”

“I didn’t. Not at first. When it became too much to bear, I’d switch off. I’ve seen you do it, and that’s fine, Quinn. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to deal with it. You don’t. Not now.”

I nod as my chin begins to quiver because I needed to hear that.

Nina gives my hand a squeeze. “The memories will become bearable with time, but until then, if you need to cry, you can come to me. If you need to scream, you can scream at me. I’ll take all your anger.”

“It’s hard,” I whimper. I take a step forward, and wrapping my arms around Nina’s neck, I cry, “They were so cruel. What he did to Katie…”

Nina holds me tightly. “I know, sweetheart. Some people are monsters. There’s no trying to understand why they did such a horrible thing.” Her hand rubs up and down my back. “Focus on today. Just today. Say goodbye to Katie and her parents. Trust me, you need to say goodbye.”

I nod, and pulling back, I wipe the tears from my face.

Nina tilts her head, and locking eyes with me, she says, “One day at a time, Quinn. Don’t think about tomorrow.”

I nod again, and then we hear people as they start to file out of the church. Nina takes my hand, and we walk back to where Eli’s waiting.

Standing by the three open graves, it feels like my heart is hemorrhaging.

I might’ve survived the attack, but how do I survive this?

Surrounded by loved ones, I’ve never felt more alone. There’s a soft touch to my back, and glancing over my shoulder, I see Nina where she’s holding Jason’s hand.

Unable to cope, I turn into Eli, looking for shelter in his arms.

Pastor Clayton reads something from the scripture, and my eyes drift over the coffins. Stopping on Katie’s, my chest shudders, making my healing ribs ache. My eyes burn with tears, but they don’t fall.

We were supposed to grow old together.

I was going to be your maid of honor, and you’d be mine.

We’d be there for each other when we had children.

We’d arrange play dates and cookouts.

We were going to work at The Green Leaf until we retired.

You weren’t supposed to leave, Katie.

The heartache flays me until I’m raw and struggling to take my next breath.

When the coffins are lowered into the ground, my chest grows tight, and my throat strains.

Katie.

Hearing a strangled groan from Jason, my legs go numb, and Eli quickly wraps an arm around me before I can sink to the ground. My body leans heavily against his, the silent strength pouring off him somehow keeping me standing.

I suck in a painful breath, and then my eyes focus on Katie’s gravesite.

Bye, Katie.

A sob shudders from me, making Eli hold me tighter.

I’ll miss you every day of my life.

Eli helps me to the grave’s side, and I take one of the white roses. Pressing a quivering kiss to it, I look down at Katie’s coffin and drop the flower on top of the dark wood.

Sobs wrack through me, and this time there’s no keeping myself standing.

Once again, Eli’s there, catching me as I crumble to dust. He carries me to where the truck is parked, and opening the passenger door, he sets me down on the seat. He frames my face and begins to kiss the tears away.

“I’m so sorry, Quinn,” he murmurs. “I wish I could turn back time.”