Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did hate me.”

“Why? Can you tell me that much? Keegan said he’s been different since you got home but she thought that wouldn’t make a difference.”

“It doesn’t. I haven’t changed my mind. I’ve tried to tell him. I’m just horrible at confrontation. You know me.”

“Yeah I know you. You procrastinated at telling me that you were pregnant. Then, you didn’t want to tell Jack and Yancy you were pregnant. You were nearly six months pregnant before we finally told our parents. Now, you don’t want to tell him that you want a divorce. Definitely, your worst fault.”

“Thank you,” I snapped at him. The cool winter breeze lifted my hair about my face. Kerry brushed it back, his hand softly touching my cheek as he did so. I’m afraid, I wanted to tell him so badly. He scares me but I remained silent.

“I want to be with Kat for Christmas Eve. She tells me that his mother is arriving tomorrow and she doesn’t want to leave you alone with them.”

“Where would you take her?”

“To dinner someplace in town,” he answered.

“I’ll straighten her out. She’ll go with you.”

“I don’t want you to straighten her out.” His hands pulled me to me. His gaze locked on mine. “I want her to be secure that you will be all right if she leaves you alone with him and his mother.”

I sighed tiredly. He was close. His breath warm against my face smelled of mint. I rubbed my nose against his. “I’ll be fine.”

“You have no intention of leaving him do you?” Kerry asked angrily. “Don’t answer that. He’s your husband. I have no right to question you.” He pushed me gently away.

I reached out in the darkness and touched Kerry’s face. His skin was cold against my warm fingers. He gasped at my touch. My finger traced the line of his jaw and he captured my hand in his releasing my arms.

“Don’t,” he whispered huskily.

“Why?”

“Because it makes me want to grab you and Kat and run away with you,” he explained in a tormented voice.

“Oh,” I replied wishing with all my heart that I could run away with him. “I just need some more time,” I told him. “It won’t be much longer.” I couldn’t run away from this mess and that was something I couldn’t explain to Kerry.

“That’s all I have…for now,” he declared.

His lips descended on mine in a punishing blow to my lips. It wasn’t a friendly kiss full of promise and love. It was meant to convey the fury and fire in him. I responded. My breath heavy. My arms wrapped around his neck hugging him to me. His arms full of strength and power pulled me against his body showing me what exactly I was doing to him before he jerked back and released me with such force that I would have toppled over had he not grasped my arms to steady me.

He dropped my arms and turned angrily on his heel and headed towards his car.

“Kerry,” I called out his name.

He stopped midway between his car and the porch. “What?” His deep voice, his words sounded harsh and tortured. He did not turn around to face me. His body was taut with tension. His head was down, his eyes towards the ground.

“Sleep tight,” I said unsure of what I had really wanted to say to him but knowing that I just didn’t want him to leave and somehow had to stop him.

“You too,” he answered. “Do you sleep with him?” He asked finally turning to face me.

“I sleep in the same bed as him but I haven’t made love to him in over a year” I explained. “I can’t. I can only think of you.”

Without commenting Kerry climbed inside and drove away. I went to the porch swing and sat down wrapped inside the warm blanket. I rocked back and forth until I couldn’t keep my eyes open and then I went inside and laid on the sofa. I couldn’t imagine myself crawling between the sheets next to James. That bed felt cold, colder than the winter air outside. I should have been in bed with Kerry where I wanted to be where I would be warm and loved.

#

As planned Belle showed up on Christmas Eve to bring good cheer and Ho! Ho! Ho! Kerry arrived to pick up Keegan and the second time the two men were in the same room together was more intense than the first. Kerry was polite but cold to both James, his mother and me and that hurt to the core but what could I expect? His lips had been meant to punish me not remind me of what we could have together. When they were gone to dinner Belle fussed about Kerry being a part of Keegan’s life until I snapped.

“It isn’t your concern,” I shouted shocking myself at my outburst.

Then, I went to my room and cried. I had felt more emotional since coming home which I had chalked up to being with James and not telling him that I no longer wanted to be with him. My intention of telling James this morning that I wanted a divorce was again delayed by him needing to attend to some business details that could not be interrupted by me. Frustration. Tension. The tension in me was mounting until I was sure that one day soon I would blow. When James came upstairs to find me he was fuming. He grabbed my arms lifting me off the bed he shook me fiercely. He was insensitive to my tears.