Broken

She looked up at me with tears still streaming from her eyes. Her hands shaking. I pulled her over to the bed and sat her down, sitting down gently beside her. I turned toward her and forced her eyes to connect with mine. If we were going to get anywhere, I needed to be one hundred percent truthful and open with her.

“Look,” I said calmly. “I’m sorry that I left the way I did. I had just been hit with some of the heaviest news I’ve gotten since my father and mother were killed. It took me by surprise and I lashed out. By the time I said all those horrible things, my head was reeling. I know you have done this on your own this whole time, but I just needed to breathe and calm down. I wanted to think about everything logically, make good decisions, and know that I could offer Seth something exceptional.”

The look on her face was fear and hurt but she had calmed down enough to hear the words I was saying. Her desperate attempt to protect Seth at any cost showed me just how amazing of a mother and a woman she really was. Her love for that boy knew no limits and she was willing to stand up to an entire empire to protect him and his home. I realized at that moment that I really admired the person she was and that her exceptional mothering ability was the root of all my fears about being a father. Part of me didn’t want to tell her about my fears but the other part of me knew I needed to let it out. Who better to tell than the woman who knew the awesome power of being a parent?

“I never thought I would be a father,” I said slowly. “At least not for a long time. I thought I would be able to control it like everything else in my life. When I found out about Seth, fear completely took me over. My father was an amazing dad and I have no idea how to be the same. I hemmed and hawed over it for days and not because I didn’t want to be, but because I wanted to make sure I could be the man Seth deserves in his life. I don’t want to be the on again off again father that you are so terrified I will become. Of course, I still have to run my business but that doesn’t mean I can’t change my life to put my son first like my dad did for me and Natalie. In the end, as I stood out on the balcony of my hotel in Caracaras, I knew what my decision was. I want to be part of Seth’s life, a real part of it. If you will let me.”

With those words, I took a deep breath and leaned away from Casey. I could see her mulling my words over in her head as she wrapped her arms around her waist. I knew she was scared. I was absolutely terrified myself but I also knew I couldn’t live the rest of my life knowing I had a son out there somewhere. I knew I could provide for Seth in a way that would make all his dreams come true. I knew that, regardless of her fears, Casey wanted that for him too. She was working so hard to give him the best life possible, I knew she would be able to breathe a little easier knowing there was someone else around to help. Those few minutes sitting on Casey’s bed were the longest of my life. I stared at her, waiting for her decision, knowing whichever way she went, it would change my life forever.

Chapter 18: Casey

Finding Dex standing outside my door was not how I expected to shape the events of my day. Immediately, I was livid that he just showed up, carrying presents, and thinking he could march right into Seth’s life without even a conversation with me first. This was not how everything was going to go down. I was not going to allow him to march in and throw our lives into an upheaval, all while wondering what other secret agenda he had. However, after listening to his words, seeing his pained face, and really understanding what he went through, I felt like it was my duty as Seth’s mother to at least consider his request. He wanted to be part of his son’s life and if he was telling the truth about custody and working his life around his son, then I could see giving him a chance. But with his past, I was absolutely terrified that it was all just words. I was terrified that he would find out it was too hard and go back to his privileged life in the city, leaving me to clean up Seth’s broken heart. The idea of Dex hurting my son the way he’d hurt me was heart-wrenching. It was almost enough to make me refuse Dex and send him away for good.

I wasn’t going to lie, there was part of me that was trying to protect my own heart just as much as Seth’s. I fell in love with this man and I knew he had feelings for me too, at least I used to believe so. Would him being in Seth’s life bring him back into mine as well? Did I even want him back in mine? Knowing how easily I melted for this man, it was hard to believe that I could stand by and spend so much time parenting our child together without falling into that trap again. I couldn’t spend the next twenty years as his side project, as the woman he slummed it with after leaving the high life, the woman who had to deal when he found a rich, beautiful woman from his own world. No, I couldn’t do that and just thinking about it made my stomach turn. I couldn’t allow that to happen but at the same time, I couldn’t use that as a deciding factor in whether I allowed him to be an active participant in Seth’s life.

My mind was reeling and I couldn’t slow it down. He was asking me to make the biggest choice of Seth’s life right then and there in my bedroom. I didn’t know if I even had the strength to say yes. If I did, and if he failed again, Seth’s broken heart would fall on my shoulders because I told Dex the truth. What if I said yes and he abandoned us again? I had never seen Seth be faced with anything of that magnitude and I didn’t know if he could handle that. The fact was, he shouldn’t have to handle that but that was the life that was handed to him. If Dex left again, I knew there was no way I would be able to handle it. I knew I would end up packing our bags and moving to somewhere far away like Wyoming or something, just so Dex couldn’t ever just show up at our house again. The constant roller-coaster of emotion was making me sick and even right then, sitting still in my emotions, I felt like I was going to puke. I was pained in ways I could have never imagined I would be. I was trying to protect my little boy and myself at the same time. I looked at Dex who was sitting quietly, panic spread across his face as he wondered what I was thinking. Part of me wanted to tell him that he had left me with that same feeling every time he walked away but I didn’t want to fight anymore.

“I can see the pain on your face.” He sighed. “I understand that you are really wary about this. I understand you are trying to protect your little boy but please, Casey, please let me be a part of his life. I cannot live the rest of my life knowing I have a piece of me growing and learning without me there to watch and help.”

I opened my mouth, ready to say something hurtful but I quickly shut it again. I realized my hurtful thoughts weren’t coming from my need to protect Seth, they were coming from my own broken heart. I rubbed my hands against my thighs, drying the tears and sweat that lingered on my palms. I looked up at the door as the handle turned, quickly wiping my face and staring down at my little boy as he let himself in. He smiled big at Dex as he entered and ran over to me, throwing his body onto my legs.

“Mommy,” he whispered. “What are all those presents for?”

“Oh,” I said, laughing and crying at the same time. “Those are from Dex. He brought them for you for Christmas.”

“Oh.” He sighed, obviously disappointed that he had to wait.

“How about we do this,” I said calmly, leaning down and kissing him on the cheek. “You and Dex go out in the living room and pick one present. You can open it right now but then the rest have to wait until Christmas.”

“Okay!” he exclaimed, grabbing Dex’s hand and pulling him toward the door. Dex looked back at me and mouthed the words, thank you, before disappearing around the corner. I hadn’t made up my mind yet but I wasn’t going to deprive Seth of all the gifts Dex had brought him. In fact, I was curious to see what he bought him. Had he sent someone to pick out the hottest new gifts to impress Seth or had he actually thought about the gifts before bringing them over?

“That one,” I heard Seth yell out loud.

“Okay,” Dex said, laughing. “Let’s pull it over here and then we’ll wait for your mom.”

I could hear Seth grunting as he helped pull whatever it was into the middle of the floor. I took a deep breath and wiped the rest of the tears from my face. I stood and walked out of the bedroom toward the living room where I saw Seth standing triumphantly next to the biggest box in the group. Of course, he would pick out the biggest one, he was four. The box itself was larger than Seth and it was wrapped in a beautiful metallic paper wi

th a paisley print and large green bow. I leaned against the doorway and watched Dex pull the bow off and set it on top of Seth’s head. Seth laughed and giggled at his new velvet hat before reaching over and pulling the paper down.

The sound of ripping wrappings made me smile, thinking about Christmas morning when Seth wanders out in his new pajamas with crazy hair and sleepy eyes. I watched Dex help him pull the big pieces of paper off. They danced around the box like two crazy elves. Dex opened the top of the box and pulled the gift out, setting it on the floor. It was a drafting desk, obviously specially made, and came with a small chair and everything. It was absolutely gorgeous with its dark stain and exact likeness to one you would find in some luxury architect’s office. Seth pulled the chair up to it and sat down, putting his hands out in front of him and smiling.

“It’s for you to have a place to draw your buildings,” Dex explained, kneeling beside Seth. “And look, the table rises up on this end to make it easier for you.”

Dex took Seth’s hand and picked up the desk, walking it back to his room. My eyes filled with tears, understanding just how thoughtful of a gift this was. It wasn’t just something he had some secretary pick out, it was something he really put thought into. Seth loved to draw his buildings and that was something Dex made sure to remember. To say I was moved by the gesture was an understatement and I stood in the hallway shocked as Dex put the desk in Seth’s room and helped him pull out his paper and crayons. I was at a loss for words as Dex reappeared, smiling and shaking his head.

“He really loves it,” he said, pointing back to Seth’s room. “He’s already drawing.”

I stood motionless, watching as Dex went back over and picked up all the wrapping paper and tossed it into the empty box. He carried the box over to the door and set it down so he could take it to the dumpster on his way out. I walked forward and started moving the giant pile of gifts out of the middle of the floor. Mom and I wouldn’t be able to get all the stuff we bought for Christmas under the tree, which was a first for any Christmas we had in this family. Dex began helping me place the gifts under the tree, waving at my mom who had stayed to the side and watched with a smile on her face. When we were done, he turned to me and took my hand.

“Will you come over to my place so we can talk?”

I took a deep breath, feeling less emotional and nodded my head yes. We needed to talk, really talk, without all the emotion and anxiety that had been floating around this house. I made sure it was okay with my mom and told Seth I would be back in a little while. He was so enthralled by his new desk that he barely even noticed I was talking to him. He shook his head and scrunched his nose as I kissed him goodbye.

The ride to his penthouse was silent. I watched the twinkling Christmas lights that decorated the city pass by my window. Once we were there, I walked out of the elevator into the big open space and stood in the living room, holding my jacket and looking out at the New York City skyline. It was so beautiful and so peaceful. I absolutely loved being on the top floor of his place. I felt Dex walk up behind me and I turned to face him. He smiled and took in a deep breath.

“Casey,” he said quietly and deeply. “I know that the last five years have been hard on you. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there to help you, support you, and be a part of raising Seth. I wish I had known sooner so that you wouldn’t have been alone. It’s not your fault, it's mine. I never showed any sign that you could trust me to be part of this.”

He reached up and gently brushed a rolling tear from my cheek. I blushed and looked up at him with wide eyes. Slowly, he leaned forward and kissed my lips softly, resting his hand on my shoulder. I leaned forward, feeling the familiarity of his kiss and exhaling deeply at the finality of the moment. He pulled me in tightly to him, his tongue parting my lips and his heaviness reaching into my body. I dropped my coat on the floor and wrapped my arms around his neck, missing his taste and his scent. He reached down and picked me up, cradling me in his arms and walking back toward his bedroom.