I turn, ready to run but before I manage to make that escape I hear a nasty laugh from a girl in the hallway who has seemingly overheard everything. She clutches her stomach as if it’s the funniest thing ever.
“Oh my God, what a sad case. Did you actually think that Kade would like you? What a twat!”
It’s like high school all over again. I’ve let Kade drag me back there. I don’t even bother to answer this girl, not even with a lie or an excuse, because I know that she’s right. I really have been an idiot.
“I mean, look at you,” she continues. “Do you really think you are up to his stand ands?”
I run down the stairs two at a time, needing to get outside. Tears stream down my face, I’m utterly heart broken by what’s happened. I’ve inadvertently become one of those pathetic girls who gets obsessed with the girl she’s lost her virginity
to. How tragic. This is why I was supposed to wait for someone special.
I don’t lift my eyes from the ground as I run across the campus, all I need to do is get to my room, to lock myself away from this world and to collapse and fall apart. I can already feel my heart shattering in my chest and it’s even worse than the last time because now something has happened between us, I know that we could be good if we went for it. It’s a shame, but clearly, he’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve me.
When I finally fall on the bed, the tears flood from my eyes soaking my pillow. Cindy doesn’t even need to ask what’s happened, she already knows because she saw it before it happened. She joins me on my bed and comforts me as best as she can, but there’s only so much that she can do. This is a mess that I’ve gotten myself into, and I need to get myself out of it as well. I broke my own heart really, by being so dumb.
He isn’t good enough for me, I try to tell myself even though I know it isn’t true. He’s not the one. One day, I’ll find real love and all of this will be in the past. I won’t even remember it.
But right now, the pain is so real, so raw that I can hardly stand it. It’s physical as well as emotional, I can actually feel the ache. It’s too damn much. I know I’m not good enough, that bitchy girl was right, why would he like me if he could have every single girl in college? I’m nothing. Unfortunately, he is everything. He’s always been everything to me. I guess that’s the hardest thing of all. Now, I need to get past the romance that I’ve been building up in my life forever. I have to let go of the idea that we’re going to end up together, it won’t ever happen.
13
Kade
I’m out of my depth, I think desperately to myself as I scan my eyes over the books. I can’t do this, it’s hopeless, I’ve left it too late. I don’t want to give up, but I really should have done.
Mr. Turner has done his best for me, I can’t fault him at all. He’s given up too much of his time for me to help me out and now I’m about to let him down. Doing some last minute cramming is only making me feel worse, it’s showing me just how little I know. I should have been to every single class, I would still be struggling right now, but at least I would know that I tried. At least I would have a better foundation to start on. Right now, I have nothing except for my dumb ass brain that won’t retain anything.
“Damn it,” I mutter under my breath as I tug on the ends of my hair. “I’m absolutely fucked.”
“What’s going on, buddy?” Hector asks me. “You’re actually doing some work which is a change.”
I try to make a laugh come out of my mouth but I can’t make it happen. Nothing is funny, this is a total and utter mess. It’s bullshit. A mess of my own making. Right now, I hate myself. I want to change everything. My dad is going to murder me, my mom will be disappointed, and I’ll lose my place in the family business. And all because I was lazy and would rather have fun. I could have done both.... why didn’t I do both? Everyone else manages to have a good time and work as well, why do I have to be so full on and different?
“Yeah, well I have an exam today that I really need to pass. It sucks because I don’t think I will.”
He pats me on the back, probably trying to reassure me somewhat. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
I glance up at the time, realizing that I’m about to be late on top of everything else. I grab my stuff up and I make towards the door. “Thanks, Hector, I hope you’re right. Wish me luck, okay?”
He calls out wishes of good luck behind me but I barely hear them. If I don’t do this today, I really am going to be kicked out, there isn’t any way around it. I’ve checked with other teachers and students too and they all say the same. It’s high risk for everyone, but especially me because I don’t have any other work to fall back on. I haven’t done any course work at all, I’m already a fucking failure.
I don’t know what’s going to happen when I leave, I have no idea how my life will be once this is done, but I’m sure as hell going to miss college. It’s been an experience. Now it might be over and Hector will be left with a single. He might love that, I don’t know. Maybe he’ll miss me just as much as I will this place. We’ve certainly spent a lot more time together recently than we have before. I haven’t been able to see anyone else, especially not my normal crowd, I’ve just been in the room, studying my damn ass off, and possibly for nothing. Urgh, that crushes me, that kills me. I’ve actually tried and I still don’t think that’s enough.
I keep my head down and walk towards the exam hall. I’ve kept my distance, I haven’t spoken to anyone, and I don’t know if I can start right now. My head isn’t in the game as it is, I don’t want to get even more distracted. I need to focus on my breathing, on the small parts that I do know, and I need to get through this.
“Hey, Kade.” I slide my eyes closed in despair when I hear Amber yelling me. She’s been worse than ever recently, really hanging around me. She was even a bitch to Lucie when she came to visit me, which is something I need to fix when I get done with this. “What ya doing? I haven’t seen you out for ages.”
“I’m busy at the moment,” I shoot back without stopping. “I’ll see you later on.”
I can’t stand her, she’s a fucking nightmare. She’s really shown her true colors recently. I did have a go at her about what she said to Lucie, but it wasn’t enough. I don’t want to be anywhere near her again.
Luckily, I get inside quickly and I slam the door behind me. All I have to face now is my exam… which maybe isn’t any better… maybe I should have stayed out there with Amber… but it’s too late now. All I can do is take my seat, grab a pen, and try and get through this. I need to try, I have to give it my all, and just seriously hope that I don’t fail. Well, at this rate I just need to get myself through it!
I glance around, seeing many other nervous faces around me, but they don’t have the same reason as me to feel scared. They’ve all tried, I’ve seen them doing well in Mr. Turner’s classes. I’m sure every single one of them will succeed. Right now, I would much rather be in one of their seats.
“Right, everyone,” Mr. Turner says in a grave tone at the front of the hall. “It’s time to begin. As soon as half past comes around, I want you to turn your page over and start writing.” He nods at us all, pausing at me for a second longer than anyone else. “Good luck, everyone. You’ve worked hard for it.”
Tick, tick, time ticks past loudly. Tick, tick. My heart knocks up. Tick, tick. The time is nearly here. Tick, tick. Sweat pours down my forehead. Tick, tick. I can hardly breathe…