Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC 4)

“I don’t want her to bear it. It isn’t fair that she has to suffer because I can’t provide properly for her,” I say, frustrated. My shoulders slump. “But what can I do about it? I can’t afford a new computer. I do have bills coming up, and they have to be paid first. I’ll be lucky if I have anything left after I’ve paid for everything. At most, I might have a hundred dollars…and that’s not nearly fucking enough for a computer. At least, not one that I expect to work.”

“Even used computers are a few hundred dollars,” Trevor agrees. “She’d probably want something brand new, though.”

“No, she said she was okay with used, if that was all I could manage,” I say before letting out a sigh. “That’s the worst part; Lily has been so good about it, and she tries so hard not to ask for much. I’d give her the world if I could, but it’s just not possible. I’ve even been thinking about picking up another job just so we have a little extra.”

“It might not be worth it,” Trevor advises. “You’ll barely see Lily. What would she rather; money to buy things, or seeing you?”

“Right now, seeing me, probably, but she’s going to be a teenager soon. I imagine that tune will change,” I say with a snort.

“Fuck, that’s not too far away,” Trevor laughs. “I can’t imagine sweet Lily as one of those argumentative, emotional teenagers, though.”

I glance sideways at him. “Then you haven’t seen her when I ground her. She’s not so sweet when she gets caught doing something wrong.”

Not that it is that often. Lily tries to stay out of trouble as much as possible, but she’s only young, and she can be quite mischievous. Last month I had to ground her when she and her friends decided to go for a walk around the streets after midnight; she was meant to be sleeping over her best friend’s house with a few other girls, and the only reason we even know what they got up to was because Georgia had worked quite late and passed them all on the side of the road, giggling at getting away with sneaking out.

Still, Trevor was right, I’m not going to trade those moments with Lily for a little extra money, not right now. Lily and Georgia are all the family I have in the world. As hard as being a single parent has been, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

“Maybe I can save up for a little longer; I think Lily will be okay with a late gift, if it comes down to it,” I say. “I can get her a cake, and maybe something small, and put away a little money a week until I have enough to get her something nice.”

“She’d probably appreciate that,” Trevor says with a nod. “I wish my son were as easygoing as your daughter; he told me he hated me yesterday because I wouldn’t buy him that new game that came out. And the only reason I didn’t was because I bought him a game on the weekend.”

Trevor earns as much as I do but his wife is a lawyer, so they’ve never wanted for money. I’m often fascinated by the relationship between Trevor and his wife; they’re as different as night and day, but they’re so very in love. They’re both lovely people, but their son, the same age as Lily, is very spoiled.

“Wow,” I comment. “Jason might need to remember that he can’t always get what he wants.”

“Anita and I were saying the same,” Trevor grimaces. “We’re going to have to talk about what to do.”

“It’s stories like that which make me grateful that Lily doesn’t give me too hard a time,” I say with a laugh.

‘Just wait,” Trevor says sagely. “Jason and Lily are going to be teenagers at the same time.”

We both consider this and shudder.

“A few years away yet,” I say.

“Good,” Trevor says with feeling. He puts his beam down and claps me on the shoulder. “In regards to not being able to provide for Lily; you need to stop feeling so bad. Lily loves you very much. You’ve been a great father to her, and you’ve done most of it on your own. She might be disappointed if you can’t get her what she wants, but she’s not going to hold it against you for long. You’re not a bad father just because you can’t afford something.”

I grimace and don’t answer. Sometimes I feel like the worst parent in the world when I watch other children with their brand name shoes or their shiny new games, while all I can provide Lily is used clothes from the thrift store or old games that I managed to pick up cheap by chance.

Somehow, I swear, I’m going to get Lily a brand new computer. I don’t know how yet, but I’ll look into the options I have and keep my fingers crossed. Just once, I want to give my daughter something she wants.

When I pull my bike into the garage, Georgia’s car is already there. There are two days a week that I work a little later, and Georgia gets Lily from school on those days. I take my helmet off and head inside. A movie is playing on the television and I’m amused to see that it’s the movie the two of them fell asleep watching last night.

“Finally getting to see the end of it?” I ask.

“Dad!” Lily shrieks, leaping up, and Georgia scrambles to pause the movie.

“Hi, Lily,” I say, catching my daughter as she flies into my arms; it’s greetings like this that make me feel like I’m doing something right. “How was school?”

“Fine,” Lily beams. “Can you help me with my Math later?”

As a construction worker, I often have to do calculations for measurements. As such, Math was always one of my better subjects, and Lily will normally come to me for help if she is struggling with any of her Math homework. For everything else, she goes to Georgia.

“Sure,” I say. I sniff the air appreciatively. “Is that spaghetti and meatballs?”

“Yeah, we got hungry, so I started cooking dinner,” Georgia says, a smile dimpling on her chocolate skin.

“Thanks, Georgia,” I say. “You’re a godsend.”