Say You Swear

Love aches, but love is a blessing, something you’d be lucky to experience.

Loss hurts, but loss is necessary, something you have to experience.

Loss makes people realize what they want. It lights a fire on a blind path and guides you through the flame, burning the uncertainties standing in your way as you go. It drives you to discover what you want because life is short. Too short.

And unpredictable.

Loss forces you to recognize who you can’t live without, who you refuse to lose. Loss makes you reckless, because loss? It sets you free.

At least, this is what it’s done to me.

It’s strange how a person trapped in their own mind walks without fear.

Fear is the one thing I’m not sure I’ve felt this entire time.

I’ve been nervous and anxious and unsure, on edge, but never afraid.

But right now, I am.

I’m fucking terrified.

Because I’m about to break someone.

People say to love someone with all you are is the most selfless thing you can do, but I find the opposite to be true.

Love has made me selfish because I can’t live without the man my heart belongs to. The man it truly belongs to.

I did a lot of thinking during the night. Reflecting on the last four years of my life, and when I woke this morning, it’s as if my eyes were clear for the first time.

That means I have to break the heart of a man whose only fault is my need for someone else.

It’s going to be hard.

Maybe even devastating.

But as I said…

Love made me selfish.

Loss made me see.

And longing I can’t live with.

Which is why I’m already out the door.

It’s time he knows where he stands.

That this is real.

And we’re forever.

I take the steps two at a time, and as I reach the front door, the man I came to see appears.

His eyes find mine instantly, and a soft smile appears.

Mine follows.

“I called.”

“I know.”

Chase holds out his hand, and I take it.

Chapter 53

Arianna

* * *

Nothing forces a man to admit his feelings for a woman more than witnessing the interest of another man.

That’s what Noah said to me the day we met.

Chase was across the fire, watching with worry as a man I’d only met held my attention, and held it he did.

That was when ‘we’ began.

The massage in the living room.

The ice cream in the kitchen.

Our night on the beach.

Once we crossed that line, the one there’s said to be no going back from, back we went.

Chase made a choice, and while it hurt, I understood.

I respected his decision, and then I fell apart.

That’s when Noah came along.

Little by little, I was put back together. I fell in love, and then my world was turned upside down, and I realized, I was already in love. Before.

Long before.

Sitting here today, I see what I didn’t then. The beauty in the subtle touch, the longing in the stolen glance. Those things came back to me in wild waves, as did their timing.

After the note with Noah’s number on.

After the hoodie with his number.

After I took back what I’d given away and offered it to another.

And this time, the man I begged to accept it didn’t only love me back.

He loved me first.

Once Chase realized this, fear shook him, drew him out of the corner he placed himself into, but by then, it was too late.

I was already gone.

But when I think about our time, there’s no sadness anymore. I don’t feel shorted or cheated. I realize now that it had to happen as it did. Chase had to be the one or things would have ended a lot differently.

I think he knows it too, which is why his green eyes fall to his clasped hands when he asks, “So uh, if I would have never pushed you away? If I would have fought for you from the beginning?”

It takes him a moment, but he looks to me again.

“Then I would have been the one who hurt you.” My tone is gentle, but honest.

Chase nods. He knows what I’m saying. Quilt washes over him, and he sighs. “I’m really sorry, Ari. Truly. I wish like hell I didn’t hurt you and that things were different for us, but I understand. I’ve understood, to be honest. I could see the way you loved him, and when you suddenly didn’t remember him, I thought maybe that meant you were supposed to be mine all along. I shouldn’t have stepped in. I should have waited to see what you decided and been there for you when you needed me to be… if you needed me to be. I was afraid, and I have no other excuse, but I am ashamed, and I do care about you. I hope you know that.”

“I do.” I nod, and when I stand, he stands with me, pulling me in for a hug.