Unless… the baby isn’t mine. That could be possible. It could be something that happened after us, or even during. I mean, we started as an arrangement, there were never any promises between us. We never made things exclusive even after we stopped the arrangement side of things, so she could have been doing anything. Just because I have been falling for her, doesn’t mean there can’t be another person in her life. Anything could’ve happened.
Me and Lexi started out as a secret. She’s good at keeping things to herself. Perhaps I was the one who was kept in the dark about another person that she’s been seeing… who the hell knows?
Everything continues to twirl and twist around me, I can hardly keep still as the foundation my world has been built upon sheds away. I have absolutely no idea where I stand now. This is crazy.
I need to get out, I tell myself desperately. I can’t be here anymore. Not with Lexi, not with this going on…
I race out of the bathroom to find Lexi standing in front of a photograph of her and Jane, that looked quite old. It might even be an image of them as teenagers before their mother died and their world fell apart. She looks so sweet and serene as she looks at the picture, I almost can’t believe that she would do anything bad to me…
But since she hasn’t told me about the baby, I can only assume that she doesn’t want me to know for a reason. Perhaps I just see her as this angelic sweet woman, because that’s what I want her to be. That’s how I’ve seen her.
“I… I have to go now,” I tell Lexi with a trembling voice. “But I will…”
I was going to say, ‘see you soon’, but now that I can see what’s really going on, I don’t think I will. Lexi clearly has no intention of coming back to work because she doesn’t want me to know the truth.
Lexi snaps her eyes away from the picture, almost as if she forgot I’m still here. “Oh right…”
My chest yearns, my heart aches, I just want her to tell me already, to let me know that the baby is mine, because really that’s all I want. Her and the life that we could share together.
But she says nothing. She just nods and allows me to walk towards the door. Internally, I scream for her to keep me here, to demand I don’t go anywhere, but I’m not an idiot. I know that she won’t.
I open the door, the outside world calling me, but I remain there for a couple of seconds longer before I bravely take the step outside. I force myself to get in the car and drive the hell away. It takes everything that I have to do it, but I just about make it, even though my head is spinning wildly.
“Fuck!” I bang my hand against the steering wheel. “Fucking hell, Lexi. What the fuck?”
Everything is ruined now. There is no way back for us. If she’s having a baby with another man, there is nothing for us. It means I was an idiot and she never cared about me. I’m going to be alone forever. Everything that we’ve been through recently, all the love that we’ve shared, it all flows through my mind and diminishes into nothingness. Just a deep black hole with nothing but numbness there.
This is why I shouldn’t have been nosy. I stuck my nose in where it wasn’t wanted, and I found out stuff I didn’t want to know. I need to learn a lesson, to never act this way again. I suppose it’s better I know, but that was a brutal way to find out. I think it would’ve been better if she just told me honestly.
I get home and jump out of the car, my feet pounding hard against the concrete as I stalk inside. I head into the kitchen and pour myself a stiff drink, which I hope will calm down my nerves… but as soon as it’s poured, I push it away. I don’t want it. The smell makes me feel sick.
Instead, I slump my head forwards and I hold it in my hands, a sense of hopelessness overcoming me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in this situation, it doesn’t feel right. Being here doesn’t feel right.
“What should I do?” I growl at myself. “What do I do here? I don’t get it, I don’t know what to do…”
I walk over to the nearest window and stare outside, trying to find some inspiration from the world. Something needs to help me, there must be some sign from the universe, I need help from someone.
“Truth…” The word bursts free from me. “I need to know the truth.”
I should have just stuck around and asked. That was pretty naïve of me. I ran away, I raced here, and now I’m none the wiser. As far as I know, aside from all the pregnancy stuff, Lexi has always been honest with me, so I’m sure that if I just asked her outright, she probably would have told me.
I grab my cell phone and think about calling her, but that doesn’t feel like the correct thing to do. I won’t be able to see her face, there’s no way I’ll know the truth, if I don’t see her expression. While it’s late, and probably not the best idea in the world to go back to Lexi’s home, I need to. I won’t be able to rest without knowing now, never mind sleep. So, I head back down to the car and I wearily make the journey back to Lexi’s home. I will be unwelcome, I know I will, but me and Lexi need to have this conversation. We need to hash this out once and for all. We need closure so we can know what to do next.
As I arrive, I feel even more unsure, but I don’t stop. The need to have all the answers is all that I want. I knock again and wait impatiently for her to answer. She comes to the door much quieter this time…
“Isaac?” Her eyes widen in shock. “You’re back? What’s going on?”
I part my lips, ready to demand to know what’s going on once and for all, but the words fall away. She has red rings around her eyes, it’s obvious that she’s been crying, which makes me feel terrible. I caused this.
“Lexi, I need to talk to you,” I reply calmly instead, holding myself together as much as I can. “Can I come inside, please? I won’t take up too much time. I just need… there are some things that we must discuss.”
“Erm, right sure.” She steps aside and I go past her, my heart pounding and my thoughts racing as I do. This definitely feels better than being at home, but I’m still very scared. “What’s going on, Isaac?”
I drag my fingers through my hair and look anywhere but at her. The words are there, but they are hard to get out. I guess as soon as I say this, as soon as the words fly free, the bo
ok will be closed forever. I suppose that needs to happen, for both of us to move on with our lives, but it doesn’t make it easier.
“Lexi, when I was here before, I saw something. In the bathroom, I saw a pregnancy test.”