“What’s happening between us?” I blurted out, finally addressing the elephant in the room.
He looked up from the bottle he was feeding her, his expression calm. “We’re getting to know each other again.”
“To what end?”
He set down the bottle, lifting her to his shoulder carefully, rubbing and patting gently on her back the way I had shown him. I was using the pump, getting some milk stored so he, too, could feed her—bond with her in another way.
“To be a family, Tally.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond, and he spoke again before I could, his tone mild.
“Where have you been?”
I knew I had to be honest with him if I expected him to be the same with me.
“A small place in Nova Scotia. Cathy owns it, and they took me there when I needed a place to stay and be safe.”
“Be safe from me?” he asked, his eyebrows lifted.
“Be safe from your world.”
Julianna burped loudly, and he praised her, settling her back into his arms and slipping the nipple in again. She began to eat in long pulls. “Why did you come back?”
“Cathy became ill and didn’t have much time left. June begged me to come and let her see Julianna. After everything they had done, I couldn’t say no. We planned every detail—or, at least, I thought we had.”
“You didn’t expect to be seen by one of my men.”
“Not in the London airport,” I admitted.
“So, if Conrad hadn’t seen you, you would have left, and I would never know of her existence. You would have hidden her forever.”
“Yes.”
I met his eyes, seeing the maelstrom of emotions in them despite his calm appearance. “You hate me so much you would have kept her away?”
“I don’t hate you, Julian. I wish I did—it would make things so much easier.”
“Explain that to me.”
“I ran away to protect her. To save her from hurt and pain.”
“I’m still not understanding.” He glanced down. Julianna had fallen asleep as she often did when feeding. He carefully laid her in the carrier, pulling a blanket around her. He sat back down, facing me, waiting.
“You left me alone,” he said simply, but I saw the raw emotion in his eyes. The hurt and pain that clouded his gaze. “Without a word. Not a chance to say goodbye or to explain anything. Injured and alone in the hospital. I didn’t know where you were. If you were okay. Why you’d left me. I faced months of recovery on my own. Worried, trying to find you. Terrified something had happened to you. Meeting dead end after dead end.” He shook his head. “Even with my connections, it was as if you were a ghost. I had to find a life again.”
“I didn’t leave until I knew you would recover.”
“Which I did alone.”
I had trouble meeting his gaze. “I had to go before I changed my mind.”
“Well, it’s nice to know it at least bothered you a little to walk away.”
There was no mistaking the hurt in his voice.
“It tore me apart, Julian.”
“Yet, you did it.”
I straightened my shoulders. We could go around this for hours.
“And you went back to work. To Hidden Justice.”
“I did. In a different capacity, yes.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m only the chess master now, Tally. I move the pieces on the board, but I don’t play the game. The bullets that night made sure of that. I can’t be in the field at all anymore. I would be a detriment to the team.” He drew in a long breath. “And once I fell in love with you, the craving for the edge of danger was gone. I didn’t want to risk myself. I didn’t want to risk us.”
I had noticed the loss of dexterity with his arm. He hid it well, but the occasional grimace crossed his face, and at times when he lifted his arm, I could see a slight tremble in his hand. He often had to switch sides while holding the baby, and I knew his shoulder and arm hurt him. He never said a word, though.
I swallowed, his words echoing in my head. “I hated knowing you were shot because of me.”
He cocked his head. “Did you think I would blame you?”
“I didn’t know.”
“Is that why you ran? You were fearful of me? My reaction?” He shook his head. “When will you realize, Tally, you have nothing to fear from me? In no way do I hold you responsible. Your brother was working his way up the crime ladder and would have been on my radar soon enough. He did this, not you.”
I thought back to the night I received the call from Damien. His serious tone telling me I would be escorted to the airport, where a private plane would take me to Julian. How terrified and confused I had been.
“He is badly injured, Tally. He needs you.”