Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

“You really look good Mom,” my daughter agreed attempting to smooth over the fact that she had known for months. “But Mom it is pretty obvious that you are getting a belly on you.”

“Does your dad know?” I asked.

Keegan looked uncomfortable. “No, I haven’t told him although I’ve wanted to tell him. I really wanted to tell him in Chicago especially when you were so upset but I thought it should come from you not me.”

I gazed into her eyes and thought how innocent she looked without make-up, her hair freshly washed, still dark brown and wearing SpongeBob pajamas. She seemed more fourteen than eighteen in appearance. Her maturity level was at times higher than mine.

“I’m sorry Kat.”

“For what?” She asked resting her head against my shoulder tucked beneath my chin.

I squeezed her tightly. “For screwing up so much.”

“Mom,” she said honestly, “I’ve loved every minute of you being my parent.” She hugged me a little tighter around the stomach.

“Thanks Kitty Kat,” I replied using the name I had used when she was just a toddler. “Kat, how could I have been so wrong about him?” Meaning

James but she knew who was I speaking of.

“Mom, he fooled you.”

“Kat, that’s no excuse.” Glancing at my daughter the love she felt for me and me for her seemed all that mattered.

“Why were you so upset?” She asked confused by the tears that I had shed for him.

“Pregnancy does strange things to your emotions. I had been under a great deal of stress with the court appearance, feeling like I’d lost your dad. I guess it was a culmination of those things. The pain I had put you through. Seeing him brought it all back. It was a tough day. James left because he found out about the baby. Final blow to his ego.”

“When will you tell Dad about the baby?” She asked changing the subject.

“I kept trying to tell you I needed to talk to him. I want to tell him but he won’t talk to me, “I explained. “I tried calling him several times immediately after I found out but he was in meetings or never home.”

We had avoided talking about James for over a month now. He invoked painful memories that we both wanted to forget but Kerry was another painful subject for me. I assumed that I had blown any chance with him.

“Now as soon as I get my nerve,” I replied sighing heavily.

“You haven’t learned your lesson,” she accused me. “Nope, not at all.”

She was right but it didn’t feel good to have my own daughter admonishing me pointing out my failures. My mistakes.

Her arm draped casually across my stomach was kicked by her sibling inside.

“Wow, I felt that!”

“This one is an active little bugger,” I agreed. I loved feeling Kerry’s child move inside me. Kick. Kick. Kick. Tiny little thumps inside my tummy that let me know my child was well and growing inside me.

“Can we go to bed now?” I asked feigning a yawn.

“Yep, let’s go.”

We walked arm in arm to the door the blanket dragging behind us across the smooth wooden floorboards. I reached for the door handle and said to Keegan, “I’m proud of you. You are a great kid.”

“Thanks Mom,” she replied hugging me tight in her slender arms. “You need to tell dad about the baby.”

“All right all ready.”

No matter what I still had Keegan until fall when she would attend NYU. Then, I would have the baby to raise. Another child, another eighteen years of responsibility hit me like a cold shower. Maybe, I thought I would do better this time. Maybe this time I would raise this child with Kerry? Inside, I glanced at Keegan. Maybe, I hadn’t done so badly with her by myself.

Chapter Sixteen