Rock My World

“I am going,” I tell her with a determined nod. “I am leaving.”

She looks at me with pure sympathy in her eyes. “You should go back to your old life. Go back to the band. That’s what you’re good at, that’s where you fit in. You don’t belong here anymore.”

I can’t tell Luci that I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t want her sympathy, her attention. She’s clearly going to make up with Addie and I know she needs that. I have to step aside to let that happen. I don’t want Addie to end up alone. I have people. I have my mom; I have the boys from the band who care about me…

I stalk off, my phone vibrating in my pocket as I go. It’s ringing again now, just like it has been for a while, and I don’t need to look at it to know who it is. It’s Billy. He is desperate for me to come back and so are the rest of the boys from the band. Their future hangs in the balance with me, and I’ve made them wait too long.

“Hello?” I snap into the receiver. “Billy?”

“Jace, I have been trying to get hold of you for ages. I’ve been so worried about you.”

I sigh and grip my forehead, willing the headache that has appeared as if from nowhere away. “Yeah, sorry about that, it’s just been… really tough. I’ve been busy keeping on top of things.”

“Things are okay with your mother? It must be bad…”

“She’s okay.” I need to cut that lie down now. It makes me feel awful. Especially when Billy is being kind.

“Oh good. I didn’t like the idea of her being sick. Thankfully, she’s a very strong woman.”

“Hmm.” I don’t know what to say to that, so I decide on nothing.

“We would like to come and see you. The boys and me. Not for any reason, we don’t want you to come back to work before you’re ready. We know how dedicated you are to the band; we just want to check in on you. See if there is anything we can do to help you and your mom.”

Fuck, that really gets to me. There isn’t any reason the boys need to come here. That’s a kind offer. It reminds me of all the good times, of all the ways I really have always fit in with the band more than anyone else. I think I owe it to them to at least go back for a while to work out what I want. I thought that coming here would help me to clear my mind, but it hasn’t. Perhaps I should be back with the people who actually know me.

“Don’t worry, I’m coming back to you. I’m coming back to LA. My mom doesn’t need me anymore.”

“Oh right.” The relief in his tone is evident. “Okay well that’s great. Will you send me your flight details so I can send someone to pick you up from the airport?”

I almost tell him not to bother, that I don’t want the fuss, but I change my mind at the last moment and agree. Billy likes to know that we’re all looked after, that helps him to relax, and also, it’ll be nice to be taken care of once more.

“Sure, sounds good, Billy. I’ll let you know. I’ll be on the earliest flight I can book.”

The sooner I can get out of here the better. I am done with home. I just hope Mom understands. She won’t be happy, I know that she doesn’t think this is the right move for me, but I’ll make it work somehow.

25

ADDISON

T ick, tick, tick.

My clock is so loud, the sound absolutely fills the room, which probably isn’t helped by the fact that I just keep staring at it, watching the second hand slowly move around the clock face. It probably isn’t the healthiest thing to just watch time pass me by but I don’t know what else I can do. It’s like my body has gone in to shut down mode and I don’t even know how to move anymore. I can’t remember the last time I got off this couch.

I have even been off work sick for a week and a half, which isn’t like me at all. I’m always in the office, even when I am sick. They probably all think that I have had a breakdown or something. That the stress has finally got to me and I can’t cope with life anymore. Maybe that is what happened, who the hell knows. It feels a bit like a breakdown. My brain isn’t working in the way that it should, nor is my body. I haven’t ever had a breakdown before, perhaps that’s what this is. It probably should worry me, but I’m too weary to do so.

Tick, tick, tick.

Jace left me, he went back to LA, just like I knew he would. He’s back with the band, where he belongs, where I knew he needed to be, where he could not resent me because I made him change his life. He’s singing, leading his musical dreams, without thinking of me. This all worked out exactly as I knew it should.

Tick, tick, tick.

Yet, I can’t help but feel like this is all my fault. I pushed him away just like he accused me of doing, and now he’s run. He left like I did, without an explanation, without saying goodbye, he abandoned me. I’m starting to see the damage that my actions had on him all those years ago. I was so, so wrong.

Tick, tick, tick.

Now, I can’t move. I’ve sunk so low into a pit and I can’t climb out of it. I dug the pit myself, I created this mess, and now I’m frozen in place. My life will never ever be able to just be happy, will it? Every time I get even a chance of it, I sabotage it. I cannot believe what I have done. Sometimes it seems right what I’ve done, other times not so much. I dart back and forth, never quite deciding how I should feel.

“Turn away,” I tell myself in a gravelly voice. I don’t think I’ve spoken for days now. “Turn away from the clock. Move just that tiny bit then all the other steps that follow won’t feel so hard.”