Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC 4)

Susie doesn’t say anything. She knows how big that is to me. I’ve never seriously discussed leaving Ethan behind, despite everything. I bite my lower lip, wondering what she’ll say.

She sighs heavily.

“Honestly? I think it’s awesome that you thought that.’

“What?” I ask blankly; that’s not what I expected.

“I’m going to be blunt, Georgia,” Susie tells me. “I love Ethan tons. If the two of you ever do get married, I’ll be ecstatic. He’s been part of our family for over twenty years, you know. I only want the both of you to be happy. But he has Lily, and he has a lot of baggage. I wish I could say I knew if he will ever look at you the way you want him to, but I don’t know if he will. I do know he’ll never look at you as anything other than a very good friend with the way things are. Something has to change before his way of thinking changes, regardless of what that is. Maybe this change will be good for the both of you.”

“Really?” I ask, frowning.

“Also, you’re doing yourself - and Ethan - no favors by doing what you’ve been doing,” Susie continues. “You both rely on each other far too much. You both need to stand on your own two feet and find your own way. Maybe then you’ll find your way to each other.”

I frown. I’ve never thought about it like that. Am I maybe suffocating any possibility of a relationship by always being at Ethan’s side? Ethan loves me, I know he does…but maybe I’ve never given him a chance to see me as anything more than the young girl that used to follow him everywhere? The one time he could have looked at me like that, he had been too grief-stricken and panicked to think it through properly.

“Huh,” I say.

“Think about it,” Susie advises. “I’m not telling you to accept the job. But don’t dismiss it just yet, okay?”

“I won’t,” I promise. “I’ll give it a good think first.”

“Good.” There’s a sharp, childish cry in the background and Susie sighs. “Sorry, duty calls. Bye, Georgia.”

“Bye, and thanks,” I say.

I hang up and stare at the wall, frowning. I’m still not sure what to do, but Susie has just given me a lot to think about.

I shake my head and continue to the cupboard. I’ll have dinner and think it through later. Right now, my head is spinning and I just want to relax.

Chapter Five

Ethan

Two days after I spoke to Trevor about Lily’s birthday present, and my worry that I won’t be able to provide anything nice for her, I’ve arrived home to find the house completely silent. Georgia is still at work, having gone in for a special meeting about a report despite it being a Saturday, and likely won’t be coming around tonight, and Lily is having a sleepover at her friend’s place. That means,

tonight, it will just be me.

It’s an unusual sensation. It hasn’t been often, in the last ten years, that I’ve spent a lot of time on my own. Lily was always around when I wasn’t at work and, even if she was at a friend’s place or in bed, Georgia was there.

Not today, though. When was the last time this happened? I cast my mind back, but it was actually a struggle to remember. When Lily went for a sleepover about two months ago, I forgot to tell Georgia, and my friend showed up that night with some popcorn and a movie that the two of us ended up watching together.

“Huh,” I say, and my voice is oddly loud in the quiet house.

I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I honestly can’t remember a time when either Georgia or Lily wasn’t at home with me. It makes something uncomfortable curl up in my stomach, especially since it was only the other day when I was wondering if I was starting to take advantage of the fact that Georgia was always around.

But I’m a grown man, for fuck’s sake. I can handle being on my own for a few hours. Besides, it means that I can get started on the paperwork that I got from the loan officer this morning.

I’ve decided that I can’t let this one go; I need to get Lily her computer. The only way, unfortunately, that I’m going to be able to get one, brand new or otherwise, is to get a loan. So, I’m going to start the process of borrowing a little money in order to get a brand new, top-of-the-range computer, one that will hopefully last us for a few years, and work on painstakingly paying it back over the next few years. Having yet another bill will be tight…but it will also be worth for once being able to give my daughter what she wants.

I try not to think about what Georgia would say if she knew about it. She would give me the money in a heartbeat, I know, but I don’t want to do that. For starters, this is something I want to give Lily on my own steam, to prove, at least to myself, that I can provide nice things for Lily. And, secondly, Georgia already does so much for us. I don’t want to start relying on her financially too. I don’t want to become that kind of burden on my friend; it wouldn’t be fair.

Though, as I pull out the thick packet of papers the bank is asking me to fill out, I can’t help but wonder, gloomily, if there is another way. I’m going to be in debt for so long, even just for a few thousand dollars, and I haven’t even calculated the interest I’ll need to pay on top of that, too.

It’s for Lily, I remind myself, pulling out a pen.

Nearly two hours later, I sit back, rubbing my sore eyes. This is ridiculous. How many different times and ways do they want me to state my income? How many of those papers have I signed? My hand is cramping, my head is spinning from all the legal jargon and there are several questions I don’t understand. I’m either going to have to ask Georgia for help in finishing this - during which I’ll likely get an earful about trying to take too much on myself - or someone else. But no one else in the Roughshod Rollers knows much about these things…

Wait.