“No,” I force myself to say. “There’s nothing, it’s just… hard at the moment.”
God, I feel horrible for basically blaming what’s going on with me on Jane’s situation, but I don’t know what else to say. I need to make him back off, so we can leave this as it is. Everything that I have shared with Isaac has been eye opening, lovely, a nice lesson, I don’t want it to end badly.
“I understand. This must have been a difficult situation for you. I wish… well, I wish that I could have been there. I want to help you in any way that I can. I want to do whatever you need…”
I nod, knowing that he’s speaking the truth, but unfortunately, all that I can do is push him away. I need to shove him, violently, to get him out of my life before he learns about this baby. I can’t allow that to happen.
This is for the best, I have to remind myself. Remember all the reasons why Isaac can’t have us.
When he’s here looking at me like this, it’s so challenging to recall why, but I do know there are reasons. His father, his family, the expectations… all of it. Those reasons aren’t going anywhere. I have thought about it over and over again, and there isn’t a way out. Even in the dead of night, when I’m dreaming about him, I know it won’t work. There are too many factors weighing in against us. Factors we can’t overcome.
“Yeah, that’s great. Thank you.” I still can’t really look at him. “I appreciate it.”
We stand I silence for a few moments, the tension thick in the air. I’m sure that Isaac knows I have something hidden away underneath everything, and I’m just waiting for him to call me out on it.
“Okay, well I will get out of your hair then,” Isaac says quietly. “I’m sure you don’t want me here.”
He’s waiting expectantly, and the urge to scream and beg him to stay, because I need him so much, but I can’t. I absolutely have to nod, to send him away. Hate races through me, hate for myself, but I push it away.
“Thank you for coming to see me, it means… it means a lot.”
I take a step back and wait for him to move, but he doesn’t right away. I think that he might want there to be more to this conversation, which is of course completely understandable since things were amazing between us the last time we saw one another, and I have been blowing him off ever since. I’ve been a shit really, ghosting him, behaving in an unacceptable way. If I didn’t have such powerful reasons, I’d be mad at myself.
“Do you mind if I use your bathroom before I go?” he suddenly asks. “It’s a bit of a drive back.”
Is this an excuse? A way for him to stay longer? I can’t exactly refuse even if it is, that would be weird.
“No, of course not. You carry on. It’s just down the hall. That way…”
It suddenly hits me that he’s finally seeing my tiny apartment, and he might want to compare it to his place. Unfortunately, it isn’t looking it’s best because I haven’t exactly been the most careful while all of this has been going on. I have tried to keep up to date with the housework, but stress has made it difficult…
But I suppose it doesn’t really matter how much he’s judging me, this is the last time we will see one another. It seems like I’m going to have to write that letter of resignation now. It’s the only way to put this to an end.
I stare down the hallway after Isaac, but a picture catches my eye. A photograph of me and Jane hanging on the wall which takes my focus. It feels so freaking weird that Isaac and Jane met without me there. I wonder how it went. I can’t wait to ask Jane, find out what happened exactly. I’m so happy she is letting me in once more. This is progress, the start of our relationship rebuilding all over again.
I can live without Isaac, even if it will destroy me, but Jane, I need her more than anyone else. It’s going to be so hard to wait until the morning, but I’m pretty used to being on the edge now. One
more night is nothing.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Isaac
Fuck. This isn’t going to plan. Lexi is being so distant, and I don’t know why. It’s obvious that she’s keeping something from me, but without getting her to open up to me, I will never know what that is. How can I help her when she won’t let me in? She’s stubborn, Jane confirmed that, but I want to get passed that.
Once I’m in the bathroom, I do something almost as bad as practically stalking her when I followed her to the hospital. I invade her privacy once more, because I can’t wait for her to open up to me. I open up her medicine cupboard to look inside. My heart pounds heavily as I do, the sensation that this is incredibly wrong floods me, but I don’t stop. I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for, but I think I might know it when I see it.
No medication, I note as I flicker my eyes around. Nothing to really make me worry.
But there is a box. A box with a white thing sticking out of it. One that really grabs me. I reach out with trembling fingers and wrap my hand around it, the terror shaking my bones.
“A pregnancy test,” I whisper with shock. “She’s taken a pregnancy test?”
She hasn’t taken this one, it’s still unused, but there must be one around here somewhere. This would give me all the information that I need to understand what’s happening with Lexi. I head over to the garbage and peer inside, easily finding exactly what I’m looking for. A test that’s been used. A test with a blue cross on it.
“Positive.” The world spins around me. I’m dizzy and a little sick. I feel like I might fall. “There’s a baby.”
That’s what’s been happening, that’s why she has been avoiding me… but why? I know that it was new between us, but we were good, weren’t we? She could have talked to me about it…