Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

Brad and Kerry were making their introductions when Keegan came outside to join us. I released Adin so she could greet her niece. Kerry smiled reassuringly at me. A smile that always melted my insides. Then, I wiped away the tears and shook Brad’s hand. He was tall and muscular. Athletic. Gym teacher remember? He was very handsome in a rugged sort of way. Neat beard that I had seen through the window but most of all he smiled at my sister as if the sun set on her. Their wedding was the middle of August and I knew in my gut that Adin would be happy with him.

“Do you still want me to be your maid of honor?” I asked her my hands spread across my belly.

“I’m sure we can find a maternity dress for you. There’s no one else that could fill that spot.”

“Thank you,” I replied lower lip trembling yet again.

“Don’t you cry,” she warned.

Gemma and Troy’s green Saturn turned into the driveway next.

“You think they could have ridden here with you,” I said glancing in the direction of the car shielding my eyes from the sun.

Adin rolled her eyes. “Gem was in a mood. I’m just as glad that they didn’t.”

Gemma was petulant when she got out of the car. She was riding shottie, as my daughter would say. Troy climbed out from behind the wheel and smiled at me. He too was tall and dark. He was tightly built but not muscular like Brad. I glanced at all three men, from one to the other. Slowly. Kerry, Brad and Troy.

Good God, we’ve all chosen men who remind us of Pop, subconsciously or not. They were all soft spoken like him as well as having similar features and coloring.

“You’re pregnant,” Gem said stopping in her tracks in front of their car. The look on her face was hilarious. Her eyes were wide with shock and her mouth was gaping open.

“Yes, Gem. Kerry and I are having a baby. Close your mouth before you swallow a bug.”

I was growing more uncomfortable with the group staring at me.

“God Gab. That’s a little tacky don’t you think. Once you can understand but getting pregnant twice without being married and with the same man no wonder James wanted a divorce…”

I couldn’t stop the gasp at my little sister’s harshness. Her words broke a little piece of my heart off. A sting that hurt. My hand pressed against my belly protectively. But that was Gemma. Speak first then apologize for putting your foot into your mouth. I wouldn’t apologize for this child. I already loved it. I was over the moon.

Troy, Adin, Kerry and Keegan all said together, “Gemma would you just shut up.”

“It’s okay,” I told them.

“Sorry,” Gem said sheepishly and then scowled at her husband as he shot her a disapproving look.

Adin was introducing Kerry to everyone he didn’t know when Micki pulled in the driveway.

God, this was harder than I thought.

Micki parked her SUV behind Gem’s Saturn filling my driveway. My mother was sitting in the back seat with Pop. Wynne was in the front with Micki. I couldn’t see her. Everyone was quiet. Too quiet, I thought to myself. I looked from sister to sister but said nothing. They all knew what to expect but Keegan and myself.

Thump. Thump. All right little one. I hear you. Do you hear my heart beating out of my chest? Do you wonder what is wrong with your mommy? I touched my stomach reassuringly.

Kat stepped closer to me, which drew my attention away from my mother’s exit from the car. I wrapped my arm around my daughter’s shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. The ensuing gasp that escaped her brought my eyes forward. My mother was slowly making her way around my sister’s SUV aided by my niece with Pop following close behind. My breath caught in my throat and a funny little noise escaped me. Keegan stepped away from me and walked to Yancy’s outstretched arms.

“I’m so proud of you,” I heard my mother’s familiar voice soft and weak not proud and strong as usual. Kat was gently holding her grandmother in the circle of her arms as if she would break. Then, together they walked closer to the house. Our eyes met but I couldn’t make my feet move.

Yancy looked thin except that her face was bloated. She looked frail. She was completely bald I could see beneath the hat that she wore. Gone was the beautiful red hair that I have loved my entire life. Her eyes seemed to be sunken in her bloated face. Her skin, which she had religiously cared for did not have the youthfulness that it once had. My mother looked older than her age. My knees trembled. I felt weak. My head was spinning. I would not pass out. Gently, Kerry squeezed my shoulder.

“Are you doing all right?” He asked tenderly. So tenderly. I loved him so much.

I nodded. He pushed me forward with a strong hand to the small of my back. The push was all I needed.

“You look radiant,” my mother told me when I reached her outstretched arms.

“I love you Mom,” I said the first words that came to mind.

Micki complained that she didn’t know that I was pregnant. I was quiet absorbing the condition of my mother that I now was forced to face. Then, Wynne was standing next to me waiting for me to acknowledge her.