Welcome to Hell: Rediscovering First Love

“What?” She asked shrugging her skinny-assed shoulders. She really didn’t know why I was so upset with her. Usually stupid comments came from Gemma.

“Someone my size,” I groused.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize pregnant women were so sensitive.”

“You sound like Gemma.” That got her! Point Gabby.

“God please don’t compare me to our little sister.”

Adin followed me to the corner where we turned right putting greater distance between myself and my parent’s home. My mind was focused on walking. Our footsteps echoed in the emptiness of the street. There were few streetlights here so the darkness was eerie making me jumpy as was my sister at every little noise.

“Do you know where you’re going or are you just fucking winging this? What if they wake up in the house and we aren’t there?”

Stopping again, with a glare at Adin, I replied, “Go back so they will know where I am or shut the fuck up and keep walking.”

Potty mouth remember? Pain making it worse.

Her hand was on my back. Comforting me? No, she had placed it there again to keep from crashing into me. “Why are you so crabby?” Adin asked with disgust.

“What the fuck Adin!” Fists clinched in frustration. Anger evident on my face. She had no clue what it felt like to be this big with a baby. Being so uncomfortable you can’t sleep. Indigestion. Heartburn. Needing to pee constantly. I just want to hold my baby. I felt myself tearing up. “Because I am enormous. This child doesn’t seem to want to come out. He kicks and I pee myself a little.” Gross, I know.

“I can’t sleep. I can’t get comfortable. He has his own Cirque De Soleil performance going on my belly and if there is anything I can do to help it along believe me I will be fucking helping it along.” The last few words were punctuated and forceful. “When you and Brad have a child you will understand.”

“I can’t wait.”

I glanced at her quickly. Adin wanted a child. Were they trying already? Her head bowed. She was watching the ground while we trudged along.

We walked to the next corner where we turned right again. My plan was to make a complete circle around the block, which was exactly two point three miles. That should take a good forty minutes I estimated. I had walked this block many times with either a sister or Issy.

Then I thought I would sit on the porch for a while to see how my labor progressed. I was restless. I wanted the baby to come and come quickly. I was tired of being exhausted. I was tired of being uncomfortable. Getting up two to three times a night to pee was testing my patience. I was out of fucking patience. I was emotional. I was a crazy woman ready for this to be over.

I was ready for the sleepless nights because my baby was waking me to eat or have its diaper changed not because I couldn’t breathe or couldn’t find a comfortable position.

“Gabrielle?”

“What?” I asked huffing at the exertion of carrying around extra weight that I wasn’t accustomed to, all of it in front of me no less. My steps were slowing down. The physical exertion was taking its toll. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Holy hell. I slowed so I could catch my breath. Adin appreciated it. I could tell from the expression on her face but I wouldn’t give Adin the satisfaction of letting her know I had slowed for myself

“Thank you,” she said in a voice that expressed her gratefulness.

I nodded. Let her think I slowed for her. Secretly I smiled to myself. At the next corner, so close I could see it. We were half way around the block.

“Are you afraid?” She asked. Her voice sounded small and uncertain.

“No. Just eager.”

I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, not watching where I was going. It was pretty dark. No moon. A little cloudy with just a few twinkling stars.

“Careful,” my sister told me grabbing my arm to steady me. “I wasn’t talking about giving birth. I was talking about Yancy dying.”

“Oh.” I really didn’t want to talk about our mother’s impending death. I looked intently at my sister’s face. Difficult to see in the darkness but I could see enough and I could hear plenty. She needed to talk. Sigh. Dammit.

“Well.”

“Yes, I’m scared. I can’t imagine…Oh” I stopped and grabbed my stomach cradling it in my hands. That contraction was intense, harder than any others that I had experienced so far. When it passed I started walking again then I replied, “I can’t imagine not being able to call her on the phone or walk into her bedroom…see her propped up in bed, smiling. She still smiles even when the pain is so excruciating, even so sick. I can’t believe her strength,” I marveled. My heart clenched at the thought of losing her.

Adin agreed.

We walked further. Further from our parent’s home. Just a few more feet, a few more steps and I had to stop again. Another contraction gripped my body forcing me to take deep breaths until it passed. What the hell? I kept my panic to myself not wanting to alarm my sister. The warm wetness of my water breaking with another very hard contraction startled the hell out of me.