Secret Desires (Roughshod Rollers MC 4)

“You do,” he agrees. “And I have the right to decide the same.” He pauses. “I have the right to decide that I’m not going to be the one to hold you back.”

“Hold me back?” I demand. “You’re not…”

“I am!” Ethan interrupts. He scowls at me. “You waited for me for ten years, Georgia. In the time, you didn’t date. You spent all your time with us, helping me with Lily. Now this big job has come up, and you’re considering refusing it? For me? What if nothing had happened between us, Georgia? Would you have taken it?”

I don’t want to answer that. But his eyes are burning and I remember, when I first got the job offer, that I had gone to tell Ethan that I was taking a job in the city.

“Yes,” I say quietly.

“Yes…” he repeats. Ethan has the conflicted expression on his face before he seems to come to a decision, nodding to himself. “You’re an amazing woman. But if we keep going like this, it’s just going to end in tears for both of us. You have your dreams to chase. And I can’t live with knowing I stopped you.”

There’s a lump in my throat.

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” I say. “Look, the job doesn’t matter…”

“And it should!” Ethan says sharply. His face is twisted in anguish at my words. “This is your dream! I l…”

He hesitates, the words not quite escaping his throat.

“I care about you,” he says instead. “I can’t see you do this to yourself.” He takes in a deep breath. “I don’t want to be together with you if it means tying you down.”

There it is. I knew a break-up was imminent. But I don’t know how to respond to this. What am I supposed to say? We’ll break up if I take the job. And, if I don’t, he’ll break up with me anyway, unable to bear what he feels he’s done.

“I’m sorry,” Ethan says, and he looks almost as distressed as I feel.

It’s not okay. I got my hopes up, and they’ve just been dashed to pieces. I feel my lips tremble, and I take in a deep breath. I’m not going to cry in front of Ethan. I know he thinks he’s doing this for my sake. But it hurts too much to appreciate it.

“Still friends?” I ask with a tremulous smile.

“Always,” Ethan says firmly and immediately. “Nothing will ever change that for me. You’re my best friend, the only person I trust in the entire world.”

“So why can’t we be together?” A traitorous voice at the back of my mind wonders.

“Same,” I say.

We look away from each other, staring down at our drinks. It feels a little awkward, now, which I hate. It should never be awkward with Ethan.

“So…about the carnival on Saturday,” Ethan says.

Oh, god, no. I can’t do that. I love Ethan a lot, but that’s only two days away. How can I spend hours in his company after this? I need at least a week before I can do something like that.

“I was thinking I might give it a miss,” Ethan says, and I look up sharply. He isn’t looking at me. “But Lily is still excited, so will you take her?”

He understands. Of course he does. Ethan has always understood me better than anyone. I smile, and this time it feels more genuine.

“Yeah, I will,” I say.

Ethan looks up and smiles tiredly.

“Thank you,” he says. He stands, draining the last of his coffee. “I better go rescue Grant and Jessica from Lily on a sugar high; her class had a party today, and she’s bouncing off the walls.”

I snort.

“Sounds fun,” I reply.

“I’ll see you soon,” Ethan says.

He waves and leaves. On the table is a bill, obviously intended to pay for the drinks. I sigh and pick it up. As I lean over the table, however, tear spots fall onto the wood, and I realize that I’m crying silently.