Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

“Keegan this is complicated.”

“Oh Mom, for Christ’s sake. I’m no fool. I see how James is treating you. He’s the smooth talker that he was before he married you. He’s even treating me better. James is afraid so he’ll treat you well until he has you once again locked tight in his trap. Then, he’ll revert back to the old James…the one with no personality and all sarcasm and bitchiness. The one that I hate,” she added.

“Do you want to live with Kerry?” I asked her.

She met my gaze in the mirror. We were equal in height. We both had dark hair except that hers was a shade lighter than my own. Her eyes were definitely Kerry’s eyes, almond-shaped, the warm brown eyes a shade lighter than mine that had intrigued me when I had dated him. Water dripped down her face and onto her sweatshirt.

“I don’t want to leave you. I want you

to leave James,” she said softly. Fear evident in the depths of her eyes. “I’m afraid for you.”

She shocked me with her statement about being afraid for me. “Why?”

“He’s freaky Mom. He’s like two people the one he wants everyone to see and the one only you and I see. I’m afraid he’ll hurt you someday like Byron hurts Aunt Micki.”

“I won’t let that happen Keegan.”

“You might not be able to stop it,” she declared angrily.

“Keegan, it won’t come to that. After the holidays I’ll sit down with James and tell him the truth.”

“That you had sex with my dad?” She asked sarcastically.

“Keegan…I will tell James that our marriage was a mistake.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it.”

I left my daughter with a hug and a kiss that was cool and somewhat distant on her part. I had a made a mess of this too. What else could I say to her? There was no reason to defend James. I doubted that he would ever hurt me physically although the pain of his emotional abuse was just as difficult to bear at times. Alone in my room, I cried while James slept by my side.

#

James was not happy on Saturday afternoon when Kerry picked up Kat at our home. He was most unhappy at finding out that he had been to her performance at school on Wednesday night.

“James did you enjoy Kat’s performance?” Kerry asked trying to make small talk.

After an uncomfortable introduction, with the two men sizing each other competitively, Kerry left with Kat who had taken her time getting downstairs to greet her father. They were going shopping and to dinner.

James was in my face, harsh and hard. Asking as soon as I had shut the door, “Did you know he was there?”

Unable to lie to his face I replied that I had seen him as we were leaving Kat’s play.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” He roared. Standing toe to toe with me.

I flinched but didn’t back down. The old James had returned with a vengeance. His eyes were flashing with anger that bordered on hatred. They looked wild and out of control and nearly colorless with crazy. Fear filled my belly. I felt sick to my stomach. Then, without speaking a word, I stepped around him and walked up the stairs to our bedroom as if he did not exist. In the bathroom I vomited into the toilet until my stomach was empty. Then I wiped my face with a wet washcloth and took a deep breath to calm my nervous insides.

The evening was silent after that. James thought he was torturing me with his silent treatment but I didn’t care any longer. My thoughts were on Kerry. He was cool to me tonight and indifferent. That had bothered me. I had been a coward when I returned home unable to tell James that I had wanted out of our marriage and now I was paying the price. I could lose Kerry for good and I didn’t know what to do. More importantly I could lose my daughter.

Kerry had offered her an out anytime she wanted it. He had told me so himself. She could decide to live with him. The thought that she could leave me was daunting. She was my life. Finally James went to bed. Deciding to wait for Keegan, I snuggled in the corner of the couch with my arm resting on some pillows sleeping peacefully for the first night in a long while. My mind was firm with my decision. I was ending my marriage tomorrow morning.

When Kat touched my shoulder I jumped startled out of sleep. A chenille throw was draped across my legs, which slipped to the floor when I sat up.

“Mom, we’re back. Dad wants to talk with you.”

Sleepily I rose from the couch taking the blanket that had been covering me. I walked out onto the porch in my sock covered feet and blue silk pajamas. In the darkness I could see his handsome face. He looked tired.

“Hi,” I said unsure of what else to say to him.

He shook his head in disgust. “God, I want to be mad at you but I can’t find it in me. You look so fucking vulnerable. Sweet. And vulnerable,” he repeated. He shook his head again.