Broken

Once Seth was set up, I pulled my coat around me and shivered. It was really cold outside and I could feel the weather turning. We wouldn’t stay out here too long but I couldn’t deprive Seth of what he loved to do. Soon, this area would be covered in snow just like I used to love. Living in NYC definitely gave its fair share of white Christmases. I used to look forward to the glittering white frost but now, I just prayed the holiday would come and go as quickly as possible. I was ready for a new year, a time when I could take a deep breath and revamp our entire life. I knew that passing days on the calendar didn’t heal your heart but there was something refreshing about flipping over to the first day of a new year and hoping for the best. I already knew next year couldn’t be much worse than this one.

I looked up at the tall building and the terrace that ran around the penthouse at the top. That was where Dex lived, where he spent the majority of his childhood, and where he was probably sitting right now. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing on the top floor of that shiny building. Was he thinking of us? Did he ever think of us? Or, was he working away, building a larger empire, having drinks with his boys, and forgetting all about the little family he left behind? Part of me wanted to know the answers to those questions but the other part of me was just as happy to never find out.

I watched as Seth sketched away like some of the artists in the Art District. I always loved watching the amazingly talented people put the workings of their mind down on a canvass in the middle of the busy New York metropolis. I wished I was as creative as my son or at least that I had the same positive and loving imagination of a child. Instead, my imagination took me to thoughts of Dex and tortured me with visions of a future that would never actually be. I sighed and sat down next to my little boy, rubbing his back and sucking in a deep breath of the cold city air. It was actually a really beautiful winter day and I tried hard to let that sink in, to just enjoy this moment with Seth.

I smiled at the sound of my son laughing as he pressed the crayon to the paper. I opened my eyes and turned to look at his developing masterpiece, catching someone coming from the doors of the building from the corner of my eye. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. This was a busy place with businesses, residents, and people rushing along the sidewalks. However, as I glanced back up, I realized this was someone working at the Commons. He was dressed in an all-black suit, white button up, black tie, and carried a walkie talkie on his belt. He had an earpiece pressed against his ear and was talking to someone on the other end while staring right at us. As soon as our eyes met and he took one hurried step forward, I grabbed Seth and wrapped his paper up tight, pushing everything into his book bag.

I turned my back to the man and ignored his pleas for me to wait. Seth looked frightened so I took a deep breath and told him I was going to take him somewhere else, that it was too busy here. He sighed but wrapped his arms around my neck as I hurried across the courtyard toward the cab waiting on the corner. I jumped in and told the cab driver to just go before giving him a destination. I looked up to see the security guard jogging across toward us. I leaned back as he slowed down, throwing his hands up in the air and talking into his radio. I set Seth in the seat next to me and tried to hide my anxiety. I pointed out all the buildings as we passed, deciding home was probably the best destination now. I turned and looked out the window as the big shiny Canton Commons grew smaller in the distance. Soon, all I could s

ee was the very top of the building. I leaned back, relieved and breathing heavily with my hand pressed against my chest.

I didn’t know what that man wanted but I was sure he scared me half to death. I knew I shouldn’t have stopped in front of Dex’s building. I had no idea where his head right now. I didn’t know if he was thinking about coming back, ignoring us completely, or worse, trying to take me to court to get custody of Seth. The thought of facing a court battle with Dex and his barrage of corporate lawyers terrified the hell out of me. I lived in an apartment in Brooklyn with my mother and he owned a multi-billion-dollar company. He had all the money in the world to take me to court every single day until Seth was eighteen and I could barely even think about hiring an attorney. What would I do if I was faced with that kind of life changing event? I couldn’t compete with Dex’s lawyers, they were loaded and could take this as far as they wanted. Dex had everything I didn’t.

When we pulled up in front of the apartment, I was paranoid as I looked around me to make sure I didn’t see any suspicious men in suits. We were alone but that didn’t calm my fears. Dex knew exactly where I lived and he could send a lawyer here at any point. Sure, my apartment was nice and homie for the three of us but it was no Canton Commons and I couldn’t give Seth the best of everything like Dex could. I was terrified that a judge would think money was more important than a mother’s love. I looked up at the door as we climbed the stairs, wondering if I should think about moving somewhere else. The biggest problem would be that my mother would never agree to move and she was the person who took care of Seth when I worked. There was no way I could afford childcare and an apartment in this city by myself. I wanted to give Seth the best life I could muster.

After we got inside, I plopped down on the couch while Seth ran off to finish his new drawing at the desk I got him for his room. It wasn’t much but it gave him something other the dining room table to draw on. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall, replaying the vision of the man running after us across the courtyard. Was it possible that Dex knew we were there? Or was it just a coincidence? Did the security guard just want to make sure we weren’t doing anything wrong out there on the marble fountain in the Canton Commons Courtyard?

Either way, I could feel sadness overflowing in my chest. Not only was I terrified to lose my son but I was now faced with the idea that I might have to fight the man I loved for custody of our child. I couldn’t figure out how everything got to this point. How did I let things get this far?

Chapter 17: Dex

Maybe I was wrong, maybe I shouldn’t have just dropped by Casey’s house. I stood outside of the walk up, looking up at the twinkling lights from the Christmas tree inside. I knew there were cars passing, horns honking, and the normal sounds of the city going on around me but I couldn’t hear anything. My heart was beating so hard in my chest that it filled my ears and took over my ability to think straight. Casey and Seth were right inside those doors, going on with their normal lives and trying to move past everything that happened. But I knew I would never have a restful soul if I didn’t come here to confess my feelings to the mother of my child. She held this secret in for a very long time and it was my turn to step forward and take responsibility. Besides, I wanted to see the boy that I now knew to be my son. I wanted to get to know him, to see him smile, to hear his laugh.

I turned toward the driver who had popped open the trunk and was grabbing wrapped boxes from the inside. I knew it was going to be quite a shock to find me on the doorstep so I figured I better not come empty-handed. Instead, I stopped by the toy store and bought everything I thought Seth would like. I didn’t know the kid very well but he seemed to be a lot like me, so I picked out anything I knew I would have wanted at his age. It took a while for them to wrap everything but we got it done and packed into the limo. I leaned in and pulled the biggest of the boxes out, grunting at how heavy it was. We moved up both stairways and stood in front of Casey’s door. At first, I couldn’t bring myself to lift my hand and knock. This interaction wasn’t going to be simple or pleasant. There was no way Casey was going to welcome me with open arms.

I balanced the box on my knee and knocked quickly on the door, my heart beginning to beat even faster. What would I do if she didn’t answer? What would I do if she refused to allow me inside? I left that night without saying a word, except for the horrible ones I threw at Casey. I should have come back in and apologized but there was so much going on that my head was filled with fog. I could hear footsteps inside so I knew someone was home. I leaned to the left, hoping she wouldn’t see me through the peephole. I didn’t want her to see it was me and decide against opening the door.

“When she comes to the door she will want to talk to me,” I said to my driver. “Just go ahead and bring everything in and set it in the living room.”

“Yes, sir,” he replied, struggling with the gifts he was holding.

Slowly the doorknob began to turn and I took in a deep breath. Ready or not I was going to have to face this head-on without letting my anger spill out again. I needed to keep a level head, understanding that Casey had been through so much, regardless of whether I thought it was wrong to keep Seth from me. She carried the intense pressure of raising a child without his father. The door swung open and I stared at Casey who looked at me with an expressionless face. I stepped inside and set the large box down before turning to face her.

“What are you doing here?” she said with a bit of anger in her voice.

“I came to spoil my son,” I said triumphantly, quickly realizing that was not the right answer.

Casey stepped forward and grabbed my arm, pulling me down the hall and into her bedroom. I stepped forward and looked around. It was simple but elegant, just like Casey. I could hear her breathing heavily behind me as she closed the door and turned around. She was more than fuming and I could understand why. She was ready for a fight but I didn’t want to let it get to that point.

“Casey,” I said calmly, putting up my hands. “If you could just hear me out.”

“Hear you out?” She exploded. “You think after how you acted, after what you said, after you just disappeared again, that I should take two seconds to hear you out? You complained that I was basing my decision of not telling you about Seth on the fact that you just get up and leave. You said that it wasn’t fair to judge you on your actions before you knew you had a son. And what did you do? You ran off and jumped on your plane. That little boy does not need a part-time man in his life, he is perfectly fine with a full-time mother.”

“I’m not here to be a part-time dad.” I pleaded.

“And your little antics when we were at your building the other day.” She scoffed. “That was really rich, having a security guard chase us down in the courtyard. If Seth had noticed he would have been scared to death.”

“A security guard? No, Casey, you have it all wrong,” I said, shaking my head. “The fountain is under construction. He was probably trying to make sure you were safe.”

“I’m supposed to believe that?” She was crying and there was nothing I could do to calm her. “If you think you can come bulldozing in here with your money and your lawyers and try to take my son, you have another thing coming. I will fight with everything I have to keep Seth here with me. You are not going to bully me into a custody battle. I am not some pawn in your game and neither is Seth. He isn’t a shiny new toy that you can just come in and take because you have money and power. I don’t care how many lawyers you throw at me, I will make sure that my son is protected every single step of the way.”

“I’m not trying to take Seth, Casey,” I said weakly. “I swear, I have no intentions of taking you to court or anything like that.”

I watched her face as her shoulders relaxed slightly. I hadn’t even thought of the fact that she would be afraid I was going to try to take Seth from her. Seth loved his mother and his grandmother, I would never try to disrupt his life that way. I could understand Casey’s fear though, espe

cially since Seth was her entire life and had been since the day he was born. I had no idea how she felt and I was trying to be as empathetic as possible. I didn’t want to fight with her, verbally or legally, and I needed her to calm down so I could explain that. She was scanning my face to see if I was telling the truth. My eyes saddened at how far we’d fallen, how little she trusted my word. Casey was an amazing woman and now she was standing in front of me, afraid that I was some kind of monster who came here to take her child. I was more worried that she would never forgive me than I was about devising a plan to steal Seth right out from under her. I shook my head and stepped closer to Casey, reaching down and grabbing her hands.

“I’m not here to fight and I am not going to take you to court,” I said calmly. “I just want to get to know him and try to make up for the time I lost.”