Broken

a joke. “You mean apart from looking after two adorable babies that is.”

“Oh yeah, there is that.” She pats me playfully on the arm and she raises her eyebrows. “Good luck with that by the way.”

“Thanks... I think I’m going to need it.”

I’m scared, but happy too. The happiest I’ve ever been. It isn’t a traditional family, like my parents would like for me, but it’s mine, and I feel so very lucky. It might not be the way anyone else has it, but I really do have it all. Finally, I have it made.

Chapter Twenty Seven – Ben

Everything in the house feels wrong. I’ve tried to baby proof it as much as possible, even though everyone has told me that it’s much too soon, but it still doesn’t feel like enough. I have the cribs, the prams, the endless supplies of diapers and baby clothes littering almost every surface, but it feels too much like a bachelor pad than anything else.

“Shit, what do I need to do?” I scan my eyes everywhere, looking for whatever I’m missing, but I just can’t find it right away. My brain isn’t quite switched on yet. “What am I missing?”

Maybe I should have gone with Mom to the hospital to pick Serena, Brandon, and Rose up, but I wanted to get everything right and now I’m absolutely agonising over every tiny detail. I just want it to be perfect, I just want them all to have a happy home to come back to. I want them to have a home suitable for the babies, and for Serena. Unfortunately I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know the first thing about babies.

“Honey, we’re here!” Mom yells through the door. “Are you alright?”

“Erm, yeah, I think so.” I race into the hallway quickly and still in a state of panic. “Hold on, let me come and help you with all the stuff.”

Behind Mom stands a vision of beauty. Serena, with her long dark hair falling down her back, with her sparkling eyes glinting, and my baby boy in her arms. A bright smile spreads across my face, I can feel my heart hammering against my rib cage, my breaths ragged, my stomach soaring with happiness.

I grab a load of bags and bring them all into the living room. Once there, Mom rests Rose in a Moses basket I have in the front room for nap time and Serena does the same with Brandon. I’m sure these moments of them both being asleep will be far and few between so I’m going to just enjoy this one.

“The car gets them to sleep,” Serena tells me with a smirk. “That might be something we need to remember for when things get desperate.”

“I’m going to get the kettle on. I think we all need a hot drink, am I right?” Mom moves into the kitchen tactfully, allowing me to enjoy this moment even more.

I move closer to Serena and I wrap my arms around her. As she falls into my embrace I feel ecstatic, like I could explode. This is the best sensation in the world, and although I’m acutely aware of all the horrors that happened during the months we missed, they melt away as her body moulds into mine. It seems that after everything, we really can start again.

I put a finger under her chin and I tilt her head up to look at me. I delve headfirst into her gaze and swim around in all the emotions. Then I take that one step forward and I move my lips into hers with anticipation filling my veins. This will be the very first time that I’ve kissed her ever since things fell apart and I cannot wait for that moment. The chemistry is still there, thick and strong between us, I know that things will be good between us again and I cannot wait for that to get started.

But just as our lips merely brush against one another, Rose breaks out into the loudest, most horrific scream that I’ve heard from her yet.

“I suppose we should get used to that,” Serena chuckles against my lips. “I guess it’s going to be a really long time before we have any time alone together.”

“I will always be here,” Mom says as she comes back into the room with our drinks. “If you need a break. I will love to take these two little mites of your hands.”

“That’s kind of you, Mom. Thank you.”

I reach into the basket and I grab Rose out, then I hold her to my chest. Soon, she settles against me and she calms right down. It seems that she just needs to be held. As I clutch her to me, I realise that I am going to like being a father so much more than I thought I would. This means everything to me, and it’s only going to get better from here...

***

“Oh my God,” I moan loudly as I wake up for the fifth time in what feels like two hours. “I am so damn tired. How is possible to function on so little sleep?”

“It’s definitely your turn though,” Serena grumbles sleepily back without even opening her eyes. She’s much too tired to even move. “I definitely got up the last time.”

I really don’t think she did, but I’m not going to argue that point. After all, she carried these babies around for nine months without any help from me, I owe her this much. I push my weary ass into a standing position and move over to the cribs. This time it’s Brandon weeping, but I can see Rose stirring too, so I scoop the pair of them up in one arm each in the way I quickly realised I can do, and I take them down the stairs. Serena has some bottles of her milk made up for night time feeds, so I can help up too.

“Right, my little babies,” I say softly as I lay them in the baskets that sit side by side. “Let me just get you some milk, then we’ll get started.”

They whimper and whine as I move into the kitchen, but since we have two we can’t hold them all the time. I grab some bottles quickly and then lean over my little darlings as I feed them.

“You know, I haven’t always been the best,” I confess, the sleep deprivation is making me much too honest. “I haven’t always been good to your Mom, or the two of you, but that’s something that I want to change. I want to be better for you. I don’t ever want to let you down, I don’t ever want to do to you what my dad did to me. I don’t want to leave you.” I flick my eyes between them both, committing their faces to memories all over again. “You both deserve the world, and I really hope I can be the one to give that to you. It’s only been a few weeks now, you’re what, nine weeks old? I’ve been doing my best during that time, and that’s something I want to continue.” I pause for a moment, thinking about Serena and how well she’s taken to being a mother. “Your Mom is the good one, she’s really great with you guys. She just has this natural instinct that means she knows exactly what to do without even trying... I envy her a lot. I wish I could be that good. She just doesn’t even worry. I do all the worrying, she just get things done. She’s fantastic. I’m lucky to have her. We all are, you know? I don’t know what any of us would do without her...”

Oh God, I must be rambling so much that I’m boring the babies. They’ve both gone back to sleep. I place the bottles on the floor and try to steel myself ready to stand. I need to get up, I need to get the babies back in my arms carefully so I don’t wake them again, and I need to get them back in their cribs.

That’s what I need to do, but I just haven’t got the energy, or the heart. They both look just fine where they are. I settle myself into the couch where I intend to wait for just a little bit longer. Just until I can work up the energy. My body has already moulded into the soft cushions, I can already feel the weariness coming for me, claiming me, begging me to rest.