Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

I moved behind the counter but realized it wasn’t really high enough to hide my protruding belly. They were taking a very long time coming inside. How long did it take to retrieve some luggage and a present or two I thought nervously? God, what do I do? The adrenaline was pumping heavily through me. When the screen door opened I was looking around for another place to hide myself unable to face Kerry unable to tell him the secret I had been keeping from him.

Then, I heard the familiar creek of the hinges. The door slammed shut behind them. They were inside the house. Their footsteps echoed on the hardwood floors leading to the kitchen. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster in my chest. Adrenaline pumping heavier through my veins making it difficult to breath.

When I saw him outside the house I could only think that I wanted to hug him as Keegan had. Hell I wanted to climb up his body like the hormonal, sex starved woman that loved him. Who was I kidding? When he stepped into the kitchen with his arms wrapped around Keegan they were laughing and talking. I was holding my breath and biting my lower lip nervously. He looked just as handsome as the last time I had said goodbye to him on Christmas Day.

An eternity seemed to pass by since I had seen him even though he looked exactly the same. I however was now sporting a lovely basketball shaped belly below my shirt where our child was growing. Thump. Thump. Junior decided to let me know he or she was in there. I grabbed my belly acknowledging child’s presence. Whopper of a kick and I gasped.

I barely saw Kerry’s expression before my head began to swim. God, don’t pass out! Black spots swam before my eyes. Please don’t pass out. I tried grasping

the counter top to keep from falling. Grey. Fading to black. Then there was nothing.

“She hasn’t done that in a while,” I heard my daughter say through a fog.

I was lying on the sofa in the family room. Kerry’s smile had faltered when he saw me grasp my belly I remembered just before I hit the kitchen floor. Oh he had seen the belly all right. “Keegan,” he now said huskily, “Can I talk to your mother alone for a minute?” Where had I heard that before?

Keegan looked uncomfortably from me to Kerry. She was reluctant to leave me alone with him to face whatever was to come. That was Keegan. She wanted to protect her idiotic mother always. I nodded reassuringly at my daughter appreciative of her support but certain that I needed to finish this on my own. Her mommy was a big girl and needed to act like one even if maturity hadn’t been my strength these last several months.

“I’ll be upstairs,” she said quietly and left the room.

“You should have told me,” he said when Keegan was definitely out of earshot. He was sitting on my coffee table staring at me but not touching me. His elbows rested on his powerful thighs. Reach out and touch him stupid.

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“How could James divorce you when you were pregnant with his child? Because of our affair?” Kerry asked seriously.

My head snapped back against the sofa’s arm. Then, I laughed out loud. I realized…only he would assume that the child belonged to James. Stupid jackass. Stupid man! This is why he had distanced himself from me. He really thought I didn’t love him. He didn’t realize that I no longer loved James and that only my love for him had gotten me through the long months since we had parted. It had sickened me to think I might have thrown away the only love that mattered…his love because I had dawdled at telling James that I wanted out of the farce of our marriage. Men are idiots. Thick headed, no bull headed idiots and I’m an even bigger one.

“Kerry, I think this is the harder than the first time…” I began.

He looked puzzled. I took a big breath and allowed it to expel slowly which I had hoped would calm my nerves but didn’t. He looked at me with a befuddled expression on his face. Hell no wonder he was befuddled. Life with me was enough to befuddle anyone.

“The baby isn’t James’s baby. James and I had not made love for several months before I made love with you. Many, many months to be exact. Remember? I told you that.”

I waited for the explanation to register on his face. The dawning realization didn’t come. Oh for God’s sake.

“Kerry, the baby is yours.” Stupid, stupid man!

“What?” He gasped. Dawning realization. Confusion turned to downright pissed off fury. “Then why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know. I tried in the beginning. I called your office. You were in meetings. I called your home. You didn’t answer. Every time we talked on the telephone you were distant with me. The separation between us grew as time went on.” My voice grew thick with tears that I didn’t want to shed. I wasn’t sure that I could stop crying if I started.

“Keegan said you didn’t want to get tangled up in the divorce proceedings. I had to go to court all by myself with James and his attorney. He wasn’t happy that he didn’t get his way. He had hoped to use my pregnancy against me. I had humiliated and disgraced him. I was so humiliated.” I took a deep breath. “In court that day I got what was fair per the pre-nup.” I was a rambling fool now. “But…but I continued to feel guilty because I had hurt him or rather his ego. I feel nothing for him but shame. It shouldn’t have ended this way Kerry.”

“He has hurt more than your ego.” His irritation was growing. Eyes glowed hard with hurt that I had kept this from him. “It’s over with isn’t it?”

“Kerry, I haven’t loved him for a long time. Not sure I ever loved him. Otherwise I wouldn’t have made love to you.”

“And look where that got you,” he said softly. The anger dissipating. Shoulders relaxing. Not so tense but his hands were clasped firmly in front of him between his knees.

Still not touching me. He was still too far from me. What did that mean? Was he happy? Was he upset? Was he angry with me? Yes, he was definitely angry with me still but he was softening towards me. I could see it in his eyes. Damn what else was he feeling? His face still registered shock masking the other emotions that he might be feeling.

“How do you feel about this pregnancy?” I asked him pointedly unable to stop myself from asking the question.

“Gab, I’ve only known for fifteen minutes,” he said checking his watch. “Maybe a better question is how do you feel about it?”

“In awe,” I replied touching my stomach and tearing my eyes away from his face to gaze lovingly down at my stomach to where our child grew inside me. Thump, thump. I smiled. Yes, I know you are in there little one.

Once the shock wore off I was excited about the baby growing inside me, more than excited because the child had been created out of my love for Kerry, a love that had never gone away even when he had.