Say You Swear

See, I failed to realize that by loving him, by pouring every ounce of energy I had into our lives and his future, I didn’t leave room for more, something I didn’t realize until after I had my first stroke Noah’s senior year in high school.

From that day on, in the back of my mind has been fear.

Fear that something would happen to me and my son would be left all alone in this world.

And then I had my second stroke, the one that landed me here.

The fear became crippling, but I tried to hide it, and I held on with every bit of power I had left. Some days I could barely speak at all, because my body was trying to tell me it was time. That I needed to make peace and let go, but I couldn’t. Not yet. Not when in doing so, Noah would be left with nothing but heartache. I never felt like such a failure.

I was a woman who not so long ago was proud of the job she did raising such an amazing man on her own, and all of a sudden, I hated myself. I was drowning in helplessness I saw no way out of. I was going to wither away slowly before my son’s eyes, trying to hold on.

Defeat consumed me.

And then I met you.

* * *

Tears pool in my eyes as I grip the paper, pulling it closer.

* * *

I felt I knew you before I met you and I loved you the moment I did.

As I said to you the day you asked me to help you make my son a gift, you put life back into my boy. It had been so long since his eyes shined. Since his smile was real and not placed there for me to see. That’s not to say he wasn’t happy. He was. He did what he set out to do and earned his place at Avix U, something I know deep down he did for me. So yes, he was happy, but his happy came in moments that didn’t last past nightfall. My son walked with the weight of a man on his shoulders, and because of that weight, he closed himself off from the things a person needs to keep going.

Until you came along.

He fell in love with you, Arianna, maybe even the day he met you.

You were hurting and he yearned to be the reason you healed. And he was.

Sweet, Arianna, my Noah became your Noah, and honey, he was your everything, just as you are his.

You fell for him right back and you never got up.

* * *

Love, Lori, the mother forever in debt to the woman who loves her son.

* * *

Tears fall from my eyes as I read the last line, and then I move to the text beneath it, written in a different language.

Non temere la caduta, ma la vita che nasce dal non aver mai saltato affatto.

My fingers are drawn to the script, and I slowly glide the pads of my fingertips across it.

A flash flicks before my eyes, and I freeze.

Holding my breath, I do it again.

Another flash.

Again.

And then the page morphs.

Suddenly, my fingers aren’t tracing the words on college-ruled paper, but on a tan, smooth chest of a man. A man who lies in the center of my bed.

My hand tingles as his comes down to cover mine, and a shaky breath escapes as he glides my touch along the warmth of his body, and I follow the path to his lips.

He kisses my knuckles then, his body lifting off the pillows until his breath brushes along my skin. He leans in and my eyes close, a flash of blue revealing itself on the other side.

But not just any blue.

It’s deep and depthless.

Bold and brilliant, like the center of the ocean, or a mountain’s night sky.

They’re tender and limitless and locked on mine.

“Juliet…”

I gasp, choking on nothing. The paper falls from my hands, and I stumble from my bed, hitting and sliding down the wall.

I can’t see before me, but I see.

I see him.

I see the night of the bonfire, and the night at the club.

I see the morning coffee and the daytime cooking.

I see the bumper boats and his mouth an inch from mine.

I feel his hands on me as I sit on top of the kitchen counter and the heat of his eyes.

The warmth of his body.

The beat of his heart… pressed against mine.

I feel him. All over.

Everywhere.

A rush of yearning hits me, forcing the air from my lungs and my body racks with sobs. “Oh my god… Noah.”

Chapter 52

Arianna

* * *

If I could go back in time, I would do so many things differently.

It’s sad how it takes a solid blow to learn a hard lesson.

How loss shakes your core in a way love can’t.