Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

My mother called June first. Sitting in the kitchen I stood and walked to the phone feeling better than I had in weeks and was surprised by how good she sounded.

“Yancy, how are you today?”

“Have you told Kerry yet?” She asked without responding to my question.

“No,” I replied sheepishly.

“Is he coming to Keegan’s graduation?” She asked.

“I think so.”

“Gabrielle, don’t let that man walk into graduation and find you nearly six months pregnant with his child. That isn’t fair to him or your daughter,” she admonished.

“Maybe he won’t notice.” My voice sounded hopeful but my words were foolish even to my own ears.

“Jack,” she called to my dad. Who knew where Pop was in the house. Then, I heard him respond to her. “God help us.” Pop was confused. Not that I blamed him. Yancy had us all confused most of the time. “Our children are idiots. Gabrielle, it is time for a come to Jesus meeting. You are not acting like a responsible adult,” she declared taking the conversation back to me. “He isn’t an idiot and he would have to be blind not to know that you are pregnant. You have to be showing.”

“I know,” I replied defensively.

“Then for God’s sake tell him.”

#

June seventh arrived and I had not told Kerry about our impending trip to parenthood for the second time and Kat had invited him to graduation. My daughter had earned the valedictorian title of her class and the entire family was coming except Byron and Jack. They were too busy at the supermarket to come to Eden for something as trivial as Kat’s graduation. My sisters were arriving tomorrow morning with my mother.

I was anxious to see Yancy and afraid at the same time. This was the first time that I had seen her since she had begun chemotherapy. The news of my pregnancy a surprise to share with my sisters as well as Kerry. This family reunion promised to be an exciting one because procrastination had become my middle name followed by dumbass.

Every time that Kerry called the words “I’m pregnant” were on the verge of bursting out of my mouth. I could feel the syllables tickling my tongue until he would ask to speak with Keegan. The tension was so thick between us you could cut it with a machete as a knife just wouldn’t do. The conversations that had taken place between us since James had left have been cordial but even briefer.

After handing the phone to my daughter with a roll of my eyes and a similar roll of hers followed by heavy sighs I would berate myself for not telling him. When Keegan would hang up the telephone after talking to her dad she would give me a look. That look said, “You need to just fucking tell him.” Sometimes, she actually said those exact words. I couldn’t argue with her.

Kerry was coming to graduation. Why hadn’t I told him I was pregnant? Staring off into space I was thinking about Kerry then Keegan’s graduation. Then, I was thinking about why I hadn’t told him? There would be consequences. Why hadn’t I thought of that? I could be ruining Keegan’s graduation from high school one of the most special times in a girl’s life because I had not told her father that we were expecting another child. I had screwed up again.

My plan was to get him alone before graduation and explain so he had time to cool off so Keegan’s actual graduation day and party wasn’t ruined which meant I had to do the deed today before family arrived. I was as bat shit crazy as my mother. I was certifiable. No way was this going to go as planned.

“Uh Mom,” Keegan said startling me from my thoughts. She stuck her head inside the kitchen door. “I told Dad he could stay here. He’s arriving in two hours. It will be a perfect opportunity to tell him about the baby before anyone else gets here.”

I had two hours. As I jumped to my feet I knocked the stool over that I had been sitting on.

“I couldn’t tell him that he couldn’t stay here. He forgot to get a hotel room and the only hotel in town is booked. He just called to ask.” Keegan kept rambling afraid of my reaction.

“Oh Jesus,” I prayed staring up at the ceiling of my kitchen. “Help me. I had planned to tell him today anyway. Before family got here so the timing is perfect. Only two hours though.” Nervous didn’t describe how I felt. “Keegan, don’t you think he’ll notice my belly before I can tell him anything.”

“I’m sorry Mom,” my daughter said her lip trembling as if she might cry. She wanted her graduation to be a happy time. “You knew he was coming to graduation. You should have told him,” she accused me.

“Don’t cry Keegan.” I sat down heavily with a sigh of exasperation. “Do you have his cell phone number? Maybe, I could tell him over the phone. Then he will have time to cool down before he gets here.”

“Mother,” Keegan said sharply. “You should have just told him. Don’t tell him on the phone especially while he’s driving. I would like for him to make it here alive.”

She was right. Not a good thing to do to him while driving. What could I say? I was afraid. Nothing I could have said would have made sense to Keegan so I didn’t answer.

“Mom,” Keegan began, “you need to stop running away from Dad if you really do love him.”

Glancing sharply at my daughter all I saw was her back retreating from the kitchen while the kitchen door swung back and forth in her wake. She was smarter than Kerry or I had been at her age and smarter than I was now.

#

Kerry McCoy pulled into my driveway two hours later…on time. Dammit. I held my breath while Keegan met him outside. She flew into his arms I saw through the kitchen window. Not long ago I had watched him leave through this same kitchen window. With hopelessness, I searched for a place to hide. Desperately, I opened the refrigerator door so that the door concealed me when Kerry walked in. I couldn’t stand inside the refrigerator until I got the words out. Dumbass. I slammed the door shut. Out loud, I told Kerry that I was pregnant except that he wasn’t in the house yet. Practicing the words didn’t make it easier.