I climbed out of bed. I heard her protest about the bottle. I had water sitting right there on the nightstand next to me. I had gotten it when I got up at three in the morning.
There was a fresh bottle too, but I was already heading towards the bathroom to get the hell out of the room and away from her. I needed to clear my head for a moment before I said something ridiculous like I love you, Disa. I never stopped as a matter of fact.
I shut the door behind me and went to the sink where I turned on the cold water and splashed myself in the face several times, but it didn’t do me any good.
I gazed at the man in the mirror and hardly recognized him. My hair was nothing like it usually was. I always had a tight haircut but right now it was an unruly mess.
My beard was always neat if I had one. I ran my hand over my face and watched a droplet of water run down my cheek and plop into the basin.
I couldn’t hide in here forever. I did my business washed my hands and looked in the mirror again. All I could see was me and how I thought I looked with Disa wrapped around me in my bed. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, inhaling a deep breath of air to clear my head as much as my lungs.
Then I opened the door and headed towards the kitchen but Disa stopped me. “I already fixed a bottle for Asia,” she called to me.
“Oh, okay,” I responded then headed back to my room where she was sitting in my bed fully clothed, holding my daughter. She was anything but a temptress, but she was tempting the shit out of me as if she were undressed and beckoning me. Disa’s eyes met mine over Asia. “I know you pretty well, Ben. What’s going on inside that head of yours?”
I slid back into bed beside her. “Nothing,” I replied. I gazed at Asia who was sucking down that bottle pretty, quickly. I ran my hand over her head watching the soft hair fall back into place. She had my hair, I think. Jasmine’s was curly, like Disa’s.
I glanced out of the corner of my eye at Disa. I touched a curl hanging near me and let the piece of hair slip through my fingertips. It was soft like I remembered. I had always played with her hair when we were together before.
She was that close to me sti
ll. I could breathe in her scent. I could turn my head and feel the softness of her shoulder with a tender kiss beneath my lips.
I leaned on my bent leg and watched Disa slip the bottle out of Asia’s mouth. I had to put these thoughts out of my head. She checked the number of ounces with care and put Asia over her shoulder to burp her. Then she patted her back. I turned my head away.
“Are you sure, you don’t want to talk about what is going on?” She asked.
“I’m fine,” I replied glancing at her then away once again. “I was going to take Asia to the park today if the weather holds out. Just to walk around and get some fresh air,” I explained.
She chuckled at me. “Are you inviting me along?”
“I am. I’m enjoying having company besides Seth. I haven’t gotten out much in the last week.”
“Wow could be any more enthusiastic, Benjamin?” I glanced at her.
I realized that I hadn’t really offended her, but my invitation wasn’t too inviting either. “I’ve missed this easiness, Disa. We always had it until we didn’t,” I explained. I didn’t want to bring up Jasmine’s name, so I left it alone with just that vague statement, but she knew. That’s when our relationship went to the dogs when I took her cousin out and slept with her. That’s when I hurt her once again.
“I know,” she replied lowering her eyes. “That was my fault for getting my nose out of joint when you made it clear that you didn’t want me, when you broke it off.” Her voice held no reproach only honesty.
I was thinking Jasmine. She was thinking six years ago. I frowned. Then, I turned my head towards Disa. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you Disa, because I did. Dad didn’t like me being interested in you. He was concerned for you. Afraid that I would hurt you.”
She stopped patting Asia’s back and stared at me. “You were a grown man, you could have made up your own mind,” she informed me. I could hear the hint of irritation in her tone.
I huffed at Disa. “And incur the wrath of Rachel. “I still lived at home then. Elijah and I moved out a year later which made our mother very happy,” I added.
She had to laugh at that. Disa knew my mother well. For the last six years, they attended the same church. Sometimes, they sat in the same bench together. Held hands during prayer. Sang the same songs. Listened to the gospels and readings. Disa was a good girl.
Then she resumed patting my daughter’s back. “So, I wasn’t wrong,” she sounded uncertain. I turned and looked at her. “You loved me too?” She sounded uncertain. I nodded.
I laughed at her this time. “I knew after I stopped seeing you that it was the biggest mistake of my life. I knew after I slept with Jasmine, that I could never have another chance with you Disa and it was all I wanted.” I hated admitting that I had made such a huge mistake by letting her go. It was hard to admit that I was an ass.
She laid Asia back in her arms and picked up the bottle. Disa was avoiding me and my admission. “Why did you sleep with Jasmine then?” She finally asked. “You don’t know how that hurt me.”
I glanced at her. It was a simple explanation. I was attracted to the same qualities that she had that reminded me of Disa. Her innocence. She wasn’t like the women that I slept with then left early in the morning, explaining that I had to work, sometimes it was the truth but most of the time, it was not.
Jasmine was kind and she made me laugh. She was more like Disa than I cared to admit now looking back at the reasons that I had gone out with her. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” I declared not willing or able to look at the woman sitting next to me. “I just wasn’t thinking. She was like a breath of fresh air compared to what I was doing in my life with woman after woman. I needed something different. What I wanted I couldn’t have.” A tiny sound escaped Disa, but I didn’t turn to look at her. I couldn’t. I couldn’t face what that declaration did to her. “Then she lied to me and I was devastated. I was beginning to think all women were alike.”
“I’m not,” Disa declared. “I’ve never lied to you or tried to trick you.”