Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

“I don’t know but it could be,” he answered meekly then he kissed my cheek. Lips so soft my anger melted just a little. I smiled at him with appreciation.

My daughter took a deep breath. Where was her speech? She didn’t have the note cards that she had painstakingly prepared.

“Oh shit,” I said rubbing my forehead feeling the start of a headache building around the area between my eyes and to the top of my head. God knew what would come from my rebel child’s mouth.

Kerry and Yancy both looked at me questioningly but Keegan began to speak so that I couldn’t explain what was coming next.

“Thank you Principal Morgan, fellow classmates, alumni, staff and honored guests. I had a speech prepared for today that I had hoped to make an inspiration to you all. When you left here today I wanted my speech to be talked about and remembered as the best in recent years and years to come. That was important to me, to give the best speech ever. Today something happened and when I arrived here I threw those words out in the trash.”

She smiled self-assured and confident she continued, “My gr

andmother arrived at my house. Her name is Yancy Dawson and she has been battling cancer for several months.” Keegan looked about the room talking with poise and confidence. Her head held high. “She has lost her hair and a lot of weight but she hasn’t lost her pride. She is here today for me even though she is very sick.

When Nana began losing her hair she insisted that she would never wear a wig but I saw a wig in a mall store that looked so much like my Nana’s hair that I found a way to buy it saving the lunch money that my mother gave me every day until I had enough. For today I wanted to pretend that my grandmother wasn’t ill. Nana understood this and not that her appearance meant anything to me. Appearance has never meant a lot to me but it has to my Nana. We’ve had our differences over appearance. Mine to be exact.”

Then Keegan got choked up. She took a deep breath and collected herself. I could see her looking up trying not to cry. “She told me that she’s been looking at a face in a mirror that she no longer recognizes.”

My mother had tears in her eyes I noticed when I glanced sharply at her, gauging her reaction. She hadn’t expected this anymore than she had the wig.

“She said that she knows people in Hell, Michigan where she lives,” Keegan explained, “feel pity for her. They judge her life by how she looks right now and not by the vibrant woman she once was. She told me that she is still very happy with the life that she has and if it is God’s will that she die from this disease then so be it but don’t be sad or pity her because her life has been complete and so full with my grandfather Jack and her four daughters. We are one crazy ass family I have to say.” Laughter filled the gymnasium. I cringed.

“Nana has judged me for the last four years of my life while I changed hair color like people change their underwear. Her words not mine. It really hasn’t been that many times. Nana tends to exaggerate.” A few chuckles could be heard through the audience again. “While she viewed my piercings as self-mutilation not the creative self-expression I thought they were. She didn’t see my need to be judged by what is inside and not outside.”

Yancy was openly crying now. I tried to comfort her but she was inconsolable.

“My hair has been brown my natural color since Christmas until today, Nana told me she wanted me to dye my hair whatever color I wanted. She brought several with her for me to choose from. She wanted to stand proudly next to me at my graduation with my piercings and blue hair because no one should judge another by how they look, what they wear or what color their hair is. No one should judge another by the color of their skin or their sexual preference. No one knows what another person’s story is by what they see on the outside.” Keegan paused.

“No one would ever guess me to be valedictorian of any class by how I have appeared over my high school career. So I did as my grandmother requested even though I am sure my mother is probably pretty pissed off right now.” A roar of laughter echoed in the crowded gymnasium once again. I sighed. My sisters looked down the row at me and I smiled at them. What else could I do?

Keegan nervously grasped the edges of the podium. I could see her through bleary eyes that were watering from unshed tears.

“To the point of this dissertation…what I learned from my grandmother today is what is really important in life and if you take anything from this speech today take this. It isn’t about being the best which is what my original speech was geared towards. It is about being true to yourself. It is about paying it forward with kindness and not judging or bullying.

When my mother and I would go to the store together people automatically assumed that I was trouble because of my outward appearance. At times I was followed by store personnel if I strayed from her because I looked like trouble. I caused her a great deal of internal stress even if she always supported me.” Kerry looked at me sharply. I smiled at him laying my head against his shoulder.

“You know how she is,” I declared.

He only nodded. His head bobbing against my hair.

“If you feel good about yourself then you are the best you can be, Nana told me. She also told me that it took her sixty years to learn this. She had gauged her success in life by how others perceived her and when she didn’t look so great their attitudes gave her a revelation that didn’t make her feel so good anymore.

She wanted me to know that I was all right and that anyone who looked at me differently was not. She told me that she was sorry that she had treated me differently because of the choices I had made.

She also wanted me to know that life is short. We need to take each day and live it as if it were possibly our last because it is a precious day. She told me if you wake up tomorrow give thanks and do the same thing again day after day. Live for the day. Live each day like there is no tomorrow.” Keegan paused.

She was looking around for her family. Our eyes locked on each other. I tried to smile through my tears. She understood. I understood. She knew Nana was dying too. My mother must have told her our secret.

“As we go forward today I think we should remember who we are and what we feel deep inside about ourselves is what will make us most successful and most happy. I wish each of my classmates the best life possible. Live your life the best, and live your life for yourself, as we take the next step into adulthood after graduation today be proud of your accomplishments and of yourselves. To hell with what anyone else might think of you. You know your truth. Live your truth. Thank you for giving me the privilege of standing here today to share with you what I have learned the hard way.”

Keegan stepped down from the podium. We thought she was going to her seat among the other graduates but deliberately she walked down the aisle while around her people applauded her, she seemed to not notice. She stopped where we were sitting. She reached for my mother’s hand. Yancy stood gingerly and wrapped her arms around her granddaughter and the applause grew louder. I saw Keegan’s mouth move in whispered words, “Thank you Nana for giving me today.”

“Get your ass back to your seat,” my mother snapped good-naturedly. “You’re disrupting the entire ceremony.”

Yancy sat down and I stared at Keegan unable to take my eyes from her. I thought I would burst with pride for her.

“I love you Mom and Dad,” she said touching our hands quickly before turning to walk to her seat.

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