Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

“Don’t ever fucking shout at my mother.”

Glaring at him through bleary eyes I shouted right back at him, “Tell her to mind her own damned business.” I tried to pull my arms out of his hands but his grip was too strong.

“Who the hell do you think that you are?”

“Your wife.”

“I give you everything you little bitch. What more could you want?”

His harsh words stung but it renewed my resolve to leave him. “You give me monetary things James. I need love.”

“You reject my love,” he spat in my face.

“I reject your love making because there is no love to go along with it,” I declared. “I can’t fucking stand you.” The words rushed out of my mouth before I could stop them. Harsh and cruel. “I hate it when you talk to Keegan or me because what comes out of your mouth is hatred. I hate it when you fucking touch me. Your touch makes my skin crawl. You’re nasty and rude to both of us. Don’t you see it?” I asked. “I don’t want to be married to you. I want a divorce. If you won’t give me one I will leave. Keegan and I will just leave. I hope we can be reasonable this but after the holidays we are done.” His grip was getting tighter on my arms. It was painful. “We made a mistake.” I couldn’t seem to stop the flow of words running from my mouth. “You don’t love me anymore than I love you.”

He looked at me as if I had slapped

him. “You never stopped loving McCoy did you?” He asked fiercely frightening me with his intensity. The crazy back in his colorless eyes now wild with hatred and anger. His hands were continuing to hurt my arms in the death grip he had on them. The look in his eyes though frightened me. Our breathing was heavy. Mine was caused by fear and his was caused by adrenaline and anger.

“He has nothing to do with me feeling the way that I do. I felt miserable with you before I saw Kerry again.” I lied through my teeth. “You exhaust me and have since our marriage began. You aren’t who you pretended to be. I caught a glimpse of the man that I thought you were when I returned from Hell this last trip and I felt guilty for not wanting to be with you anymore. Otherwise I would have told you the minute I returned home that I no longer want to be married to you. I want a divorce.” I searched his face to see if he was hearing me. “I’m going home to Hell with or without a divorce. Do you understand me?”

The truth was out. I had told him what had been on my mind for years. As if I hadn’t said anything he released my arms. He continued to glare at me. He turned as if he would leave the bedroom then without warning he struck me hard against my cheek with his open hand. I had not seen it coming. I had no time to protect myself. I lost my balance and fell backwards onto the softness of our bed. My hand flew to the burning spot on my face. James walked to our bedroom door where he hesitated.

With his hand poised to open the door he replied, “You married me for better or worse. This is the worse part Gabrielle. I’ll be damned if I’ll let Kerry McCoy have you that easily. I’ll be downstairs. When you’re ready come down we’ll have dinner.”

My body trembled. My heart was slamming hard against my chest. I lay back against the cotton comforter full and soft and tried to catch my breath. Then, I realized that James had not heard one word that I had said. He would not release me from this marriage without a fight. Desperation was making it hard for me to breath. Somehow I had to get away from him.

Sitting up I pulled up my sleeves and looked at my upper arms that were burning red from where he had grabbed me and held onto me. My arms were sore. God, help me get out of this mess. Rising from the bed I stood in front of a full length mirror, my cheek was still red and slightly swollen.

He would not hit me again!

Chapter Fourteen

On Christmas morning to add to my tired, weighted feeling that I had been experiencing the past week I woke feeling nauseated. Keegan told me I looked green as soon as I entered the kitchen. Thank you. Kerry was there saying goodbye to her. Hadn’t expected to see him. He had an emergency meeting at the office tomorrow morning in Chicago so he was returning there today, Christmas Day.

After he left she was going to open her gifts from me while we had alone time. James was still upstairs getting dressed and Belle was sleeping. Belle never rose before noon. James had refused my discussion to end our marriage last evening when he had joined me in our bed. Grabbing my chin rough in his hand he had made it clear that divorce was not an option.

Just as surprised to see me Kerry’s discomfort was evident on his face.

“Are you all right?” He asked me with obvious concern.

Did I look that bad?

“I haven’t felt quite right for the last week,” I told him. “I’m sure that it’s nothing.”

Kerry leaving left me feeling worse than the nausea I was feeling. An emptiness engulfed me even though he had been cooler towards me in the last couple of days. It was like my last hope was leaving. Keegan left the room with Kerry’s gifts to place them under the tree to open later with mine. We were alone. We stared awkwardly at each other. Then, Kerry reached out and took my arms in his hands to pull me to him. I flinched unable to stop the reaction because my arms were badly bruised and sore where James had griped me roughly last night in anger shaking my body like a rag doll.

Kerry scrutinized my face suspiciously then he released my arms. The place on my face where James had struck me was slightly swollen but not bruised. He hadn’t noticed that thank god. The swelling I was sure Kerry thought was from me crying because my eyes were puffy. He picked up my hand and slid the sleeve of my shirt up until he could see the bruises that James had left on my arms. The imprint of James’ fingers on both of my upper arms was clearly evident in shades of deep purple and blue. I couldn’t meet Kerry’s gaze. I was ashamed. Kerry’s chest rose and fell with deep breaths as he tried to control his anger.

“When did he do this?”

“Last night. I told him…”

Kerry placed a finger against my lips when I tried to explain what had happened between James and me.

“There’s nothing to explain,” he said. “Whatever happens between you and him is between you and him but if he ever hurts Keegan I will kill him. Do you understand me?” His voice was deadly calm.

“Yes,” I replied my lip trembling.