Aurora had no trouble imagining a young, restless Nicholas straining to break free of his father's dictates. Fettering him that way would have been like trying to cage a wild tiger.
Nicholas paused, gazing out over the shimmering water. "I rarely saw my father after that, until he lay dying. It was only on his deathbed that I came to realize how much I hurt him by leaving."
She heard the regret in his voice, the sadness, and wanted to offer solace. "It must have been a sacrifice for you to return home to take over the family business."
"Somewhat, but I owed it to my father. I never fully appreciated the sacrifice he made to keep his family intact. He was passionately in love with Raven's mother, and he could have left his wife and children, but he didn't. Besides, it was time I lived up to my responsibilities. I swore to him I would care for my mother and sisters and keep his legacy intact. The line has done well enough under my hand… at least until the war started. But even with that, we've fared better than most shipping concerns."
Aurora wasn't certain she wanted to see this admirable, appealing side of Nicholas – the quiet, thoughtful man revealing his innermost feelings, opening himself to her. Yet it helped her understand what drove him. "That was why you were so determined to see Raven settled, even to the extent of wedding a stranger."
"Yes." He smiled. "Nothing else could have forced me to the altar."
She, on the other hand, had known her whole life long that the altar was waiting for her. Aurora fell silent, contemplating how different their lives had been. Nicholas had rebelled and set off on a wild life of adventure, while she had remained dutifully complacent, obeying her father's every wish – except his last. Until her marriage to Nicholas, she had always conducted herself precisely as expected of her. And until now, she had never allowed herself to admit how much she resented it.
"What are you thinking?" Nicholas asked, watching her.
"That wedding you was the first time I ever defied my father."
"That isn't what Raven says," he said quietly. "She claims you were forced to defy him regularly to protect your servants."
Aurora looked away. She didn't like to think about her father's violent rages. It was too disturbing, too humiliating.
"Raven saw your father threaten you, Aurora. I gather he struck you often."
"Not often," she said reluctantly, wanting to be fair. "And it was a small price to pay. I was the only one who could stand up to him, and he would…" She shut her eyes, remembering her father's physical assaults on his defenseless servants.
"He wasn't always so bad," she finally said. "My mother could manage him, but after she died, he took to drinking more heavily. His moods were so… unpredictable. One day he would be amiable, the next he would fly into a rage at the slightest provocation. I could usually calm him if I didn't confront him directly, if I placated him. But I grew to dread even being near him…" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "It's terrible to say, but I think I hated him."
"No."
"It is shameful to hate your own father."
"Not if he deserves it. Any man who would strike a – " Nicholas bit off the comment, his tone grim. "I would very much like to meet your father."
Aurora winced at the mere thought of that confrontation.
"I think he affected you more than you realize," Nicholas observed after a moment.
He was right, she knew, nodding slowly. "Perhaps so. All my life I lived in dread of his rages. They made me physically ill. I was always so powerless… I learned to hate emotional turmoil." She gave an involuntary shudder.
She felt Nicholas's hand touch the small of her back, offering comfort, and drew a measured breath. Her father could not hurt her now – because of Nicholas.
"For the past two months I've known peace. I no longer wake up dreading having to face my father. I was grateful to you for that. Wedding you allowed me to escape him."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you?"
"About the risk you were taking by marrying me."
"What good would it have done? You were not in a position to accept a refusal."
"I didn't realize the danger I was putting you in."
"It was my choice, Nicholas. And besides…" She smiled faintly down at him. "You allowed me to escape Halford, too. I would have had to endure that marriage." She shuddered again. "Truly, being widowed has allowed me far more freedom than I've ever known before, and I cherish it."
Nicholas considered her claim for a long moment. When he spoke, his tone was quiet, contemplative. "The bit of freedom you've carved out for yourself has barely scratched the surface, Aurora."
She gave him a questioning look. "What are you suggesting I do? I have already pressed the limits of decorum as far as I dare, setting up my own household and living on my own."