“I can’t.” She raised her hands to my chest, and I wondered if she felt my heart breaking.
“You can’t sign those papers.” My jaw clenched and unclenched. “This is wrong. I know you feel it.”
Her fingers followed the leather straps that held my sheaths to my chest. “If I don’t sign those papers, the aristocrats will divide and our people will go to war over Alek’s throne. A war where innocents will die, and the assassins will go into battles against their own people. They’ll be in danger. You’ll be in danger if I don’t sign those papers.”
“I am more than capable of protecting myself, Avianna. Don’t you dare throw yourself on this pyre because you think you’re protecting me.” My thumb ghosted over her lower lip.
“I could never live with myself if something happened to you because I was too afraid to sign that contract. I’m doing what I was born and bred to do, Hawke. I’m securing peace and a needed alliance.” Her smile was watery. “Who knows. Maybe Samuel will rejoin the assassins and I’ll see you from time to time in Edgemont.”
The order would never accept him back. Not after what he’d done to her.
“And what then, Avi? Will you wave at me? Walk by and pretend this was never here?” I gently tugged her glove free and let the satin fall to the floor, revealing my mating mark on the back of her hand.
“Don’t make this harder than it already is, Hawke. Not when it feels so fucking impossible.” A tear slid down her cheek.
“You won’t change your mind, will you?” I whispered.
She shook her head. “I can’t. Too many lives depend on me staying the course.” Her gaze fell away. “And we both know you never wanted this.” She flexed her fingers as if displaying the jet-black tattoo.
“What I wanted and what fate handed us were two different things. I wanted better for you than me. I wanted you to have a mate that would allow you to hold your head high among the aristocracy. I wanted you to be safe. I sure as fuck never wanted you to betroth yourself to that sadistic motherfucker, and don’t you dare say that he did it all for Saint. I owe Alek my loyalty and my life, but you can bet I’d never put you in harm's way, not for anyone else’s devotion.”
“You think I wouldn’t have been proud to be your mate?” Her voice broke. “That I wouldn't have worn your mark as a badge of honor?”
“Avi…” There was a fucking mountain in my throat. “You had years to reveal that mark and you hid it away. I’m not mad. I understand why.”
“Because I wanted you to want me first!” Her voice rose. “I didn’t want to trap you, and yet that’s exactly what happened. Look at us!”
I cupped her cheek and leaned into her space. “There has never been a day where I didn’t want you.”
“And now it’s too late,” she whispered. “I won’t condemn our entire species to war just because I—” She sucked in a sharp breath. “Just because I’m selfish.”
And that…was that.
She was never going to change her mind, and though there was a part of me that loathed her for it, for putting us through it, the bigger part of me loved her all the more for her honor, her bravery.
I nodded and stepped back, retrieving a box from her dresser. “I brought you a betrothal gift, too.”
She gently took the box from my hands, looking up at me in confusion. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Open it.”
She tugged open the lid and smiled, the first real genuine smile I’d seen from her lips tonight. “It’s a sheath.”
“It’s slim, but strong, and meant to be strapped to your thigh under your gown.” I’d had it custom made from crimson leather, and made sure it would be soft against her tender skin. “Think of it as my way of always being right where I love most.” I forced a smile.
She snorted. Actually snorted. “Thank you.”
“I can’t watch you go through with it,” I whispered. “I think watching you sign that document would break me.” It would eviscerate me.
“I know.” Her face crumpled.
Don’t do this. Don’t walk away.
Staying wasn’t a choice I could make. I’d be banned from the grounds immediately, anyway.
“Alek is waiting at the boundary, just past the wards.” I scoffed. “Though I’m still incredulous that Greenbriar warded a vampire house in vampire territory. Point is, you’ll only be alone for an hour or so. He’ll be allowed to visit as soon as you sign.” I searched for some magical ability to shut these fucking emotions off, but I felt every ounce of agony, every tear and rip that clawed at my soul.
“You have to reject me,” she whispered, clutching the sheath. “I don’t think I can do it.”