“Okay everyone…” Mr. Turner pauses. “And begin…”
I turn the page over and stare at the words that are swimming in front of me. I don’t know if I can read or understand any of them, but I’m going to have to try. Everything is resting on this…
* * *
I stare at the envelope in my hand, wondering when I’m going to get the courage to open it. I actually went to my college post box to pick it up today. Of course, it was full. I haven’t picked anything up ever, but there’s only one letter that I care about and it’s this one. The dreaded results. The end of my life so far.
It’s only been a week since I took the exam, not the longest time in the world, but I haven’t been able to do anything but think and panic. I know I didn’t do well, I’m sure I struggled on far too many questions. I can already see what this letter is going to say, but still I can’t face it. Still, I’m scared. I’m a mess actually. I feel sickly and sweaty, like I haven’t washed for a very long time even though I had a shower a while ago.
“Just open it,” I tell myself quietly. “Stop being a pussy. Whatever it is, I can handle it.”
I know I can’t though, my heart is hammering so violently against my rib cage it actually hurts. Panic coils itself around my intestines, giving me a stomach ache. I could throw up at any given moment. I keep grabbing onto my tummy to try and keep the sick inside. The longer I put this off, the worse I feel.
Ring, ring… ring, ring… ring, ring…
Fuck! I pull my phone out of my pocket, ready to cut off the caller, but then I see my dad’s name on the screen. He’s already pissed off at me, and that’s about to get worse. I don’t want to aggravate him further. Plus, I suppose, the longer I wait to open this letter, the longer I can live in peaceful bliss without knowing for sure either way. It doesn’t change anything, but at least I won’t have to know what’s happening.
“He…” I don’t even get my greeting out. He jumps down my throat right away.
“Fuck, Kade, what the hell have you done?” He explodes like a volcano. “You failed some exam? You’re being kicked out of college? You are losing your room now and need to come home today!”
Now that he’s ripped off the band air, I tear the envelope apart and see exactly what my father has seen. I have in fact failed, and I’m being kicked out. I’ve lost everything. The room around me spins and I fall back onto my bed in a heap of panic. This is insane. I don’t know what to even think anymore.
“Get your shit packed up and I’ll send a driver to get you in an hour or so. Now that college is done you have to get home so we can sort out what we’re going to do next. You fucking idiot.”
“I don’t think…” I try to say something, but he isn’t going to let me speak.
“This is the worst thing that you could have done. I’m thoroughly disappointed. Get packed up and get home. We can see what we’re going to do with you then. I promise you, the fun stops here.”
“But…” I feel like I’m about two feet tall. I suppose I always do when it comes to my father.
“That’s the end of the conversation, Kade. No more, just do what I have said.”
He hangs up the phone, leaving me no room to argue with him any longer. He’s cutting my time here very short which is a nightmare
, I don’t even have time to get used to this change, or say goodbye to anyone. Although I don’t know if I would even want to say goodbye to anyone because this is so humiliating. I try to imagine what everyone would think of me and it really isn’t good. I’ll be the subject of gossip for weeks without making it worse. At least if they talk about me afterwards, I won’t have to hear it.
With a tear streaming down my cheek, I do as my dad has suggested and I grab a case to start throwing my things into it. As I do, I see all the plans that I had for my life falling away. Maybe now my dad will sell the business off to someone else and it’ll leave the family completely, and it’ll be all my fault.
I’m the biggest disappointment in the whole entire world. Dad actually said that to me.
“Shit.” I drop my stuff and run from the room, straight into the bathroom to vomit. My throat is red raw and the vomit doesn’t stop coming. Everything that I’ve been trying to keep in comes flying out at a million miles an hour. I don’t know how long I’ve been keeping this in. “Shit, shit, shit.”
At that moment, for just a second, I think of Lucie again. She’s the last person I can face right now because she’ll know better than anyone how much this failure means. I think I might have already blown it because I was an accidental dick to her the other day, so I suppose this is for the best. Better that she hates me rather than knows how much of a fool that I’ve been. I wouldn’t even know how to say to her that I’m a failure as a human because she’s such a success. It’ll let her see that she’s way too good for me.
It really is over, time to move on. I’m never going to have my one shot with Lucie, and again, it’s all my own fault. If I could go back I would do it all very differently, but of course I can’t. It’s done.
14
Lucie
“Lucie, you need to come to class,” Cindy tells me softly. “It’s been two weeks, You’re going to end up getting behind. I know that you’re sad, but this is getting a bit much now. You have to get up.”
Okay, so she’s right. I’ve been tucked up in bed refusing to face the world for far too long, and I do need to start regaining myself, but it’s hard. This heart break has made me ill and I don’t know how to get over it. I want to be strong, I want to be powerful and to be able to face it, but I can’t. I’m too hurt.
“I don’t want to,” I groan painfully. “Just bring me the work to do here. I can do that.”
Cindy whips the sheets back from my head and stares down at me with sympathy in her eyes. I can see that she thinks I’m a pitiful mess, but what can I do? I’ve fallen apart along with all the other girls, over bloody Kade Roberts. Trying to change my life isn’t easy at all, not that I’ve done much other than cry.