Now, if that isn’t something to work towards, then I don’t know what is. The idea of being a real family with a calm and happy future is everything to me. I want that more than I ever thought I would.
“Oh, God, Cici, you are truly so amazing.” I lean down to kiss her on the forehead. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m so grateful to you for giving me another chance. I really don’t want to mess it up.”
I clutch onto her, internally vowing that I’ll do everything that I can. I’m really going to be the person she deserves. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’ll do what I can.
Chapter Nineteen – Cici
“I’ll see you both later,” Will says with a big smile as he leans down to kiss me and Jordan goodbye. “I’ll try my hardest not to be too late tonight, but if I’m going to be then I will contact you and let you know.”
Don’t go! I want to scream. Please stay here and be with me all day. But I can’t. I can’t say any of that because this is something he needs to do. I don’t like it much, every time he walks out that door I worry that he won’t come back, but what can I do? He explained to me why he needs to do this and I have to understand.
“Okay,” I rasp back. “Please be careful, and keep me updated if you can. Have a… good day.”
Watching that door close behind him makes my insides sink. Things are much better between me and Will. Ever since Jordan’s been here I haven’t felt quite so shut out by him which is great, but the arrangement isn’t perfect. I still want things to change, but until this Kingpin character is out of the way, we’ll remain in this limbo.
“Right, sweetheart…” The most important thing is that Jordan doesn’t pick up on my sadness when his father goes. My baby might not even quite be a month old yet, but he seems very in tune to my emotions. If I’m sad, he’ll cry all day long, and I really don’t want that today. “Let’s change your diaper. Then We’re going out.”
I haven’t told Will yet, I don’t intend to let him know until tonight, but I’m meeting with my mom today. She knows I have a baby, and although she’s disappointed that the father is a man that I ‘had a short fling with’ she wants to meet her grandson. I’ve put her off for a while, but now I want to see her. I want her to get to know Jordan. I’ve told her not to ask too many questions because I don’t know how I’ll cope under pressure, so I’m hoping that it all ends up okay. I need some adult conversation anyway. I get some from Will but I need more.
“We’re going to meet your grandma today,” I tell Will while I whip his dirty diaper off. “That’s a bit mad, isn’t it? One day, you’ll meet the rest of your extended family as well, but not quite yet.”
Shit, I can feel myself getting emotional again. I suck in a couple of breaths and attempt to calm down. This is crazy. I probably wouldn’t have introduced my baby to everyone else quite yet anyway, it’s just having the added pressure that I can’t weighing down on me. It feels really hard to do. Still, I made my bed. I accepted that this would be the case the moment I accepted to move back in with Will. I just need to see it through.
“What shall we wear today?” I muse while I look through Jordan’s clothes. “Maybe this little green outfit. You want to look nice when you see Grandma, don’t you? I want her to think that I can cope anyway.”
I let out a little strangled laugh, but actually that’s my biggest fear. It’s already pretty crazy that I’ve had a baby without letting anyone know, I know my mom is confused by that, I don’t want to add to her worries that I can’t do it either. Parenting is hard, I don’t even think the most prepared mother can know what it’s going to be like, but I think I’m doing alright. Jordan is happy and healthy, at this age what more can you ask for?
Once he’s dressed, I lie Jordan down in his Moses basket and I try to set up the pushchair. It’s a big massive thing that’s almost too heavy for me to handle, something that Will chose because it can carry lots of stuff and is apparently very practical with all sorts of ‘useful’ features which I can barely remember what they do, but today I need it. Maybe if I was a little more honest, he could have done it for me, but I’ve kept it to myself because I want to see how it goes before I confess all. It might be horrible, and I won’t ever have to talk about it again.
I huff and puff, sweat pours down my face, and I say enough curse words to be glad that Jordan isn’t talking yet, but eventually I get the pushchair up. Luckily, it just about fits in the elevator or I wouldn’t be able to go out at all! When it’s done, I give a little proud nod, and I grab Jordan to put him in. Finally, we’re ready to go.
“Right, Jordan,” I lean down and speak to him. “I need you to be on your best behavior today, I need my mom to think that I’m wonderful and in control. But… if she starts doing my head in I’ll give you a sign and you can scream so loudly that we don’t have any choice but to leave. Sound good?” He gives me a little gurgle back. “I’ll take that as a yes then, son. Sounds good, I’m glad that we’re on the same page. Let’s get going, baby.”
I struggle out the door and into the elevator, feelings redder and more stressed than I want to, but I don’t have much choice about that. It’s a bit of a walk anyway, so hopefully I’ll have cooled down by then.
I cannot believe with everything going on, this is what I’m most worried about. But Kingpin doesn’t know me, he doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t even know my face. My mom, when she freaks out, can be a nightmare. I’ve had her yelling at me before and it isn’t something that I want to repeat. I need to just get through this.
***
I push the door to the café open, enjoying the warmth of the inside air as it hits me. I’ve done what I can to calm myself down on the walk over, and now I feel ready. Much more prepared to do this. As I see my mom sitting at a table, I wave to her with a genuine smile on my face. I’m going to be fine, I’m sure of it.
But then my Auntie Mary slides into the chair next to her and my heart jumps into my throat. I’m not supposed to be telling anyone else, Jordan is supposed to be a secret. Just for now. But then I’m sure Mom has already told her anyway, and I can’t exactly run away now without arising suspicion. It wouldn’t change anything anyway. Auntie Mary has seen, so I might as well get the hell on with it. It’s fine, this changes nothing.
“Hi,” I say raspily as I take my seat. “How are you both?”
“How are we?” Auntie Mary exclaims loudly. “How are you? I’ve hardly seen you since the wedding which was, what, over a year ago? Yes, it must have been, Landon and Annabelle have just celebrated their anniversary, and when I see you again you turn up with a baby than none of us knew you were having. What’s going on?”
As Mom not so discretely tells Mary to stop it, my mind reels. So much has happened that I almost forgot about the wedding. It’s amazing that was a year ago, I’m shocked that they’re still together too!
“It’s fine,” I finally tell Mom. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, it’s all been very… complicated.”
“With the father?” Mary leans forward. “What’s the deal with him? Where is he?”
“Mary!” Mom grabs her arm and shoots me an apologetic look. “I said I wouldn’t ask.”
“You did but I never made any such promise. Do I need to find this guy and kick his ass?”
I laugh loudly and awkwardly, not wanting to go into detail at all. “No, it’s fine. I can sort it out on my own.”