“Of course it’s okay. I was hopin’ you’d come. I saw your ‘rents a few weeks ago and they said you were doin’ real good. It made me proud.” He grins from the side and my heart swells.
“Take a seat. I’m gonna get ya some sweet tea.”
Minutes later James comes back out to the porch and gives me a glass of sweet iced tea and when I take a tip, my taste buds dance. “My God, this is good.”
“Mmhm, no one makes sweet tea like me. Well, ‘cept my mama but she taught me so it’s the same thing.” I laugh and take another sip.
We talk for a few minutes about school and Finger Lickin’ Chick
en and all the drama that the workplace has. I ask him about his crops and how things are going on his end he tells me just fine. The conversation is easy and calming until he goes on and asks about Rowen. It’s literally like I’m chained to Rowen. When someone sees me, they look for him. When someone sees him, they probably look for me.
“So, how is it workin’ with that boy?” My head snaps to his and I carefully watch him put some chewing tobacco in his mouth and spit the rest of its contents in a tan and brown cup. The smell of the tobacco fills the air and I think now I’ll always associate it with him.
“Does everyone in this town know that Rowen and I are working together again?!”
“Oh, now, come on. You know how it is in a small town like ours. Y’all are a hot topic.” I roll my eyes.
“It’s fine. We’re… ” What are Rowen and I? Friends? No, definitely not. And we have too much backstory to be called acquaintances. I don’t even know what to call us.
“Forgive him yet?”
I scoff and rest my head back on the wooden rocking chair. “No, and I probably never will.” Lies.
“Sure ya will.” I look over at James and his eyes are wrinkled near the edges. His dark, brown eyes meet mine and he gives me a little smile, basically giving me the go-ahead to spill my heart’s contents all over the wooden porch.
“I don’t know if I want to forgive him.” I whisper and I suddenly feel like pulling my hair down for some extra security. The thought of forgiving Rowen makes my heart feel two things: completely elated and then completely freaking terrified. Once I forgive him, I can’t go back. I can’t un-forgive him and if I forgive him, I’m afraid of the other feelings that will come to the surface; because no matter how hard I try to act like my heart has called it quits on him, it hasn’t. Not really.
“You wanna know what my mama used to say?” he asks, rocking his chair back and forth. I nod my head and look out to the distance. The sun is almost set and it’s casting a pretty pink tint out on the horizon. It’s stunning, and with all the colors swirled together—it reminds me of love. A beautiful valentine of some sort.
I hear him spit into his cup, “She used to say, ‘You can forgive but never forget.’”
I say nothing to James and I just let it sink in. I surely won’t ever forget anything that happened that night, or before. No matter how many times I prayed to God and wished that I could somehow erase the memories of Rowen and I, it never worked. I even went so far as to Google witches to see if they were real and could cast some strange, wicked spell on me to forget everything. (FYI- there aren’t any. Not in North Carolina, at least.)
“Now, my mom was a lot of things. She was a little crazy, but those words; those are some true spoken words from a lady who had been through hell and back. Take it from her; forgivin’ doesn’t mean forgetting. It just means you let go.” I met his eyes and I suddenly found myself shaking my head. He’s right, maybe I do just need to let go.
“A big ol storm is comin’, guys!” Sash is jumping with joy as he looks out at the wicked sky. The sun is still peeking through the clouds, but in the distance black and grey clouds swarm; it almost looks as if we are in the movie with the huge tornado that takes down houses.
“Why are you so excited?” I ask, perplexed. He is acting like a five-year-old about to go to the county fair.
“Because… ” He swings around and pushes his aviators on his head. “We get out of work if it storms andddd… that means I get to go muddin’ later.” My eyebrows dip.
“You go mudding?” I exclaim. I can’t picture it. Sash is just… not the type that looks like he’d go muddin’. He wears aviators, always has his brown hair slicked back to perfection, his face shaven clean… not the muddin’ type I’m used to seeing.
“Uh, yeah. It’s fun. You should come with me sometime.”
Before I can answer, Rowen coughs and then mumbles, “Are you really asking out your employee. Isn’t that, like… against the work employment laws.” My face instantly heats up.
“Uh, I’m only her boss for, like, one more week.” Sash quips in Rowen’s direction.
Morgan interrupts. “Plus, they’re only like two years apart, Rowen. It’s not that weird.” She comes to stands beside me and she has her hands on her hips like she’s ready to go to battle, over something so ridiculous… Sash and I mudding. How did we even get to this conversation?
I peek over at Rowen as he incoherently mumbled, “Whatever.”’ and I can see his jaw muscles flexing. I half expect steam to come out of his ears by the anger rolling off his body. But, he has no right to be angry. He and I… we’re history. Ugly, scary, overwhelmingly sad history.
“Maybe I will go mudding with you. I’ve never been,” I say, giving Rowen a sideways look. Take that, Rowen!
“It’s fun! Okay, break’s over. Get back to your stands and whenever we feel the first rain drop we’ll kick those annoying kids out.” We all laugh and know exactly which group of kids he’s talking about.
Unfortunately, I’ve learned that the club is full of rich families who pawn their kids off to the pool so they can drink at the minibar and go golfing. The kids are spoiled rotten and they act like they’re privileged, which annoys me to absolutely no end.