I hung up the phone with her and took a deep breath, laying back on the cold floor and staring up at the ceiling. I laid there, not moving until Hailey showed up, walking through the bathroom door and standing over me, looking down. I groaned loudly and rubbed my face, feeling like the nausea had possibly passed. Hailey reached her hand down and helped me to my feet, leading me into the living room and sitting me down on the couch. I curled up in a ball with my head on the pillow, staring out at the snow falling outside. It was the beginning of February, easily the snowiest month of the year, and I still hadn’t been out on the slopes since I got home.
“I’m sorry you don’t feel well,” Hailey said, sitting down in the chair by the fire. “I sure hope that you aren’t pregnant.”
Hailey laughed, looking over at the fire, but her words rang out deeply in my mind. Slowly, I sat up, thinking about the period I was supposed to have three days ago. I stood up and braced myself, feeling dizzy for a moment. Hailey looked up at me and furrowed her brow, watching me hobble over into my kitchen. I ran my fingers across the cold black marble of the kitchen counters and stopped at the fridge where I kept my calendar hanging. I scanned the month before for my red dot and saw that I had kept my period for a lot less time than normal. I shook my head and counted the days until I was supposed to get the next one.
My finger stopped, lingering over the day that had long passed, and the breath went out of my chest. I had never been late on my period, not even during the most stressful times in my life. On top of that, I took the pill. At the thought of the pill, I raced over to my room and pulled my suitcase out of the closest. I unzipped the front and pulled out the little, round case that should have been empty. Slowly, I opened it and then closed my eyes, realizing that on my trip, I had completely forgotten about taking my pill. Without thought, I just went on that way, too wrapped up in my own thoughts over the last month.
I shook my head and covered my face. My head filled with visions of Cameron and me rolling around in the bed at the resort, making love without a care. He hadn’t worn a condom, and I could distinctly remember the feeling of him when he came inside of me. How could I have been so stupid and so reckless? Even when I wished for a baby with Grant, I never just forgot to take my pill. I had been extra careful with that my whole life, except for when I was in Aspen, on some quest to find my freedom.
“You’re not pregnant,” Hailey said, walking into the ro
om. “I was joking.”
“I don’t know,” I said, feeling panicky.
“Calm down,” she said. “Get dressed. We will go get a test.”
I shook my head, and with shaking hands, I put the pill case down and walked over to my dresser. I pulled out a sweatshirt and jeans and pulled them over my head. Hailey helped to get my sweatshirt situated. I looked up at Hailey as she buttoned my pants for me, and I grabbed her hands, tears filling my eyes.
“How could I have been so stupid?” I began to cry. “Thank you for being such a good friend.”
“Okay, calm down, weepy,” she said. “Don’t let those hormones get the best of you just yet. This could just be pure coincidence. You could have some kind of virus that made you miss your period.”
“I doubt it,” I said, drying my tears.
We walked to the door and out into the snow, climbing into Hailey’s SUV and heading out to the closest grocery store. When I got there, I followed after Hailey who seemed to know exactly where she was going. I had never bought a pregnancy test before, and I felt like everyone was looking at me with disgusted eyes. She pulled one off the shelf and showed it to me, stepping closer to talk.
“This is digital,” she whispered. “It will give you a pregnant or a not pregnant. That way you don’t have to worry about interpreting the little lines.”
“What little lines?”
“Never mind,” she said, hiding her smirk. “Why don’t we get you some nausea medicine and some ginger ale while we’re here, too?”
I nodded and followed her around the store, hoping that I could get this over quickly and find out that it was all in my head. I could feel the bubbles in my stomach again, and I couldn’t tell if it was the sickness or the fact that I was absolutely terrified. We went through the aisles picking out some mild snacks and something for my stomach before jumping back in the car and heading home. As she drove along, I watched the snowflakes falling outside the window, wishing that Cameron was there to go through this with me. I had fallen for a man that I knew from the beginning I had no future with, just to find out a month later that part of him could very well be the most important part of my future.
I had wanted children for a long time, but I wanted them with a partner, not as a single mother. I wasn’t worried about money or work. I was just worried about having a child on my own, raising a child without a father, and my life completely flipping upside down. When we got home, I followed Hailey into the house, and she handed me the pregnancy test.
“Just take off the end, and hold it under your stream of pee for at least fifteen seconds,” she said. “Then replace the cap, and set it on the counter. Here is your phone. Set the timer for three minutes, and when it goes off, the test will tell you if you are pregnant or not.”
I shook my head, unable to let words actually escape my mouth. I walked into the bathroom and followed her instructions exactly. I set the test down on the counter and pressed the button on my phone to start the countdown. I pulled myself up onto the sink and sat there, grasping my hands together tightly. Three minutes had never taken so long in my life. I thought about everything in my life during those three minutes. If I could think like that on a normal basis, within ten minutes I’d have an answer to world peace.
The sound of my phone beeping loudly brought me back to the cold bathroom counter. I sat there for a moment, my heart beating out of my chest. I stood up and walked over to the test, staring down at it. Slowly, I picked it up and turned it over, holding it up to my face. On the screen, it said pregnant with a little smiley face. I closed my eyes and pulled the test to my chest, not knowing how to even move. There was a child growing inside of me, and it had Cameron’s genes. I needed to figure out how to get in touch with him. This wasn’t something I wanted to keep from him. He had a right to know that he was going to be a father.
I wasn’t exactly sure I knew how he would react, but I knew that no matter what the outcome, I had a responsibility to tell him. I knew several people growing up who never knew their fathers, and I knew that if he decided not to be part of our lives, it wouldn’t matter to our child whether he was absent by choice or by ignorance. Still, I needed to make sure that he knew about this baby. I had thought not getting his number was a good idea, keeping us from carrying on with something that would never work anyway, but it seemed that I was definitely wrong. Having a way to get ahold of Cameron at that point would have been more than helpful.
I took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom, my eyes glazed over. Hailey stood there looking at me, and I handed over the test as I walked out of the bedroom and to the windows in my living room. I stared out into the distance, little white flakes showing themselves as the orange street lights shined down in the daylight. I could hear Hailey’s careful footsteps approaching, and I turned around, my arms wrapped around my waist.
“I have to find him,” I said.
Chapter 21
Cameron
My time in New York was thankfully cut short, the slopes being less packed than they had in previous years. The snow wasn’t anywhere conducive to a good ski, and the warming temperatures in the area left icy patches straight down the middle of the slope. I had the unlucky gift of discovering the ice, taking a pretty good spill and spraining my wrist. The resort owner felt terrible, but knowing that a resort in Utah was begging for us to come, I told him to just let us out of our contract, and everything would be fine. He was more than happy to oblige since he was barely making enough to keep us in business anyway. In our contract, there was a clause that said if we didn’t reach a minimum number of clients, the resort would pay us a flat rate. I knew he did not want to pay that flat rate.
So, we got on a plane after seeing to my wrist and headed to Utah, somewhere not that much better than New York, but at least not as packed with dirty streets and angry clients. I still couldn’t get Bea off my mind, though. I thought about her every night and every morning. I hadn’t hit on a girl at all since I left Aspen, and I had turned down several others along the way. Glen could see that there was something heavy weighing on my shoulders, but still, he kept his distance and didn’t ask too many questions. He knew that when I was ready to talk, I would talk.
Even in my dreams, Bea was on my mind, floating through the snow like an angel. The night before, I had woken up in a sweat after watching her walking away from me. She stopped and turned toward me, her belly large with a baby inside. It was the strangest thing to dream, and I could only assume it was because I had actually entertained the idea of having her in my life for a long period of time.