“I should have been here, maybe she wouldn’t have died if I was. I could have changed things. I might have saved her… and now, now I just need to be on my own. I won’t ever get her back again. How am I supposed to do that, Isaac? How am I supposed to cope? I don’t understand, it isn’t right, none of this is.”
“I love you, Lexi,” I reassure her as best as I can. “And I will be here through anything. Whatever you need, I am here for it. You aren’t alone. I don’t want you to ever think that, because I am here.”
“I love you too,” she pants back. “I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared to be by myself.”
We remain as we are, until one of the doctors comes to get us, because there are things that need to be done. Since Lexi is a mess throughout, I help her as much as I can. Whenever I can do something, I do, and I’m sure that she’s grateful. She’s just in shock at the moment, unable to react to anything.
Once we’re no longer needed, I get Lexi to lead me back to the motel where she’s been staying. We gather up her things and I pay the rest of the tab, so she doesn’t have to worry. Then I bundle her into my car and take her to my place. I just need to take care of her as much as I can, to ensure that she isn’t alone.
“Come on, Lexi, let me get you in the bed,” I tell her softly. “You need to sleep.”
“I don’t think I will be able to sleep,” she weeps. “I’m too sad, Isaac. I can’t do anything.”
“That’s okay. You don’t need to sleep if you don’t want to. Just lie down. Your body is tired.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I just need to rest.” She allows me to walk her upstairs. “I feel ill.”
She lies down on top of the sheets and I stroke her hair. She cries for a little, which is to be expected, and I remain by her side, holding her until she falls asleep. I knew that she would, she’s absolutely shattered, and I hope that it might help to make her feel little better. I know she’ll never be the same again, that the grief will affect her forever, but I’m hoping that she won’t be as broken in the future.
“I love your sister, Jane,” I whisper into the air as if she’s listening. I don’t know if she will, I’m not totally sure what I believe when it comes to life after death, but it’s comforting to imagine her looking down on me. “I will do what I can to take care of her. Thank you for bringing us together at the right moment.”
It really does seem like she did that, like the message came at the exact right time, almost as if it was her way of giving her sister something. I really don’t like to think she knew that death was coming for her, because it’s absolutely gutting to think she didn’t share that with us, but if she did… then that was her last act.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I sneak my arm out from underneath Lexi and I take my cell phone from my pocket. I exit the room to answer so I don’t wake up Lexi. She needs that rest desperately and if she wakes from it, she won’t go back.
“Hey, Mom.” She’s been calling a lot ever since she sort of fixed things between me and Dad. I think she wants to make sur
e that she knows where we stand every single day. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes, Isaac. How are you? How were your meetings today? Your father has been worried…”
God, I almost forgot about all of that. Work flew out the window the moment I heard about Jane.
“Erm, yeah, everything was good, Mom… work wise. But er…” It sticks in my throat, I don’t know how to say it. “Lexi’s sister actually passed away today which was a real shock.”
“Oh no, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry to hear that. How is she? I assume that you’re with her.”
“Yeah, she’s here, she’s sleeping in my bed at the moment, Mom.” I huff loudly. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any experience with this, so I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to be there for her.”
“Just being there is honestly enough. You can’t do any more than that. She will be hurt, upset, mad at times… and all you can do is listen and support her. Help her as much as you can, because she is having your baby and this emotional stress won’t be helpful for her. That’s your most important job.”
“Right.” I nod along to her words. “That makes a lot of sense. Thank you, Mom. I appreciate you helping me.”
“If you need me at any time, just call me. I can come around whenever.”
I agree, but I don’t know if I will take her up on that offer. I don’t think Lexi will want to meet my mom for the first time in that way. I’m sure she would prefer it under better circumstances.
“Thanks, Mom, I appreciate it a lot. I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replies with a softness to her tone. “I’m here for you, if you need me.”
Once I hang up the phone to my mom, I step back into the bedroom to see Lexi still asleep. She has a child-like innocence in her eyes, a sadness, a need to be taken care of, and all I want to do is do that for her. Mom’s advice is useful though, she’s right, all I can do is be there.
I want to be here forever now. To be the person that she turns to, no matter what happens. If I could be the man that Lexi needs, then my life’s plan has all come together. I don’t need anything else. I always thought that I did need things, material things which I suppose is learned behavior, but now I know different.
It’s only her.